(Closed) SPINOFF – Are young brides really so frowned upon?

posted 7 years ago in 20 Something
  • poll: Are you in support of young marriages?

    Under no circumstances would I support a marriage of individuals under the age of 23

    Under special circumstances I would consider supporting the marriage of individuals under 23

    I do support young marriages, but believe the couple must be completely financially stable

    Financial stability, and experience living independently are the only prerequisites for marriage

    I support young marriages unconditionally

    Other (please explain)

  • Post # 62
    Member
    60 posts
    Worker bee

    I voted financial stability and independent living. I think it is important to be able to fully support yourself financially and emotionally before thinking about adding someone else to the equation. I have seen dependence chip away at younger and older relationships.

    Post # 63
    Member
    206 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: April 2014

    I voted other. Im a 22yo bride. Have been with my fiance 3 years, we have been living together 2.5 years. 

    I dont think all young people can be judged on just their age. Whether or not they are financially secure shouldnt matter either, Im sure theres a lot of older couples that marry with the same financial burdens etc.

    I think the only situation I would object against young marriage is if it was forced, it was done in spite or under any other situation where both people weren’t allowed their opinion/view(Does that make sense?)

    Post # 64
    Member
    576 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: June 2014

    I support young marriage as long as the relationship is stable and healthy, and the couple is able to financially support themselves. 

    My Fiance and I are both young, I’m 23 and Fiance is turning 24 in a few days. I’ve felt no judgment at all IRL. Perhaps because everyone sees that we have a strong and loving relationship and are very mature and independent people. We are also well off financially for our ages, because we started our careers young and worked hard. We don’t live together and won’t until we’re married and I haven’t felt any judgement about that either. People have been very positive, and proud of us.

    Post # 65
    Member
    40 posts
    Newbee
    • Wedding: September 2013

    I am 19 and my wedding is in march I don’t see a problem with age if you are mentally mature for it and know all the responsibility’s that come with it, because it is not a game it is real life it is more then just another relationship. I have lost friends because they do not understand and they just want to go out and party, yeah sure that’s cool and all but im past goin out to clubs and drinking. My fiancé and I have been together 4 years almost 5 and have been engaged for 2 years we have lived together a few weeks before we got engaged because we wanted to make sure everything would work out, both of are parents have agree with us the whole time and have approved. I think as long as you are mature enough then it is fine if you both are on the same leave it is fine I don’t think people should judge just based off a number. yes people that havnt been together long at a young age should not,I think you need to know the person in a relationship for at least 3 years because being friends and in a relationship are completely different.

    Post # 66
    Member
    453 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: August 2013

    I’m 23 and DH is 25. I didn’t hear any judgment except from random strangers (one person actually shouted, “OH SHIT, YOU’RE MARRIED??” for some reason– I still don’t know why) and some particularly judgmental family members whom I haven’t seen for years and years (so you can guess how much their opinion meant to me). Everyone who knows us personally was supportive, and we heard a lot of “it’s about time”– although I think we got married at the right time, since we are still fairly young.

    And that’s the thing: what’s right for one person isn’t right for everyone. It all depends upon the people involved and the relationship itself. Age is certainly a big factor when you’re still young and growing quickly, but it isn’t the only one. My parents’ marriage was an absolute disaster, and they got married in their forties.

    DH and I have never felt the need to explain ourselves to anyone. We made the right decision for ourselves, and our marriage is worth putting the work into. There are some situations that will make my jaw drop (e.g. whirlwind marriages, getting married fresh out of high school, etc. etc.) but ultimately, it’s not my relationship nor my life. And unless that person is asking for advice (in which case I try to offer a different perspective, because, well, they did ask for it), I keep my mouth shut.

    Post # 67
    Member
    14 posts
    Newbee

    I’ll be 29 when we get married this November and I still think I’m too young ha ha…

    You are such a different person in your early 20’s than in your late 20’s, I thought I was mature and a real adult at 23, now when I look back I realise that just wasn’t true even though I’d finished university, was working full time, living with my boyfriend etc.

    I totally agree that it depends on the couple but my main issue with people getting married ‘young’ is that everyone always seems to be in such a rush to get married, I just don’t get it, i have friends in the 21-23 age group who think if they’re not engaged by this age they’re old maids who are wasting their lives. if I’d married my boyfriend of 5 years at age 23, I would be one of those divorce statistics by now.

    Nothing wrong with a long engagement 😉

     

    Post # 68
    Member
    9834 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: April 2019

    View original reply
    @duchiewoo:  Many older brides are in a rush to get married too lol, most people of all ages get married within a year or 18 months.

    I agree that a long engagement can be good, but unless there is a logical reason for it (school, financing, logistically needing it) etc I don’t see why someone should have to have a long engagement simply because of their age? In your eyes is it to get them to an age that is ‘acceptable’?

    ETA: I am a strong advocate for long engagements, I am having one myself, but if the couple can afford to support themselves and live together by the time they get married, I see nothing wrong with them having a shorter engagement if that’s what they want to do.

    Post # 69
    Member
    2268 posts
    Buzzing bee

    View original reply
    @Ninteenthchance:  “I think that when young brides are constantly seeking approval from others and trying to convince people that theres nothing wrong with getting married you g, it just shows their immaturity.

    +1,000.

    I’m 22 (not engaged yet) and should be married between 24-26 which I personally consider ‘young’. I couldn’t care less about what other people think regarding my age, maturity or my relationship. My life is my own and I am free to make the decisions I deem best for me.

    I think people who need constant reassurance that they’re not too young, or need for everyone to agree with them that they are old enough to be married, come from a place of doubt and insecurity – whether that doubt and insecurity is because they feel too young, they don’t feel ready,  they feel pressure to marry etc. I have no idea, but it doesn’t seem mature to me at all.

    IMO young brides are ‘frowned upon’ because many behave immaturely and their relationships have a lot of red flags – things that older, more experienced men and woman are able to see because they have more life experience and better judgement skills.

    I don’t believe that all young marriages will end in divorce, but I think those young couples who marry with a ‘our relationship is indestructible; we are the exception to the rule; our relationship is perfect etc.’ attitude, definitely will.

    ETA: I also think the whole ‘well, my grandparents married in their teens and they’re still happily married 80 years later’ thing is a stupid reason to believe that your own marriage will be lifelong. One; they were different times, where you were expected to act happy, even if you weren’t and divorce wasn’t socially or morally acceptable and; Two; couples of happily married parents can and do get divorced, just as couple whose parents went through a messy divorce can and do have happy lifelong marriages.

    Post # 70
    Member
    9834 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: April 2019

    I have to admit that I am someone who needs approval and seeks it, and gets butthurt over opinions others have of me and my relationship, which I know I need to work on. I don’t think it means our marriage is doomed though, and I have plenty of time to work on it (probably another three years until we get married) lol.

    Post # 71
    Member
    2268 posts
    Buzzing bee

    @TimeWillCome:  “I am 19 and my wedding is in march I don’t see a problem with age if you are mentally mature for it

    I’m pretty sure – and anyone can feel free to correct me if I am wrong – but the Prefrontal Cortex (the part of the brain that controls reasoning and impulses) isn’t fully developed until 25, therefore being ‘mentally mature’ at 19, isn’t possible.

    Post # 72
    Member
    9834 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: April 2019

    View original reply
    @Mischka:  Physically mentally mature in regards to brain development, yes it is impossible until age 25, but you can still be mature with thought process, values, ability to deal with things in a mature manner, make mature choices at a younger age, I think that’s what TimeWillCome means.

    Post # 73
    Member
    2268 posts
    Buzzing bee

    @Jacqui90:  “you can still be mature with thought process, values, ability to deal with things in a mature manner, make mature choices at a younger age

    True, but to say you are ‘mentally mature’ is incorrect and to me, seems like a way to try and ‘prove’ that your decision is right.

    I was actually about to reply to you where you said “I have to admit that I am someone who needs approval and seeks it, and gets butthurt over opinions others have of me and my relationship, which I know I need to work on” to say that a technique I use when I am feeling as though I need approval is think of something they don’t know which is ‘proof’ that their opinion is wrong. Does that make sense?

    Post # 74
    Member
    9834 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: April 2019

    View original reply
    @Mischka:  That makes sense, thanks. Yeah I guess ‘mentally mature’ is a bit of a grey area.

    Post # 75
    Member
    4654 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: August 2013

    @PenultimateWhisk:  I don’t think it’s any of my damn business when people get married, or anyone else’s who isn’t in the relationship. If you’re an adult and you wanna marry another adult, who also wants to marry you, I fully support it.

    Post # 76
    Member
    405 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: August 2014

    I’ve seen it go different ways for young couples… some marriages have ended abusively, some have lasted into wonderful loving partnerships. One size does not fit all.

    That said, I’ve been amazed at how many women I’ve known of my mother’s generation (Baby Boomer) who got married below age 25 who have impressed upon their daughters, nieces, etc that they wished they had been older, knew themselves more, etc before getting married. And these are all women who are still happily married! I think some – thought not all – of them felt family pressure to marry quickly so that they wouldn’t “live in sin” and wished they could have taken more time to marry.  Something interesting for me to think about, as I’ll be almost 30 when I get married, but will have known (though not dated) my fiance for about 10 years. Was he a wonderful, sweet guy when we met? Absolutely, but for whatever reason, we weren’t ready to be together at that point, so I think about the counterfactual of if we’d gotten together earlier and felt pressure to marry. Would things have been worse? Not necessarily, but I do believe we might have made different decisions about grad school/career, etc.

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