Post # 1
I remember when my brother was ready to propose to my sister-in-law (then 34 years old and 100% independent from her parents/living with my brother for several years) he went to her father and asked his permission. I thought the whole thing was so weird and said so to my parents. My dad, who usually agreed with me on most issues, had a completely different opinion and thought that my brother had done the “right” and “respectful” thing. It ended up in a heated discussion between me and my dad, which was unusual, and I said to my then-boyfriend, now husband, “My dad feels strongly about this whole ‘Ask for the father’s blessing’ thing.”
My dad ended up passing away unexpectedly about a year before my husband was ready to propose. Because he couldn’t ask my dad, my husband asked both my brother and mom for their blessing before he proposed. I was glad he did because I didn’t want any hard feelings towards my husband, but the whole thing still seems so weird to me.
Thoughts? Did your husband ask for your hand or a blessing before proposing? Did you disagree on this subject? Do you think age or living situations make a difference? If your husband didn’t ask, were there hard feelings because of it? If a blessing/approval wasn’t given, did the plans change?
Post # 2
We are both 32. He asked my parents for their blessing. It’s not about asking permission, it’s about making them feel ncluded in such a meaningful aspect of our life together. He already knew they’d be overjoyed.
Post # 3
I eloped at 19 and my father was hurt thatwe didn’t seek his blessing or permission.
Now I’m 31 and will be getting formally engaged soon and I expect my bf to ask him. Even though I’ve been financially independent since I was 19 and have two kids off my own.
I’ve already proven that I can do what I want…. and don’t need their blessing.
But I want his blessing this time. I want it to be an opportunity to show my parents that we respect and value them and want them included in the excitement of this new adventure.
Post # 4
sboom : bibliophilacticbee : Interesting perspectives, thanks bees! Do you feel like the groom’s parents need to be included/honored/respected in the same way? Is it assumed they will know a proposal is coming because the groom will tell them?
Post # 5
I personally think its really weird and kind of creepy. The tradition dates back to when brides were treated as property and a marriage ceremony was equivalent to an exchange of goods, hence dowries. However Fiance and I had prearranged for him to ‘ask’ two of our very close friends for ‘permission’ before he proposed. If he had genuinely asked my families permission I would feel uncomfortable because that makes me feel like he sees me as an object. (Sorry I can’t change the font size from my phone)
Post # 6
My fiancé didn’t ask my families permission before proposing. It goes against everything I believe in. It stems from a time women were their fathers property before they got married then they became their husbands property. I told my fiancé before we got engaged, actually fairly early on in our relationship if he asked anyone’s permission but mine my answer would be no because the only persons permission he needs to marry me is mine.
My dad wasn’t at all upset or put out, he understands where I’m coming from and if he had asked my father would’ve been surprised and told him to ask me as I’m can make my own mind up.
Post # 7
My finance asked my dad for his blessing not permission and I knew he would as we had discussed it and I said I felt it was traditional and my dad would appreciate the gesture.
but that is all it was a gesture as the only one making the decision was myself.
Post # 8
It’s a completely sexist tradition. It has nothing to do with respect and it’s completely outdated.
I would have been pissed if my husband had asked my dad for his permission or blessing. And my dad would have told him he’s asking the wrong person. So, no my husband did not talk to my dad before proposing and it didn’t cause any hard feelings because my dad views it as an outdated and sexist tradition too.
Post # 9
- Wedding: September 2019 - City, State
My fiancé asked for both of my parents’ blessings separately. I can’t really explain it but it’s probably one of my favorite parts of our engagement story. Imagining how those conversations looked makes me emotional. I guess I just really value their approval of him- because my exes were less than good fits, and while they supported me through sucky relationships I should’ve listened to their advice and GTFO. It means the world to me that they love him, think we’re perfect together, and are so enthusiastic about us getting married. And by him asking means he respects them and wants them to be included, too. His parents were included as well.
I guess I just don’t look at it as implying I can’t/won’t make my own decision. No one sees me as property- but I am still treasured.
Post # 10
- Wedding: December 2018 - City, State
Mynfirst husband did. I was furious. Because my awful stepmother didnt like me and more or less told me the night off that he was going to propose. It was easy to guess once we arrived at our date but she knew whatbshebwas doing and tried to ruin it.
Besides that our families were religious and I was young so I guess he did out of respect but I didn’t like it at all.
My current fiance did not 😁 we are 27 and 35 and I moved out of home at 18. Fiance is hugely respectful but also to to women and I’m sure he feels it’s an outdated thing.
Post # 11
- Wedding: February 2018 - UK
Mine didn’t ask my parents, and I think I would have been annoyed if he had. I was 32 when we got engaged, we already lived together, it would have been weird, IMO.
I certainly didn’t need permission, and harsh as it sounds, I also didn’t need anyone’s blessing to get married. I’m lucky in that my parents really like my husband, but whether they’d given their blessing or not, it wouldn’t have made any difference to the decision.
Post # 12
Fi did ask. It was to do with respect. I am not my dad’s property but I do respect him. Wanting his blessing and wanting him to give me away and walk me down the aisle (all outdated traditions) was about respecting my dad. We were 27 and 33 when we got engaged and lived together. I don’t think age makes a difference personally.
Post # 13
My Fiance spoke to both my parents before the proposal. It was more for a ‘blessing’ and to give them a heads up rather than ‘permission’. I’m very close to my mum and less so to my dad so I am very glad he asked them both rather than being traditional, this wasn’t something we had discussed.
We were in our late 20’s and livng together so I was an independent adult and it didn’t bother me in the slightest that my Fiance spoke to my parents, he also spoke to his own on the same day.
Post # 14
It was important to me that Darling Husband approached my dad before proposing. It wasn’t about asking permission, it was about respect. We both knew my parents would be supportive of us getting married, but I still wanted Darling Husband to extend the courtesy of talking to my dad first. He took it a step farther and also talked to my mother before proposing.
Post # 15
bostonbee2018 : My Husband asked my Mum and Dad for my hand in marriage. It was to let them know that this was his intention (to marry me). I believe that asking for your SO’s hand in marriage is not so much about permission but out of respect for their parents. I know it differs from culture to culture.