SPINOFF: Asking for father's permission/blessing?

posted 1 week ago in Family
Post # 16
Member
522 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

This is one of the few wedding traditions I hate – there’s no modern way to swing it (eg walking down the aisle is support, not “giving her away”). Asking permission negates the woman’s agency in her own life, and is another level of pushing for a yes. And in terms of respecting the parents – again, shouldn’t the woman have respect to make decisions in her relationship? We respected our parents by telling them first, in person. I’d have been disappointed if my husband had asked my dad before me.

Post # 17
Member
828 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

My husband asked dad for his blessing. It’s a respect thing 

Post # 18
Member
22 posts
Newbee

My fiance asked both of my parents together for their blessing. It had nothing to do with asking permission, it was simply being respectful of them as my parents- I’ve been independent for a long time, but they’ll always be my parents and always want the best for me. It was a fun way to include them, and they were both so touched. It was also a nice way of letting them know that an engagement would be happening soon, as his parents already knew because he’d spoken with them during the several months it took to find the right diamond.

 

All in all, I’m really glad he asked for their blessing, and I know my parents loved it, and they’re not super traditional! But if it’s something you’re against or don’t like, remember it’s your engagement and your life!

Post # 19
Member
30 posts
Newbee

What I don’t understand from a number of people on here is why apparently your fathers are worthy of so much respect that a marriage they aren’t actually in should hinge on their opinion, but the mother’s opinion is treated as superfluous. Shouldn’t at least both your parents deserve respect? To go only to the male parent of a female child seems gross, like implying some sort of romantic ownership of her by him. 

Post # 20
Member
1221 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

bostonbee2018 :  my dad hasn’t had much to do with my life but dh still asked my dad for permission.  I thought it was sweet, it was more asking for his blessing (we would have gotten engaged regardless) and as pp said, involving my family in the moment.

Post # 21
Member
23 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: August 2019

My fiance didn’t ask my parents, and if he had asked my dad, my dad would have told him he was asking the wrong person, I’m sure. I’ve been independent since I was 18 and am not super close to my parents so it would have been both unnecessary and disrespectful to my ability to make decisions for myself. My dad especially is always very careful not to push his opinions on his kids. I also don’t like the connotations of ownership.

Besides which, we have been together for almost 8 years and have a child together, so it would have been faintly ridiculous since we are tied for life by our child anyway.

I agree if you are going to ask a parent out of ‘respect’, it should be both parents. But really, my parent’s opinion wouldn’t have made much difference, if I wanted to marry him, I would have done, regardless.

Post # 22
Member
2614 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015 - St Peter's Church, East Maitland, and Bella Vista, Newcastle

emeraldsparkle :  My husband asked my parents (together) for their blessing – not their permission though, it was more “I’m planning to propose, I hope you will give me your blessing” – he would have proposed anyway regardless of what they said.  But it was definitely a conversation with both of them, not just my dad.  He had also told his parents what he was planning, as much as anything else because he borrowed an heirloom ring from his mother to propose with as he knew I wanted to choose my own.  I wouldn’t have wanted him to ask permission but I was glad he’d spoken with both sets of parents about it.

Post # 23
Member
390 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

A lot of it is about reassuring the parents of the bride that he will take good care of her, and also an opportunity for the parents to express any concerns they have.  It’s more than just “asking for permission” – it’s meant to be a man to man kind of conversation.  I think a lot of people boil it down to something weird, but it’s a two-way manly respect thing.

FH asked my father for his blessing, and they sat outside and talked for what seemed like ages.  My dad was very happy, but of course wanted to make sure that FH knew he had expectations for his new son-in-law.  Nothing crazy and it wasn’t a “if you don’t do this, then I won’t allow the marriage” kind of thing.  Just ensuring that FH knew how much this meant to him, and that he wanted to be sure I was happy and safe.

Post # 24
Member
289 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

My husband called my dad before the proposal and asked for his blessing, under the guise of thanking my dad for helping us out with house hunting (my dad is in construction/real estate development and knows a ton about houses).  My parents are chill but can be pretty traditionalist about weddings and such.  My mom later told me my dad really appreciated the gesture and probably would have been a bit miffed if my husband hadn’t spoken with him.  And yeah, it was definitely about the blessing, not permission.  If husband had gone hyper traditional and asked permission (he wouldn’t have), my dad probably would have been like “lol why do you need my permission?”

Also the blessing ask served the secondary purpose of getting my parents off my back about the house buying – my parents did NOT like the idea of us buying a house together without being engaged/married first.

Post # 25
Member
306 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2018

I asked my FI’s mom before I proposed. She raised him much more than his father did, and I felt that it was the right thing to do, especially since I was the one who would be doing the asking. She was not at all surprised, said, and I quote, “I speak for ALL of us when I say yes.” 

I think the tradition has morphed from “permission” to “blessing”. To give the parent a sort of “final say” at the proverbial end of their son/daughter’s childhood – much akin to walking the bride/groom down the aisle. I would ask Future Mother-In-Law 100 times over.

Post # 26
Member
142 posts
Blushing bee

ukbea :  Exactly this. I despise this tradition, and for me, ‘respect’ is too vague a concept to justify continuing this. 

So no, definitely not. Although I don’t believe in the concepts of ‘proposals’ anyway so this situation would never have arisen for me. 

Post # 27
Member
173 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

bostonbee2018 :  well,  in our case,  they have the diamond in their safe that he’ll use for the proposal. So he’ll get to include them in that excitement.  Then after,  I’ve already discussed ways of including his mom in the planning process… he’s an only child and loves event planning  so I really want her to feel included in the whole process. 

 

So yes… just in different ways. After seeing the hurt of my elopement,  I’m viewing this process as more for my family than me.  I get the most wonderful guy out of it,  so I’m good to go.  

Post # 28
Member
5534 posts
Bee Keeper

bostonbee2018 :  I did not want my husband to ask anyone if he could marry me except ME and I made sure he knew it. I personally would have found it disrespectful for him to talk to my parents and leave me out of the conversation since it’s my life. When we announced our engagement my dad made a half-joking comment like “congrats, but I don’t recall you asking my permission” and my husband looked him straight in the eye and said “no sir, your daughter told me not to and I’m more afraid of her than you”. My dad laughed, slapped him on the back and said “you’re going to be great at marriage!”. 

I think if it’s important to the couple to ask for the parents’ blessing then go ahead. But make sure you know which way your bride goes on the matter ahead of time. 

Post # 29
Member
66 posts
Worker bee

Absolutely not. My husband knows full well I would never have married him if he did things like ask my father for permission. Permission for what? I’m not my fathers property. The only person that needed to give permission was me.

 

Well—- and my husband! The truth is we agreed I would propose to him—-and I certainly didn’t ask his dad for permission for the same reason.

 

Do you think a bride should ask the grooms father and mother for permission? If not, it’s sexism all the way down. If so, I guess it’s not sexist——but it is a weird kind of infantilization.

Post # 30
Member
66 posts
Worker bee

JiminyCricket :  Can I ask for a bit more information? Because I really don’t understand how it disrespects a man to have another man think that his adult daughter gets to make romantic decisions about her own life? 

I would find it incredibly DISrespectful of my dad if my husband had asked his blessing or permission (my dad would find this disrespectful as well I am sure) because it would imply my dad raised me to think I should let men direct my life instead of being an independent and competent adult. To my parents (and to me!) that would imply my parents failed to do their job of raising me into an intelligent and capable woman.

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