SPINOFF: Asking for father's permission/blessing?

posted 10 months ago in Family
Post # 31
Member
17 posts
Newbee

My fiance met with my parents the night before the proposal just to show them the ring and let them know he would be proposing the following day. My parents were aware of our intention to get married and we had been together for seven years so my fiance knew that my parents were excited for us to take the next step in our relationship. 

Post # 32
Member
913 posts
Busy bee

Nope. I was 39-years-old with two children of my own when Darling Husband proposed. We didn’t need either of my parents’ permission. 

Post # 33
Hostess
3708 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2016

No. My parents haven’t had a say in my decisions since I was 16. There is no special set of words you can use to make this concept not sexist. It makes my skin crawl. 

Post # 35
Member
282 posts
Helper bee

I would have been so upset if Fiance asked permission.  I am not anyone’s property and do not want my parents to think they have the power to grant permission (which they don’t, btw.  My mom and dad raised me to be self sufficient.  As my mom says,”so that you can kick whatever loser you’ve picked up back into the gutter when you’re done and never have to rely on a man”) but would have been equally upset if he didn’t make my parents feel included.  I think a phone call, in my case where relationships were good, was sufficient to say that he was moving forward and wanted to include them.

Post # 36
Member
26 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: September 2017

Ugh who the eff cares. I hope that those getting their panties in a twist did not or will not participate in the following “sexist” traditions:

*get proposed to

*receive an engagement ring without giving one in return

*have your SO pay for said ring

*have your father walk you down the aisle

*wear a white (or resembling color) wedding dress

* have “I now pronounce you man and wife, you may kiss the bride” in your ceremony

 

Post # 37
Member
827 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

We were 38 when we got engaged. My husband told my dad before he proposed. It wasn’t really a “permission” or “blessing” thing, but just a heads up to let him know his intentions. and I know it was important to my Dad that he did so.

Post # 38
Member
7297 posts
Busy Beekeeper

anonomee :  the beautiful thing is that each person gets to decide for themselves which traditions they like and which ones they want to keep. Just because I didn’t want my husband to ask my dad for permission to marry me means I shouldn’t have worn a white gown? But I look good in white! I wear it almost every day in fact. Does that make a difference? We followed the Jewish tradition and both of us were escorted down the aisle by both of our parents – should we have skipped that since we never asked for their permission to make our own life choices because of what some think it symbolizes?

Post # 39
Member
2917 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

bostonbee2018 :  My dad also passed away several years ago so my now husband drove 2 hours away to meet up with my mom and “ask for permission”, although it wasn’t really asking, more just like letting her know and getting her blessing. I thought it was really sweet.

ETA husband and I were 30 when we got engaged, already living together and neither of us are very traditional and we’re not religious whatsoever. Like someone else has said, I think he just wanted my mom to be aware that this huge life changing even in her daughters life was going to happen.

Post # 40
Member
825 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2019

I see no problem with people wanting to go the “traditional” route but it is certainly not required. While the orgins of asking the father’s permission is sexist and archaic, I don’t think it’s wrong to do in our time. You’re never just marrying your SO, you’re marrying into a family so I think it’s nice to include them, if possible. 

My exhusband didn’t ask or speak to my folks before we got engaged. My Dad was alittle hurt & surprised but didn’t make a fuss. 

Since I am older now, and have been on my own since I was 20, my Dad doesn’t expect my SO to ask. Although! I would like my SO to let my folks know his intention to marry me. While I don’t think it’s the “right” thing to do, it is a nice thing to do. We will be merging families afterall and I think it’s nice to include them. 

The flip side is my Future Mother-In-Law has mentioned to me that she hopes my SO tells her that he will propose. I have past that information on to my SO so he is aware of his mother’s feelings. He wouldn’t not tell her because he doesn’t want to but simply because he wouldn’t think to tell her. As far as I know right now, he hasn’t spoke to either of our folks, ha! But all in good timing 🙂  

Post # 41
Member
436 posts
Helper bee

anonomee :  

 

Its a little weird and condescending to think those things cant ever be pried apart. But as it happens, no I didn’t do those things. I (a woman) proposed to my (male) fiancée,using a non-ring item, my father didn’t walk me down the aisle, I wore a different kind of dress made by a friend of mine, and out officiant pronounced us teammates for life. 

I hope all the people who think calling out the sexist features of this act are just “getting their panties in a bunch” (hint- that’s you!)never experience sexism and the restrictions it places on lives.

Post # 42
Member
26 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: September 2017

LilliV :  My point was to call asking for permission a sexist tradition while embracing others that are equally sexist is hypocritical. I have no problem with picking and choosing which traditions you want to follow, just be consistent if you’re going to get on the soap box. 

Post # 43
Member
26 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: September 2017

personaperson :  I appreciate your consistency in your values. That was my whole point. 

Post # 44
Hostess
3708 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2016

anonomee :  We decided, as equal partners to get married, no engagement ring, we didn’t have an aisle, and if anyone ever referred to us as “man and wife” or Mr and Mrs His Name there would be hell to pay. 

But, hey thanks for being super pissy and making assumptions! 

Post # 45
Member
9002 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

anonomee :  What does wearing a white dress have to do with sexism? I think you need to bone up on your history. White became fashionable after Queen Victoria wore a white dress. Many people wrongly assume a connection between a white dress and virginity but blue is the colour of purity (like the Virgin Mary). A white wedding dress was a fashion choice and not a statement on purity.

 

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