Post # 31
My fiance met with my parents the night before the proposal just to show them the ring and let them know he would be proposing the following day. My parents were aware of our intention to get married and we had been together for seven years so my fiance knew that my parents were excited for us to take the next step in our relationship.
Post # 32
Nope. I was 39-years-old with two children of my own when Darling Husband proposed. We didn’t need either of my parents’ permission.
Post # 33
No. My parents haven’t had a say in my decisions since I was 16. There is no special set of words you can use to make this concept not sexist. It makes my skin crawl.
Post # 34
LilliV : I think if it’s important to the couple to ask for the parents’ blessing then go ahead. But make sure you know which way your bride goes on the matter ahead of time.
That makes a lot of sense to me – it didn’t feel like a hill to die on since it clearly meant a lot to my dad. And even though I thought it was strange, I didn’t have really strong feelings against it.
This thread just reminded me of what happened to my friend from college. Her boyfriend went to her dad and asked for her hand (they were 25-26 and had been together for 6 or 7 years at this point). Her dad said no. The boyfriend already had the ring and had planned out the proposal for an uncoming trip. So he went ahead and did it anyway and they kept their engagement a secret from her family for 2 years.
It was such a charade making sure no one accidentally spilled it to them. The boyfriend/fiancé eventually went back and asked again and her father did give his permission that time. Her parents think they were engaged on a different day and in a different way than when and how it actually happened. I get that he asked out of respect for her dad, but why ask if you’re just going to do whatever you want anyway? The situation still makes me laugh/scratch my head when I think about.
Post # 35
I would have been so upset if Fiance asked permission. I am not anyone’s property and do not want my parents to think they have the power to grant permission (which they don’t, btw. My mom and dad raised me to be self sufficient. As my mom says,”so that you can kick whatever loser you’ve picked up back into the gutter when you’re done and never have to rely on a man”) but would have been equally upset if he didn’t make my parents feel included. I think a phone call, in my case where relationships were good, was sufficient to say that he was moving forward and wanted to include them.
Post # 36
Ugh who the eff cares. I hope that those getting their panties in a twist did not or will not participate in the following “sexist” traditions:
*get proposed to
*receive an engagement ring without giving one in return
*have your SO pay for said ring
*have your father walk you down the aisle
*wear a white (or resembling color) wedding dress
* have “I now pronounce you man and wife, you may kiss the bride” in your ceremony
Post # 37
We were 38 when we got engaged. My husband told my dad before he proposed. It wasn’t really a “permission” or “blessing” thing, but just a heads up to let him know his intentions. and I know it was important to my Dad that he did so.
Post # 38
anonomee : the beautiful thing is that each person gets to decide for themselves which traditions they like and which ones they want to keep. Just because I didn’t want my husband to ask my dad for permission to marry me means I shouldn’t have worn a white gown? But I look good in white! I wear it almost every day in fact. Does that make a difference? We followed the Jewish tradition and both of us were escorted down the aisle by both of our parents – should we have skipped that since we never asked for their permission to make our own life choices because of what some think it symbolizes?
Post # 39
bostonbee2018 : My dad also passed away several years ago so my now husband drove 2 hours away to meet up with my mom and “ask for permission”, although it wasn’t really asking, more just like letting her know and getting her blessing. I thought it was really sweet.
ETA husband and I were 30 when we got engaged, already living together and neither of us are very traditional and we’re not religious whatsoever. Like someone else has said, I think he just wanted my mom to be aware that this huge life changing even in her daughters life was going to happen.
Post # 40
I see no problem with people wanting to go the “traditional” route but it is certainly not required. While the orgins of asking the father’s permission is sexist and archaic, I don’t think it’s wrong to do in our time. You’re never just marrying your SO, you’re marrying into a family so I think it’s nice to include them, if possible.
My exhusband didn’t ask or speak to my folks before we got engaged. My Dad was alittle hurt & surprised but didn’t make a fuss.
Since I am older now, and have been on my own since I was 20, my Dad doesn’t expect my SO to ask. Although! I would like my SO to let my folks know his intention to marry me. While I don’t think it’s the “right” thing to do, it is a nice thing to do. We will be merging families afterall and I think it’s nice to include them.
The flip side is my Future Mother-In-Law has mentioned to me that she hopes my SO tells her that he will propose. I have past that information on to my SO so he is aware of his mother’s feelings. He wouldn’t not tell her because he doesn’t want to but simply because he wouldn’t think to tell her. As far as I know right now, he hasn’t spoke to either of our folks, ha! But all in good timing 🙂
Post # 41
Its a little weird and condescending to think those things cant ever be pried apart. But as it happens, no I didn’t do those things. I (a woman) proposed to my (male) fiancée,using a non-ring item, my father didn’t walk me down the aisle, I wore a different kind of dress made by a friend of mine, and out officiant pronounced us teammates for life.
I hope all the people who think calling out the sexist features of this act are just “getting their panties in a bunch” (hint- that’s you!)never experience sexism and the restrictions it places on lives.
Post # 42
LilliV : My point was to call asking for permission a sexist tradition while embracing others that are equally sexist is hypocritical. I have no problem with picking and choosing which traditions you want to follow, just be consistent if you’re going to get on the soap box.
Post # 43
personaperson : I appreciate your consistency in your values. That was my whole point.
Post # 44
anonomee : We decided, as equal partners to get married, no engagement ring, we didn’t have an aisle, and if anyone ever referred to us as “man and wife” or Mr and Mrs His Name there would be hell to pay.
But, hey thanks for being super pissy and making assumptions!
Post # 45
anonomee : What does wearing a white dress have to do with sexism? I think you need to bone up on your history. White became fashionable after Queen Victoria wore a white dress. Many people wrongly assume a connection between a white dress and virginity but blue is the colour of purity (like the Virgin Mary). A white wedding dress was a fashion choice and not a statement on purity.