SPINOFF: Asking for father's permission/blessing?

posted 1 year ago in Family
Post # 61
994 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

my fiance asked my grandfathers blessing, not permission. and my grandfather really appreciated it. i dont think its weird. i think its sweet and respectful. not that NOT asking isnt respectful. it doesnt really matter either way. but i thought it was sweet

Post # 62
1415 posts
Bumble bee

I proposed to my husband. And we would have gotten married whether or not my parents or his parents wanted to give their blessing. So there was no point. Their answer didn’t matter. After we got engaged we called to let them know and to celebrate with them. But we didn’t need their permission or approval.

Post # 63
106 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: January 2019

I think it’s so weird too and really archaic since I can only imagine it comes from times when women were considered chattel, owned by their parents. I in a way think it’s cute just because I like a father/son-in-law relationship, but I don’t like the suggestion behind it. My SO did not ask because he knew my progressive feelings about it (though he has not officially proposed, but we have booked our wedding and everybody knows the ring is on the way and everything is in the works), but when I first discussed the wedding with my parents, my dad called me specifically to give me his blessing.. which was cute because he said, not that you need it, but I just wanted to say that I think he is a great guy and you are a wonderful couple. Brought a little tear to my eye, I thought that was very sweet.. but I don’t think it should be a requirement. 

Post # 64
1143 posts
Bumble bee

bostonbee2018 :  including them in the proposal is cute. Asking for permission is so outdated. 

Post # 65
452 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2018

My fiance spoke to my dad before proposing idk if it was to ask for his blessing or just to let him know but my dad was over the moon that he came to him first.  I thought it was sweet.

Post # 66
383 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2021 - British Columbia, Canada

I think it’s icky and archaic, as does my dad. If my boyfriend were to ask my dad for permission/blessing/anything of the effect of that, my dad’s response would be that I’m not his property and that hopefully his strong, independent, autonomous daughter doesn’t find out she wasn’t the first person asked to make a decision about her own freaking future…

Post # 67
21 posts
  • Wedding: August 2010

If my Darling Husband had asked my dad’s permission, my dad would have said “It isn’t up to me”.  After we were engaged (that same night) we went to my parents’ to tell them.  They were excited.  The next weekend we visited his mom and told her.  She offered an engagement ring.  THEN we went to Synagague for an annoucement and blessing. I don’t think anyone was surprised (we’d been together 5 years and were in the process of buying a house together). But it was clearly our choice.

And I would never have my Dad “give me away”.  That feels even more sexist then the ask permission/blessing thing.  My parents both walked me to the chuppah, which is Jewish tradition. My DH’s mom and her partner both walked him to the chuppah.

Post # 68
313 posts
Helper bee

anonomee :  I didn’t do partake in any of those traditions and I’m gonna keep getting my panties in a twist about all of the above.

The principle of comitting to one partner for life isn’t sexist in itself (so I think the institution of marriage has moved beyond the purpose it was intended for prior to marrying for love/romance), but I do wish we could get rid of some of the other more icky traditions associated with it.

Post # 69
2576 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2017 - Courthouse

I think it’s a sexist tradition but can be done properly. My husband asked both of my parents because he wanted to include them and let them know what his plans were. He actually planned to take them out for dinner to talk about it when I was babysitting and then the family ended up not needing a sitter. 

But for my husband, it was more about including both of my parents and letting them know what to expect so they were included. I think it’s weird when a boyfriend only asks a dad. Doesn’t the mom’s opinion matter too?

Post # 70
545 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

I did not read all of the replies, but I told my FH that he could NOT ask my father’s permission/blessing/whatever. It goes back to the exchange of property and I cannot get over that. I don’t think it is respectful at all to the wife. I am not property to be asked for. I think asking for the blessing is really just a watered-down version. Ladies don’t ask for the father or mother of the groom’s blessing, so why is it just the father of the bride? Even if the woman proposes or the couple decides mutually, the woman still doesn’t ask permission. It is old-fashioned, outdated and sexist in my opinion. Personally, I think anyone who says otherwise is kidding themselves. 

I sincerely don’t understand how it can be construed as respectful if it doesn’t go both ways to both sets of parents. And besides, why should the parents be asked? They don’t really have a say in things. Is it for the illusion of it? In that case, it is the illusion of permission and the ability to say no.

ETA: Okay, after reading so many responses about how people who care about this better have their panties in a twist about other sexist wedding traditions, I want to add that I do. FH and I did a lot of research and are forgoing a lot of wedding traditions that we think are sexist. There are some that we just did (engagement ring) even though we knew it was archaic. Picking and choosing doesn’t make you a hypocrite, it makes you a critical thinker. Giving me jewelry clearly doesn’t discount my personhood the same way other traditions do. 

Post # 71
9588 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2016

We didn’t do it.. my dad and I are both the sort that would be like “uhh.. okaaaaay” if Darling Husband had wanted to.. but at the same time we would have gone with it. It’s just such not a big deal either way imo.. 

Post # 72
1020 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2019

I told my now-FI that it was important for me for both of my parents to know that he was going to propose. Not asking for permission, but just to tell them that he was going to do it. He proposed while we were on vacation and he called them the night before. They absolutely love him and were overjoyed.

Post # 73
12134 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

bostonbee2018 :  “Thoughts? Did your husband ask for your hand or a blessing before proposing? Did you disagree on this subject? Do you think age or living situations make a difference? If your husband didn’t ask, were there hard feelings because of it? If a blessing/approval wasn’t given, did the plans change?”

He did neither. My parents would have likely been disappointed if H behaved as if I was property and asked for permission or even a blessing. The latter is not really any part of our tradition, though.

That says, a “heads up” or blessing can be an exciting way to share in the excitement but I also think that if  this custom did not exist, given the option a lot of women would prefer to be the first to know and share the news with their loved ones as they see fit.

At a time when couples are older, more educated, more independent and more financially self sufficient than ever I think it’s ironic how trendy this has once again become, even for couples who are not religious or being supported by family.

Post # 74
7813 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

Dh did not ask for my parents’ permission or blessing before he proposed because it’s not customary in his culture and he wasn’t sure how I’d feel about him doing it. After he proposed, he asked me if I wanted him to ask my parents’ for their blessing on our engagement. I knew it would mean a lot to them, so I told him to go for it. That was really all there was to it for me…my parents know I make my own choices, but I knew the gesture would mean a lot to them so I was good with it.

Of course, I also wore a white dress, had a veil, had my dad walk me down the aisle, and took my husband’s name, so I’m basically a slave to the patriarchy. oh wellz

Post # 75
617 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2018 - City, State

I wouldn’t ask my parent’s “blessing” to move out of state, buy a house, have a child, or adopt a pet. It’s just so odd to me that weddings are somehow the exception. I get why people want to divorce the custom from the reality of what it meant, but it’s just … incongruous, to me. There’s no logic to it.

So yeah, hard pass in my relationship. But everyone’s different.

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