SPINOFF: Asking for father's permission/blessing?

posted 1 year ago in Family
Post # 76
Member
359 posts
Helper bee

As I am unfortunately estranged from my father and my now husband and I had both been married before, my husband asked my mother and my children for their blessings before he asked me to marry him. 

While it wasn’t necessary, he wanted to ensure that all felt comfortable because he would be stepping into such a big role of full-time father for my kids who had lost their own father in Iraq. This would have been the time that any one of them could have spoken up with concerns but instead he was welcomed into the family with enthusiasm and open arms.

Post # 77
Member
366 posts
Helper bee

anonomee :  Yes, thank you for this! So many wedding traditions has negative/appalling origins; I think we need to remember that just because a couple follows any or all traditions does not mean they’re subjecting themselves to outdated sexism. 

For me, I think talking to the parents before proposing is sweet. It’s not about treating me as property or taking away the decision from me; I can and will marry whomever I want, but I also love my parents and trust their judgment. Honestly, for me, it’s not even about respect. 

Instead, it is knowing that my SO and parents are comfortable having a discussion together about a serious topic without me and that they get along well enough that he even can ask (and not worry about getting a bad response!)… I don’t know, it just feels sweet to me.

It is not so much “yes, you may have my daughter” instead it’s “yes, we would love to welcome you into the family and we’re happy for you + our daughter”

Post # 78
Member
1399 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2020

I don’t have a dad in my life, but we gave both sets of parents heads up that we planned on getting engaged by the end of the year.

Post # 79
Member
6590 posts
Bee Keeper

I’m on the “sexist and outdated” train. Even people trying to spin it as “respect” makes my skin crawl. A father is not owed respect in regards to his grown daughter and her intentions. As others said you dont ask for a “blessing” to give a promotion, get a pet, buy a house, etc. Its still hanging onto the string of patriarchy IMO, just attempting to spin it. 

Post # 80
Member
167 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2016

Lol I’m sure it didn’t cross my husband’s mind. I actually only learned that was a thing from this board. We told our parents the next day, and they were thrilled.

Post # 81
Member
91 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: July 2019

I’m 26, live with FH, and we already have joint accounts on everything and feel that we are only unmarried in name. I haven’t lived with my parents since I left for college at 18. That being said, he did ask my father for their blessing (not permission, I felt strongly against that) to marry me. To us it was important because of southern heritage and tradition, but also out of respect for the people who birthed me, raised me, and have always been the most incredible parents. FH felt strongly about speaking to my father because he says if we have a daughter he would want her intended to speak with him before proposing as well. So all in all for us it was out of respect and  I’m glad he spoke with them. 

Post # 82
Member
9044 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

The thing that gets me about the respect trope is that if it is respectful then why are only the women’s parents asked? Why doesn’t the bride have to be respectful to the grooms family and ask for permission, I mean blessing, to marry their son? This is why this tradition is sexist as all get out.

Post # 83
Member
11456 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2009

I was 46 years old, never married, but had been living in a different state than my parents for 24 years, and my then-FI called my father and asked for his blessing.

I was very happy that he did, because both spiritually and traditonally this act had significance for my Darling Husband and me (because of our faith.) My dad found some humor in it because of my age but thought it was nice that my then-FI had done this.

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