Spinoff? Do you and your friends ever fight?

posted 2 months ago in The Lounge
Post # 16
Bee
345 posts
Helper bee

No–I think the last time I had a fight with a friend was in high school… maybe college, but I can’t recall any particular instances. I was also a huuuuge doormat from childhood through high school, so they weren’t so much “fights” as they were “me being told I did something wrong and me internalizing it and allowing people to walk all over me.” Ah… the spinelessness of youth.

My current friends and I also don’t really get into disagreements. The last disagreement I can remember with my closest friend was about a year and a half ago and it lasted all of an hour (we were living together). We both walked away, processed our feelings, then prompty came back and apologized for our respective parts in the disagreement. He and I have been best friends for 5+ years and we’ve had these disagreements maybe twice. 

I’ve made it a point to surround myself with people who have similar base views. Not to say we all agree on every little detail of life, but our core values are all the same, which makes disagreements few and far between. I’ve drifted (either purposefully or naturally) from most high school/childhood friends as our views and values became more solidified (and as we went to college all over the country, started lives in other cities, etc.). I feel incredibly lucky to have my current group of about 12 in my life.

Post # 17
Member
8007 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

This last year we had a fight within our group of friends. We are all in our 30’s and 40’s and there are 8 of us who hang out regularly. One of the members cheated on her husband, showed little to no remorse and acts as if we should all be ok with her treating her husband like crap and thinks we need to just accept her new boyfriend that she’s still seeing while she’s still married. It caused a big fight in our group because she got mad at everybody for not “supporting” her. A couple of the girls stuck by her, but some had outright shouting fights. I distanced myself quietly and am just kind of grateful for COVID because it’s a great excuse not to see her.

Post # 18
Member
341 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2018

Not since high school and college. The friends I’ve kept in contact with are pretty scattered location-wise from me, so we only meet up a few times throughout the year. Makes it harder to fight and argue with this arrangement lol

Post # 19
Member
1257 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

With the exception of one friend breakup that needed to happen with a girl I was roommates with in college and again for a few years as an adult, no, I don’t fight with my friends. I can think of one time, with one of my best friends, where we disagreed about something, I felt attacked and I cried, but we worked it out and our friendship was stronger afterward. 

Reading the replies made me realize that I have no close male friends. Huh. I’m friends with some of my husband’s guy friends but am generally closer with their wives and girlfriends. I had one good guy friend who I met through an ex of mine, when we broke up my ex moved away and I hung out with this friend a lot. Then he dated another friend of mine (with my blessing) and led her on before dumping her out of the blue after a couple months. I was pissed at him for while, but would have probably gotten past it eventually, if he hadn’t started acting weird and distancing himself from me, I assume out of guilt. Then he moved across the country and I haven’t heard from him in ages. 🙁

 

Post # 20
Member
4097 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

View original reply
@mpritchtobe1984:  In high school and early twenties – sure, my friends and I had fights. But now I feel like all of the dead weight has kind of fallen off and I am left with my ride or die besties. There would have to be something pretty fucking terrible to happen for me to “fight” with either of them. Otherwise, we have peaceful discussions, share feelings, work through any bumps. I can’t imagine fighting with any of my friends now.

The last friendship of mine that ended was about four years ago – and even then, it wasn’t a fight. It wasn’t an argument, per se, but it was definitely a “I don’t agree with, nor can I justify, your actions.” Our best friend was lying to us nonstop about things that were easily provable, when caught, she would continue to lie even after being shown proof she was lying. We had a big heart to heart and in the middle of it, it was clear the friendship was over. 

 

Post # 21
Member
1126 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2019

No I would say I don’t. I’ve taken times where I reached out less and had some space, I’ve certainly complained to my husband to vent, but never actually fought 

Post # 22
Member
388 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

In up to my early 20s yes, but I think that was more on my inability to discern who did and who didn’t deserve my friendship. Also, I was still figuring out who I was, and I was always a bit of a hot mess but didn’t realize it🙃

Post # 23
Member
1028 posts
Bumble bee

I don’t, and have never, fought with my friends in the traditional sense of the word. In other words, I do not begin conflict with them and they do not begin conflict with me, nor do I ever engage in back-and-forths with them. I would not be REMOTELY interested in having a “friend” in my life who was like that. I’m generally able to suss out the people who are difficult or dramatic and I keep my distance from them. I also try to work around my friend’s flaws/less than ideal qualities rather than confront them if these do not have a major impact on my life or the friendship.

That being said, if a problem comes up that is serious enough for me to address, I will try to lay my concern before my friend in a calm manner. I usually do it by text as I am then able to spend time crafting what I want to say and how I want to say it, and also so that I cannot be accused of saying something that I didn’t say. I find it also gives the other person the space to think about it and respond without being put on the spot.

I’ve never had a friend respond badly to my attempts to do this, and I think this is because I try to do it kindly and honestly. However, sometimes despite your efforts, problems don’t change and you have to let the friendship go, and this I’ve done several times in my life. Some issues that have caused me to let friendships go are gossiping/interfering, chronic lateness or flakiness.

Post # 24
Member
148 posts
Blushing bee

I used to have fights with my best friends when i was in my teens and early 20s, but then I got new friends. I’m still distant friends with my HS best friends and they still get in weird battles all the time even though we’re in our mid 30s.. Seems exhausting. 

Post # 25
Member
282 posts
Helper bee

I don’t really have conflict with my friends, but tbh sometimes I wonder if maybe I’d be better off if I did occasionally. A lot of people on this thread have said that if they have an issue with a friend, they tend to let the relationship just fade out. I’ve definitely done the same thing, but maybe there are friendships we could save if we just took the time to have an honest conversation about our disagreements? Friendships can be some of the most core relationships of our lives – maybe they’re worth fighting for more than that.

On the other hand, I do think it’s healthy to accept the aspects of our friends that may irritate us, and sometimes I find it beneficial to take short breaks from friendships if I’m finding myself particularly irritated, so I can come back to the friendship feeling refreshed and ready. 

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