Post # 1
This was sparked by another thread in which a bee brought up not wanting to be “head to head” equal with her husband.
That thread aside, I simply want to know…do you consider your an equal to your SO/FI/DH/partner? If yes, why? If no, why not?
ETA: As I stated below in another post, please define as you see fit. I am not personally using income/earnings in my defnition. More of a status and decisionmaking stand point. We are equals and neithers needs/wants/desires trumps the others. We make compromises, but neither of inherently takes the lead on things. Depending on the situaiton, one might “take the lead,” but they don’t have absolute say and it switches.
Post # 3
@bmo88: Not exactly sure what head to head equal means to be honest, didn’t see the original thread. Are we talking in terms of looks, education, employment etc?
Post # 4
Added a poll! Also, you can define this in any way you see fit.
I personally am not defining it in terms of an earnings potential/income sort of thing (I actually make more). I see it in terms of decision making and status in the relationship. We are equals, no ifs, ands, buts about it.
Post # 5
That’s somewhat of a broad question. In what ways? Are we equal as far as career/money? Nope. Are we equal as far as who makes the decision? More or less, yes. I’m probably a bit more stubborn, and he’s super easy going, so I guess I may have more say so in the end though. But that doesn’t mean my opinion has more value than his.
Post # 6
@Lollybags: I am not exactly sure what the OP of that thread meant, but she alluded to her wanting to be feminine and she wanted her husband to be masculine, traditional, a provider.
Post # 7
@bmo88: In that case of course I definitely seem him as equal when making decisions and status. But I think it is normal for couples to defer to one or the other in certain areas where one may have more knowledge and expertise than the other. I would still expect the other party to be consulted and offer their opinion but if it’s an area that FI knows best in (car purchasing etc.) or one that I am better skilled (legal stuff) then I think it’s fine for one person to take the lead (with the others blessing.)
I don’t personally go for the whole masculine provider, feminine homemaker roles though as I’m happy to have my own career and like our partnership to be one where both people bring an income to the table and assist around the home. ( I am higher educated and earn more than FI but in no way does this make me think he is less ‘equal’ to me though.)
Post # 8
I consider us equals in terms of we are definitely partners in life. We function way better as a team than we do apart (the whole is greater than the sum ect…) Fi tends to defer to me in decision making because I am more decisive (he tends to doubt his decisions), so I always try to consider his wants/likes and try to get his input. We definitely defer to each other in areas of expertise for sure, cars and home repairs are his while biological/medical stuff and food are mine.
Post # 9
I’d be interested if someone said they DIDN’T feel equal to their partner. That would be sort of a red flag for marriage, I think!
I HAVE felt that DH and I didn’t have equity in our responsibilities specifically when our baby was born and I was breastfeeding–but I’m told that’s pretty common. If you breastfeed, you are ‘on call’ 24/7 and–even if you pump and your DH does some bottle-duty, even if your DH encourages you to get a little ‘me time’, even if your DH gamely volunteers to soothe the baby at 4am–the fact that he has a different kind of freedom and flexibility than you will make you feel resentful. It’s also not necessarily conditioned on the breastfeeding (it was for me)–I’ve heard many formula moms say the same thing.
That aside, I’ve never felt like there was any systemic difference in equality between us.
Post # 10
@bmo88: I wouldn’t say we are true equals, but mostly equal. FH is from a country that values the more traditional male/female roles in a family but he’s not really like that.
Post # 11
- Wedding: June 2014 - Baby #2 due Sep 2017
@bmo88: I chose no.
I consider us equal in terms of intellifence, education, looks and we have equal salaries right now, but I usually let him make decisions about dinner, where to go to, which toilet roll holder to buy (!) etc.. He’s a strong, confident, elite businessman so I can’t help but let him be the ‘leader’.
Also I like the traditional role of playing the princess following her prince, and I was the same in all my past relationships. I imagine it might change when we have a child though as the power may swing to the mother.
Post # 12
No we aren’t quite equal, I am more stubborn and have more ‘control’ in decision making things, when it comes to buying stuff for our future home I have more say. As for income at the moment he is the only one with a job at the moment. And in future I will have more earning potential. But we are mostly happy with how things are, although I would like to be earning money as well!
Post # 13
@MrsYoshida: Glad I’m not the only one! I defer to my FH for a lot of the decision making also, especially when it’s things that don’t really matter. Even with things that do matter, he has better decision making skills than I do and I know he’s looking out for my best interest, so I don’t mind letting him handle it. We talk it through, but generally he’s the one with the final say.
I think the key component here is that it’s my choice to let him be the leader in our relationship, and not something that I’ve ever felt was forced on me.
Post # 14
Fairly equal I’d say.
There are times where something might rest more on one than the other. My SO and I have very similar personalities though when it comes to relationships. We’re both very intense givers. I’d say we are both 85% give and 15% take. Our philosophy is that we want to give everything(and more) we have to the person we love, but if we are going to they need to do the same and its expected.
Its not a perfect system or anything and we both have our hard times, stubborn fits or selfish moments. There are times where one has more control/say in the situation and its not as equal as well. It all irons out in the end though.
Were a mix of traditional and more liberal roles at the same time too, so eclectic I guess? Lol.
Post # 15
@mepayne: I think the key component here is that it’s my choice to let him be the leader in our relationship, and not something that I’ve ever felt was forced on me.
That is a really, REALLY excellent point.
Post # 16
We treat each other as equals, but we both have qualities that are better than the other.
I currently make less money than FI, he has a much more physically demanding job than I do. When we first got together, it was the complete opposite.
However, we have never treated each other differantly.
When it comes to house work.. I do WAY more than him. He hardly touches a dish or laundry, once in awhile. So we are not equal on that!
I do most of the decision making when it comes to spending money, cooking meals and what not.
Bigger things we discuss as equals.