Spinoff: Do you Fight/Argue With your SO?

posted 5 months ago in Relationships
  • poll: Do you fight with your SO?
    No, we never fight about anything. : (18 votes)
    11 %
    We’ve had a couple of fights, but usually we go months/years without fighting. : (77 votes)
    49 %
    We fight pretty regularly (at least once a month). : (49 votes)
    31 %
    We fight frequently (at least once a week or once every few days). : (13 votes)
    8 %
  • Post # 2
    2486 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: May 2017

    We have been together ten years (today, actually) and I can count the number of times we have had a disagreement on one hand. I wouldn’t even call them fights. They were issues that needed to be settled that involved a lot of feelings.

    We don’t bicker. Or have arguments about mundane things. That would drive me nuts. 

    We actively support the other and work to communicate well enough that we are understood. And our viewpoints align on pretty much everything, so there’s no fundamental differences between us. 

    The biggest issue we faced that continued on for years was my selfishness when it came to food. I was really bad at sharing food and it hurt his feelings that I wouldn’t want to share my delicious food with the person I love the most. 

    Post # 4
    3504 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: March 2017

    I wouldn’t call what we do “fighting” and we don’t bicker. We probably disagree about something twice a year which is pretty good considering we are parents to a toddler. We normally just talk it out and compromise. I can’t remember the last time it happened.

    Post # 5
    382 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: May 2016

    Not ever having conflict isn’t healthy in a relationship. John Gottman is a very well respected marriage expert, and he has this to say: https://www.gottman.com/blog/relationships-not-arguing-means-youre-not-communicating/. Of course every couple is different, but I hate the couples that pull out a superior sounding, “Oh, we never fight.” 🙄 People are going to disagree and have conflict. There will never be a point where another human being and I agree on everything.

    Darling Husband and I are like you. Mundane little arguments that blow over in a matter of minutes fairly regularly, and a true fight a couple time a year. We are also a blended family, and I’ve yet to hear a blended family couple that could honestly say they never fight! There’s just so much to fight about!! 😂

    Post # 6
    210 posts
    Helper bee

    I read somewhere that the frequency of arguments has no real bearing on the quality of the relationship, and it’s much more about how you argue. (Edit – as mentioned by a PP above.)

    I agree with that – I was in a relationship where we never argued or disagreed, but we still had serious issues,  they just weren’t addressed. FH and I are both hot-headed, stubborn and passionate, so we do butt heads semi-regularly. It can’t be avoided but we always try and diffuse things and make up quickly.

    Post # 7
    9337 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: November 2010

    emmalicious :  

    Yeah, I have my doubts about couples who “never fight”.  There’s generally a lot of passive aggressive stuff going on and other unhealthy mechanisms for expressing anger indirectly.  

    You just can’t have a close bond and share your life with another human being without some friction.  It’s normal, it’s healthy, and it’s inevitable.  Inevitable, because you’re not the same person.

    This has been a tough slog with Dh.  He hates anger and expressions thereof.  He’s afraid of it.  He’s especially uncomfortable with female anger.  Which is interesting, since he has chosen to be married to someone whose role in life is Happy Warrior.  He doesn’t think such a thing can exist, because all anger is bad.

    We’ve talked about incidents in the news and locally in which an innocent is hurt or killed by someone’s recklessness or criminality.  He can easily tap into his sadness.  He just becoming aware of the anger that normal people feel over these kinds of injustices.  Righteous anger, there’s the positive anger he swore doesn’t exist.  Of course it does.  Anger can galvanize you when you need it most.

    Post # 8
    382 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: May 2016

    teacher-bee-in-the-sea :  That’s funny about the food. Darling Husband has said the same thing about me. He is a “hey, let’s split a plate” kind of person, and I am not. When we do split something, apparently I keep pretty close track of who is eating what. Oops! I try to be aware of it but it’s a process.

    Post # 9
    382 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: May 2016

    hispanicimpressions :  Yes! The way you fight is the most important. Darling Husband and I usually fight well. We are both good about not rejecting what Gottman would call a “repair strategy” to ease tensions in a fight. We don’t fight fair 100%, we’ve each taken a low blow here and there, but overall it’s healthy fighting.

    Post # 10
    4321 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: October 2017

    We can get on each other’s nerves and snip at each other but we don’t usually fight. I’m really easy going and my husband hates conflict. If he’s getting angry I back off for a bit. I try to stay aware of how he hates conflict so I keep that in mind if there’s a touchy subject.

    Post # 11
    645 posts
    Busy bee

    oops. Double post

    Post # 12
    645 posts
    Busy bee

    We bicker and haven disagreements often, like every week. But no hard feelings it’s just kinda how we talk around issues. 

    What is an actual fight, not talking for a few hours sort of thing? Maybe once a year.

    We’ve been together 7 years.

    Post # 13
    71 posts
    Worker bee

    Big fights are very rare for us but we definitely do getting into smaller disagreements more often. These are usually resolved on the spot with no lingering tension though.

    We argued more earlier on in our relationship when we were younger and less mature. I would sometimes get in a ~mood~ for an extended period of time (a few weeks) and I would start arguments over the smallest things. Fortunately I seem to have grown out of that!

    Post # 14
    219 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: November 2018

    We are both fairly argumentative people, so arguing =/= fighting to me. We argue for fun. We argue over shit neither of us care about. It’s just nice to get to know your partner’s opinion on things, y’know?

    We do not fight, as in yell at each other and be actually angry at each other, very often at all. And I think that’s because we argue so much. We are talking all the time, there’s no room for grudges because they can be brought up whenever, we’re not afraid of confronting each other. So like, not wanting to watch the same tv show never becomes “you never think about what I want like last year when you did this this and that, and before that like six years ago you did this thing-” 

    Keeping all those tabs sounds exhausting to me

    Post # 15
    546 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: October 2018

    We’ve been together for almost 4 years and we haven’t had any big fights. When we first started dating we immediately talked about the big topics: politics, religion, kids, marriage, plans for the future. We’re pretty compatible in all those areas, so that makes life easy. 

    That doesn’t mean we have no arguments but we both are keen to talk things through and never let the sun set on our anger. We usually manage to calmly discuss if we disagree on stuff.

    Of course, I don’t know how this will change once we have kids – I foresee some trouble there since I make more money than he does, so he’ll either have to find a better paid job (which he claims will be easy because of his qualifications) or massively cut back on hours and let me be the main provider. Neither of us has a problem with that per se but he loves what he does so he might change his mind there and he’s also a little too relaxed about tidiness and cleanliness, which both would fall to him if he became a stay-at-home-dad. We shall see 😉

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