Spinoff: Do you Fight/Argue With your SO?

posted 1 year ago in Relationships
  • poll: Do you fight with your SO?
    No, we never fight about anything. : (18 votes)
    11 %
    We’ve had a couple of fights, but usually we go months/years without fighting. : (77 votes)
    49 %
    We fight pretty regularly (at least once a month). : (49 votes)
    31 %
    We fight frequently (at least once a week or once every few days). : (13 votes)
    8 %
  • Post # 46
    Member
    6167 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: September 2016

    My husband and I are both strong willed, forceful people and we do not always see eye to eye on matters. We have what I think of as “power struggle debates” where we both have strong thoughts or views on matters but they aren’t the same so we go back and forth- debating to see who gets the upper hand. These usually aren’t over major life topics so I enjoy them.

    Over the course of the last decade +, we’ve learned and implemented some good communication skills that help us move through disagreements much more quickly AND we also are better able to agree to disagree. With major life topics, we both learned to be more considerate and respectful in how we interact and reaching that place has been a success for both of us, imo.

    Also, though, my husband has ADHD and an aspect of that includes challenges with social awareness so sometimes our conflicts relate to him not being focused on the impact of his behaviors on those around him and my annoyance (or anger) as a result. Now that I know he doesn’t do those things to be harmful, it’s more social clumsiness, I’m better about how I bring that to his attention, but those exchanges were really hard for me early in our relationship.

    Post # 47
    Member
    210 posts
    Helper bee

    My fiancé and I bicker often, I am an aspiring lawyer and he is just stubborn. However, actually raising our voices and having hard feelings? Maybe once a year. We have been together five years. He has never cussed at me though, no mater how angry.

    Post # 48
    Member
    178 posts
    Blushing bee

    MY partner and I bicker and have disagreements every now and then. I can count the number of times we have had a full blown argument on 1 hand. The last time that happened was about 18 months ago. We never swear at each other either.  I don’t believe couples that say they never argue. 

    we have been together nearly 6 years. 

    Post # 49
    Member
    9821 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: City, State

    We’ve had arguments (resolved within an hour) and bicker occasionally but never had what I would consider a flat out fight. 

    Post # 50
    Member
    2509 posts
    Sugar bee

    We disagree/bicker/annoy each other occasionally, and I agree that some degree of disagreeing/arguing is healthy and normal. Almost all of our bickering is over trivial stuff, though. For example, today we bickered over which restaurant to go to for lunch because I was annoyed he didn’t want to go to the places I suggested even though I compromised on a restaurant I didn’t particularly want to go to yesterday. It was a dumb little thing, but in the moment I was irked. It was resolved within a few minutes, and we talked it out and settled on a restaurant we were both happy with. No big deal. 

    We’ve never really had a major “fight.” We have thankfully agreed on all the big major things so far, so there hasn’t been a serious topic we’ve argued over. That said, we don’t have kids yet and our lives have been relatively easy in the time we’ve been together (both in stressful jobs/grad school but otherwise no big financial hardships, deaths, etc.). So I imagine that we may have those fights at some point in our lives, but we have been pretty lucky so far to not have anything major to argue about. In prior relationships, generally if I found that I was having major disagreements about big life things on a regular basis, that was my cue that there was serious incompatibility and I moved on. And ideally whenever I found that there was a major incompatibility with an ex, I moved on before it even got to the fighting stage. 

    I think regarding your question, how you define a “fight” also makes a big difference. I grew up in a home where the fights I saw adults having were all out screaming matches with what, in retrospect, I recognize as verbal abuse with tons of obscenities and degrading language. Heck, even some physical abuse (shoving, physical intimidation). I hated being around that as a kid and have never had that kind of a fight in my adult relationships. I almost never shout and would not tolerate being shouted at. I similarly would not tolerate and would not expect my partner to tolerate being called names or otherwise verbally degraded. I think arguing and being annoyed with each other is normal and fine, but I draw the line at disrespectful behavior.

     

    Post # 52
    Member
    3393 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: January 2021

    We get annoyed or frustrated with each other sometimes, but honestly we never really fight. We talk about what’s upsetting or pissing us off and move on. Three and a half years together and the only time one of us has ever raised their voice at the other was one time when I was driving downtown and got turned around and all flustered and he tried to correct me on something and I told him to fuck off. I apologized immediately lol

    Post # 53
    Member
    747 posts
    Busy bee

    emmalicious :  I feel like it depends on how people define fighting/arguing.

    We fight–as in we disagree (sometimes heatedly) and talk things out. 

    If you never or very rarely disagree with your partner then that’s strange IMO. 

    Post # 54
    Member
    1170 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: March 2011

    Ex-DH and I fought all the time with yelling and name calling. Current Darling Husband and I never fight and we’ve been married 7 years.  I think we’re older and smarter now. 

    Post # 55
    Member
    3560 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: June 2017

    emmalicious :  we fight pretty regularly – but we are in a very healthy, happy relationship. I heard once that a healthy relationship isn’t isn’t measured by how often you fight, but by how productive your fights are. Darling Husband and i rarely fight in a “bad” way. We are not hurtful, or sarcastic, and almost always our fights end with us getting to a better place and understanding in our relationship – they are productive fights. And productive fighting is a sign that both members of a relationship are open and communicative and not secure enough to voice what might lead to disagreement without fearing of a serious rift. While not all couples are the same, i always think it’s a bit weird and red-flaggy when i hear people say they never fight with their SO. 

    Post # 56
    Member
    4532 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: November 1999

    teacher-bee-in-the-sea :  don’t worry! My husband  once jokingly lamented the fact that he thought being in a relationship meant he’d get to finish the food on his girlfriends plate at a restaurant. I was like NOPE! I didn’t false advertise. I then asked him jokingly if i physically look like the kind of girl that leaves food on a plate because she’s too full to finish it!! 😂😂😂

    Post # 57
    Member
    1556 posts
    Bumble bee

    I’ve been with my husband for 10+ years, currently expecting our second child, and we’ve never had what I would class as a fight. We’ve certainly never raised our voices. Do we agree on everything? No. But we can talk things through without it escalating into an argument. We always strive to be supportive and understanding of each other’s position, I really don’t feel like there’s any actual conflict.

    On a very, very rare occasion one of us might snap at the other, but it’s always followed up very swiftly with an apology and a “sorry, what I should have said was X”. No hard feelings. Nothing bottled up. We’re completely open and honest and able to communicate with each other. Why argue when we can just have an adult conversation?

    It genuinely seems far healthier and happier than our friends we know that do fight and argue. 

    Post # 58
    Member
    752 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: City, State

    My fiancé and I have had maybe two massive blow outs in 5 years. We bicker sometimes and I can boil over about things too. 

    His parents reckon in 55 years together they’ve never had an argument or even a disagreement. His mom proudly told me this not long after we got together. But when you watch their dynamic you can see plenty of quiet resentment between them. His dad will decide they are doing something he wants to do, his mom will want a quiet day in but she will go along anyway. She will buy something they don’t have space for because she just likes it. He instead of speaking up just sighs and puts it in the car. There’s so much resentment because they just don’t communicate their differences that I’d hate to end up like that. It’s made my fiancé a poor communicator which we are slowly working on. 

    Post # 59
    Member
    705 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: February 2018 - UK

    We’ve been together 6 years and we’ve only had one argument, and that only lasted about an hour. 

    In all my previous relationships I’ve had blazing rows, and that was fine and totally normal, it just doesn’t seem to happen in this relationship. We generally agree on most of the big issues, so that helps. Though we may think differently about small things, they’re not worth conflicts. No kids either, I have no doubt things would change if we had them! People have told us it’s odd that we don’t argue, and I’ve actually thought that myself at times too.

    Like others have said, I don’t think the number of arguments says anything about the quality of the relationship. My best friend and her husband argue far more than we do, but they’ve been together about 11 years and have a great relationship. 

    Post # 60
    Member
    1965 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: April 2018

    We do argue at times and I’m super defensive.  Never anything at all serious though. Nothing lasts. I can’t stay angry at him more than 10 minutes. 

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