Post # 61
KittyYogi : I felt the same way about couples who say they don’t fight, the air of smugness and I felt they were all lying liars LOL. Now I’m on the other side of the fence. I don’t try to proclaim it too much but I think sometimes its not in the best interest to normalize arguments/fighting/bickering, whatever people call it.
I think the essential things in our relationships is that we agree on fundamental things like children, religion, politics, finances, morals. We are open about a lot of things, and we don’t hide anything so there’s no resentment, no games, no guessing, no anger, no sulking, no mind-reading.
We might disagree on superficial/side things like whether to put milk or water in scrambled eggs, or which bike route is best/safest to take us through downtown. Google makes excellent tiebreaker. Or if I dislike something I will just tell him. He does the same. We accomodate within reasonable tolerance. He snores too loud, so he would at first wait and let me fall asleep first and later he bought me ear plugs. That’s the worst of our disagreements LOL.
Post # 62
We don’t really fight. I think we’ve had one in the 4 years we have been together. We talk out issues when they come up, or we take a step back when we know we are cranky and in a bad mood that has nothing to do with each other.
We play fight a little. He hates the way I pile up the sink, so he’ll point at it and in this voice we make at each other will go “what the fuck is this?!” and I do the same when he can’t find something that is RIGHT IN FRONT OF HIM! It breaks any tension we might have and makes the other laugh. We’re just naturally good at talking to each other and resolving issues pretty fast.
Post # 63
With my ex we never fought, but it was because I felt like I had to keep everything inside to avoid upsetting him. Not healthy.
With my husband, we don’t fight either, but we do communicate. We bicker, but most of it is light hearted and joking, rather than actually arguing. We’ve snapped at each other or gotten frustrated or short with each other (whether it’s actually an issue with the other or just frustrated about something else). But I can’t think of a time when we’ve yelled back and forth at each other, which is what I would consider a “fight”. Nobody’s ever had to leave to cool down and nobody has ever slept on the couch. The worst that has happened is that someone pouts for bit and then gets over it. I think it’s because neither of us are all that concerned with being “right”. My parents fight all the time and I think a lot of it stems from neither of them being able to give up being “right”, so they keep arguing and then argue about how the person acted when they were arguing and how the other can’t ever admit when they’re wrong.
Post # 64
We get on each others nerves and bicker, sure. We’re two different people who don’t always agree on things, but we never have yelling ‘fights’ either. Most the time it’s just snapping at each other, cooling off, and compromising, apologizing, or just letting go of the whole thing afterward. This only happens a few times a year.
I think people who don’t ever disagree on anything is not normal or healthy (a lot of times one of the partners just doesn’t voice opposition), but couples that bicker and fight frequently are glamorized a bit (like The Notebook).
Post # 65
jayquellen : think people who don’t ever disagree on anything is not normal or healthy (a lot of times one of the partners just doesn’t voice opposition)
I agree that finding someone who don’t disagree on anything is not normal but I’d argue that it isn’t unhealthy. Its unusual to find someone so agreeable.
What you’re describing is a couple that DO disagree but DO NOT voice their disagreements. This is common and unhealthy.
That is not the same as a couple that DO NOT disagree (while unusual, there are couples like this that exist).
I’ve only ever been in one relationship where my partner is very agreeable on majority of everything, and the small things we disagree on are not bicker-worthy (eg he makes box pancakes, I think its silly since pancakes are so easy to make from scratch and healthier – we disagree but agreed that whoever makes pancakes decides his/her way).
Post # 66
We have a big fight a few times a year but we always use it to better understand each other. We never fight and storm off to our own corners no matter how much we want to – we always talk it out and figure out why the fight happened, what we’re both really feeling, and what the fight taught us.
Bickering happens more often but it blows over quickly and usually happens when we’re tired or hungry.
Post # 67
Disagreeing and arguing don’t have to be related. You can disagree on something and then come up with a compromise that works for both of you. SO and I disagree on some things, but it doesn’t escalate into an argument.
Post # 68
Only a couple of “fights” in 13 years. We do disagree on things but we’re able to talk through them. My husband is incredibly patient and it’s hard to get him worked up, which is what I credit our lack of fighting to. Even when I’m upset, he has an amazing ability to stay calm and de-escalate.
I’ve spent a lot of time around couples who bicker/fight regularly. I do wonder if those people actually like that type of dynamic. It wouldn’t work for me, but I feel like having a relationship free of arguments might be boring for others, so I’ve stopped judging.
Post # 69
Honestly we don’t fight. We just don’t. We both are very open to each other’s feelings and thoughts on things and I think we are both good listeners. Sure, we get annoyed with each other. But I can count on one hand the number of times we’ve bickered. I honestly don’t think we’ve ever actually had a fight though. We’ve never had to raise our voices to each other or anything either.
My way of “fighting” is to quietly retreat and just relax and then I kind of forget and move on. I think I’ve only done that once and then we talked after.
My mom is also a major screamer so growing up my mom would yell at my dad for stupid little things. I think seeing that I realized how dumb blowing the little things up really looks like. With that being said, my parents have been married for almost 30 years so it works for them!
I think it’s one of those things that totally has to do with people’s personalities and how they handle conflict/stress.
Post # 70
we do fight both over something small and big. but we managed to talk it out and forgive each other before it gets awkward
Post # 71
I am super unsure about what to choose in your poll. We had a time, around when I did my internship for college and then when I wrote my bachelor’s thesis, where we fought a lot. Now, we don’t even bicker anymore. I think a lot of it had to do with stress and uncertainty on my part. It certainly put a lot of pressure on our relationship.
Generally I am a very passionate, hot-tempered person and in my family things are discussed and talked about and, yes, sometimes we get heated, but we always reconcile after. SO’s family, they do not touch anything that could end up being negative. They silence it to death for the sake of harmony. So he learned that if you want to have a happy relationship, you do not talk about worries or things that bother you ever and instead you deal with them by yourself. Usually when we end up fighting, with yelling and screaming and crying, it’s because I want to discuss things and talk them through and he simply will not aknowledge any of it and cross his arms and literally turn his head and look away from me to “ignore” me. It drives me nuts!
We have talked about communcating and speaking about feelings and worries, but it is very hard for him. It takes a lot of prying and me repeatedly asking the same question in different forms, for me to get an answer out of him about his feelings.
He is a very quiet, reserved person and I am a pile of big emotions and it caused a lot of friction at some point. He had also never been around anyone like me, so at first scared him to death that I like to argue (not fight!) about topics I am passionate about, like politics and philosophy.
Post # 72
We squabble all the time. It can get pretty silly sometimes and I won’t be able to keep a straight face.
There have not been a lot of extreme blow outs. The last one was pretty bad, I had just hit the end of my tether. It took me well over 24 hours too cool down enough to even talk to him.
It was worse awhile back, Dh was irritable, snappy, and loud. He started yelling, which was way out of character. It sure made me think of an agitated depression. Men are more prone to that than women. He went to the doctor willingly and got put on Lexapto. It’s actually normal for serotonin levels to drop as we age.
It’s been a huge improvement. Dh is back to acting like himself again. He was never someone who yelled. That was triggering for me. But, that’s much better now, he’s back to his usual even keel.
Post # 73
We don’t exactly “fight” but we run into issues or misunderstands. I withdraw a little and then eventually spill it. We discuss it and come to a compromise or a clarification. We don’t yell or act pissy with each other. Well once in the last 19 months that I can remember. It’s pretty low conflict, but he’s moving in next month so we’ll see.
Post # 74
we don’t fight much, but it happens sometimes. Lately especially.. just with him trying to learn to set boundaries with his mom and both of us kind of on edge with how far he has to go vs. the fact baby will be here in 3 months now (but 7 months when we started).
It’s still infrequent but really before i got pregnant (so 6 yrs) we hadn’t fought at all, and now we’ve had one or two fights.. we don’t really raise our voices, but they definitely aren’t just “discussions”–they’re circular and they end with both of us angry and quiet for a few hours. So far after a day or two he’s been calm enough to hear me explain to him where I was coming from, and I’ve had enough time to figure out where I triggered his defenses to go up so much and talk that out with him/acknowledge it.