- Running Elley
- 10 years ago
- Wedding: June 2011
Of course this answer should vary situation by situation.
But JUST going off the question, I say its wrong.
My mom did this when we found out about my dad’s serious drug/alcohol problems; she started acting “financially independent”, esp. being the bread winner. So yes, in a case like this, I do understand since the “user’s” problem will effect the entire family in the long run.
But to me having gone what you have, are you going into this relationship with the same “fears, worries and concerns?”
Again, if he knows about it, its not a secret and thats a personal decision if you two decide to keep savings separate or together.
If he does not know about it, well thats a secret and deceiving in my eyes; esp. if you have a great man you can trust. Because my Fiance would sure notice, even $20 a pay day going “somewhere else.”
Again, just my opinion! =)
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with keeping an individual emergency fund, but disagree with hiding it from one’s spouse.
FWIW: My parents would help me in a heartbeat, but I would hate, hate, hate asking them for financial assistance, no matter how dire the situation. If that applies to you, better to have a separate account than risk staying in a bad relationship or suffering needlessly.
I am completely on board and understanding of a secret or separate account for your own safety net just in case, even though I don’t have one. I dont think its lack of trust, but just a.. you never freaking know! The safety net of falling back on family and friends is a good one to have, but why discount the idea of having some money siphoned off to the side yourself so that you’re not completely left with *nothing* and let him take it all?
And I want to say it’s not about not trusting your partner. It’s about being able to take care of yourself if shit hits the fan. Your parents aren’t going to be there to help you forever. They could die tomorrow and leave you with nothing but bills. Like I said, my dad always says it’s good for a woman to have a back up plan.
I trust Mr. Tattoo, but I know in life nothing is promised. You aren’t promised a long lasting marriage. You aren’t promised love forever. You aren’t promised that no matter what, you will remain married. The current divorce rate supports that. I’m not saying everyone should go open their own account, but it worked for me. And Mr. Tattoo turns out to be a schizo asshole and cleans out our account and leaves me with nothing, I will be able to get by on my own with no help from my mom or friends.
A year later we moved in together. Things were still shaky. All of this time I never told him about the account. We only opened a joint account to pay our bills. AFTER he proposed, I added his name on to the other savings accounts I had. I still didn’t tell him about the other account. I don’t know. Something inside me said not to. It wasn’t a smart plan. 6 months after we were engaged, he dropped me off at work, kissed me goodbye, told me he loved me, and that he would see me for dinner. He took my daughter to daycare and then came home to trash the place and take what he could.
I only found out because he after he did all of this, he picked up my daughter and took her to my moms and told her everything. My mom called me in a panic telling me that he just dropped off my daughter and that he was leaving. The same time she called me, he called me and broke up with me over voicemail. As soon as I got that voicemail, I logged into our accounts online to find them all at $0.
I remember, it was the end of the month because I said that I would be able to pay rent with my paycheck, but I didn’t know how I would get to work. After crying for like 12 hours, logic took over and was like “Hey crazy! You have your other account still!” And that’s how I was able to get a car the next day and keep my daughter in daycare.
No one knows anyone 100%. I don’t believe that. There could be 1% fucked up asshole and he may decide to wake up one day and take over. Something later in life may happen and he may start using drugs. He may become abusive. You never know. Everyone should have a plan B. That’s just me. I’ve seen way too many friends that are SAHM’s that didn’t have a plan b when they were divorced. Especially those who signed pre-nups and basically didn’t get shit when he split.
My dad left my mom suddenly by changing the locks/emptying out their joint accounts one afternoon when she was out shopping with my aunt. She had been a stay-at-home mom for 18 years without so much as an electric bill in her name. She was basically f**cked. Had she done this – she would have had resources to get herself into an apartment, get utilities turned on, get a car/insurance in her own name.
Have a healthy relationship, of course (!!) but a girl has to have her own back first and foremost.
I agree with crayfish, having another account–secret or not–is the smartest thing anyone can do for themselves. Fiance and I have a joint account, and I have a separate account that both my mom and myself can access. I think that it’s an individual choice as to whether it’s secret from the other person in the relationship, because you truly never know what is going to happen. Fiance has one as well, because I could always turn out to be the crazy one.
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