Post # 31
If I’m not fussed either way then I’ll see how it goes and be up for it. sometimes once you start the mood follows but if after a bit of intimacy it’s not happening then I wouldn’t force it.
If im obviously not in the mood then there’s no way I’d have sex just to please my Darling Husband.
Post # 32
Two of the key issues are:
1. Does it make you feel violated?
2. Is it causing resentment?
If not, whatever works for you may be fine.
Post # 33
Eh. My bc has killed my sex drive so I rarely want or initiate sex. However, I never say no because I always get into it and am glad I said yes by the end.
Post # 34
for example last night I wasn’t in the mood and hubby clearly was.. and I thought about saying no but then figured ”eh, why not.. we don’t have much time for sex nowadays with a baby anyway.., so we should use the time while we have it :D”.. by the end I was very much in the mood and glad I said yes..
Post # 35
Yes. Generally it just means my body isn’t ‘prepared’ for it. So lube is a must. I don’t like sex in the shower so my body auto shuts off for that and it can hurt for me. Sometimes I have things going on health wise that makes me feel less interested. Sometimes like others I’m tired and SO has opposite work schedule most nights compared to earlier in relationship. But my SO likes it in the shower so on occasion we do. Im sure we’ve had sex during times he hasnt really wanted to but he knew I did. It’s not really a big deal to me as he doesn’t force it (if I say no it’s no). Sometimes, I may also not be into it at first but then get into it once we’ve started. Even if I can’t get into it during, I like the feeling of just being close with him so it is what it is sometimes. I also know he does things I enjoy that he may not necessarily haha so it’s good.
Post # 36
babygrandmabee: Have him make you come first so you will be wet.
Post # 37
babygrandmabee: I hope the person who abused you is rotting in jail. It is never too late to file charges.
Post # 38
babygrandmabee: intimacy is being held close and feeling truly safe. There is no background static, no danger alarms going off, no hyper vigilant observations constantly scanning for threats.
it’s been a long progression, but first I established boundaries (only my hands down there b/c a penis can’t scratch or pinch or yank). Then I regained a sense of control, like I could say stop or let’s try a different position. Now I’m trying to let go of the need to control and relax into the knowing that he will be consistent with boundaries.
i also view sex as a team sport like tennis or canoeing. Just a game we play together. And since I seem to be such a public right of way, no big deal down there. What is private to me is my home address, my personal space when out shopping, who I allow into my awesome, fabulous, dynamic life.
Post # 39
youngbrokebride: Thanks for your reply. I am thinking that I have some unresolved issues from my past, and issues in my current relationship that i need to work through. Unfortunately, I am not seeing anyone as we are both unemployed so paying for therapy is on the waaay back burner.
The more I am reading these, the more I realize how many issues are related to intmacy for me. I have a lot of things I need to work on. Thanks for all the replies bees.
Post # 40
fluffybiscuit: Charges were filed 25 years ago. He spent some time in prison, not enough in my opinion. I actually still have a relationship with him as it was my father. Strained relationship but still. I wish I had been strong enough years ago to cut him out of my life completely, but I relied on his financial help so that never happened. We don’t talk about the abuse anymore, and I really don’t talk to him or my mom all that often. My life has been strange. I was adopted at birth as well and then went on to be abused by my adopted father for six years. Its no wonder I have so many issues, really.
Sorry, this turned into a vent, instead of a reply. Thanks for posting.
AlpineSky: i like that you said intimacy is feeling truly safe. I’m honestly not really sure if I’ve ever felt that. Even with my husband, we’ve never been financially safe, and all the burden of that is on meto figure out, at least that’s how I feel. Thanks for shining some light on that for me.
Post # 41
Yes I do. Actually right now my husband could probably say the same since we are TTC. There are days where neither of us is in the mood but we have to because I’m ovulating. It takes a bit long to get into it but usually by the time we finish we are both happy that we did and we didn’t miss out on the chance.
On random days that he is the one that wants to, I will just go with it unless there is some kind of physical illness.
babygrandmabee: I am so sorry that happened to you.
Post # 42
AlpineSky: omg I’m so sorry. I don’t know how you’re able to have sex at all! I wouldn’t be able to. Did you go through counceling for yourself to help you heal? I’m sorry to comment.
Post # 43
Yes. Mostly because sometimes I can get in the mood (though I never orgasm during sex) by starting, but also since I was sexually abused as a child I want it way less than other people — like Kelly said on the first page, I just experience intimacy in other ways. My SO would never, ever pressure me, which is good — I trust him deeply and so it’s easier to have sex with him than it was with past SOs — but I think he’d still be hurt if I didn’t have sex with him as often as I do. And we’ve got lube, so.
Post # 44
I was also sexually abused and I have no problem with being intimate with my husband when I don’t feel like it. My body still becomes arousedl because I have responsive desire like many women; once my husband starts caressing me I find myself getting excited. I also realize that I am not being forced. I am actively choosing to compromise and have sex with my husband. We agree that we should be available to each other when it comes to enjoying sex. We hardly say no to each other. Our sex drives are very similar so this helps immensely.
I hope that you have received some counseling to help deal with the abuse you suffered. I rarely have flashbacks but when they do happen, my husband will stop immediately and hold me until I feel better again. Therapy, reading books about sexual abuse and being open with my husband about my triggers have helped me heal. I hope you can find peace.