(Closed) SPINOFF: Do you have sex with your SO when you don't want to?

posted 5 years ago in Intimacy
Post # 61
Member
5867 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

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babygrandmabee:  Hmm…I wouldn’t exactly say that I have sex when I don’t want to…more than I make an effort to get in the mood when he initiates.  Sometimes he’ll initiate when it wasn’t really on my mind and I’ll go along with making out or whatever, and I find that within a short period of time I’m totally into it.

If I really don’t want to (like I’m running late for work or am about to fall asleep) then I’ll just tell him to take a rain check.  It’s not a big deal and it doesn’t happen all the time.

Post # 62
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5867 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

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AlpineSky:  Not to thread jack…but WTH?  There is no foreplay?  What?  Why?  How?  And if you don’t have sex every day there are fights?

Yikes.  You’ve been through some terrible trauma.  Are you sure you are in a healthy place with sex now?  That doesn’t sound normal to me.

Post # 63
Member
198 posts
Blushing bee

My heart goes out to all of you bees who have histories of abuse, who are still abused, and who struggle with sex and intimacy as a result. I hope you can find peace and healing.

I never have sex with my partner if I’m not in the mood. We all experience arousal in different ways, sometimes I’m ready to go before we initate anything, and other times I need a little more physical contact to get there, but if it just isn’t happening, I’ll please him in other ways and still enjoy doing so.

Post # 64
Member
197 posts
Blushing bee

I do because IDK I feel like it’s not always about me. Once we get going I typically get in the mood easily, but if not there is always lube. I like to keep him happy, so seeing him happy makes me happy.

Post # 65
Member
1882 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

Sometimes he is in the mood and I’m sorta meh. I let him get me started and I end up getting into it 99% of the time. 🙂 If I’m really REALLY not in the mood, I just tell him and he understands. 

Post # 66
Member
11 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: November 2017

Well, we both accommodate each other…however, he is understanding and always tell me he will understand when I am not in the mood. I on the other hand (when he is not in the mood mainly due to stress, tired) let it go and he always make up for it. But no one gets forced

Post # 67
Member
569 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2017

Nope. That being said, I usually do want to… 

Post # 68
Member
230 posts
Helper bee

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Daizy914:  A husband/wife shouldn’t feel rejected if their advances are turned down unless it’s all the time and for no obvious reason.

Husbands who complain of rejection when they don’t get their way all the time are emotionally manipulative/coercive weanies.

Post # 69
Member
13 posts
Newbee

Nope! If I’m not in the mood then we don’t do it. My birth control completely destroyed my sex drive, so thats been really tough. I also have some really weird sensory issues where foreplay just really irritates me and I like get pissed off. LOL 

I try really hard for him because he wants to, but sometimes I just cant! 

Post # 70
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6516 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2013

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southerncharm:  you have a good point, he isn’t a weanie lol, i’ve told him this before and he just eyerolls and laughs and tells me that i am being silly and that he wouldn’t want to have sex if i am not in the mood bc then its a turn off.

funny thing is i actually turned him down this past Sunday bc our ACs werent installed yet and it was way too humid to have bodies touching!

Post # 71
Member
1146 posts
Bumble bee

Yes and no?

We sort of know how to get each other in the mood even when one of us is tired and doesn’t feel like it, so I guess things work out. I like it first thing in the morning and he prefers before bed. So we compromise… Or sometimes we’ll do both. 😉

Post # 72
Member
2097 posts
Buzzing bee

sometimes. It’s like working out… sometimes I don’t want to but I know it’s good for me/us. I can get lazy about sex when I go through a prolonged “not in the mood” phase and I don’t want my husband to suffer or our intimacy. Sex is really important to keeping a relationship healthy so just like I have to drag my ass to go work out sometimes I have to do that for this. And in both cases, I feel great when it’s done and I’m so glad I did it! 😛 

Post # 73
Member
2332 posts
Buzzing bee

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babygrandmabee:  This is a really great question! I’ll start by saying that I, too, experienced YEARS of sexual abuse. Age 4 – 13, to be exact. It took me a LONG time to find a healthy/balanced way to approach sex. I didn’t have consensual sex/lose my virginity until I was 22. 

Having said that, I am now 31, and think my struggles with sex have actually made me a lot healthier in that area than even a lot of the “normal” girls I grew up with in the south who -though they weren’t abused (that I know of)- all internalized the madonna/whore complex, the puritan ideal of the submissive woman, etc. 

My current bf, luckily we are still in the butterfly stages, so I rarely ever DON’T want to have sex.

But I’ve thought about it and know how I will be when we get to that point. The way I see it, sex is one of the only “socially sanctioned” ways for men to engage in emotionality. I think women are led to believe that sex is purely physical for men and, while that may be true for single men who are still “sowing their wold oats”, I think that sex for men in relationships is actually very much about emotion and intimacy needs.

I think finding a receptive girlfriend/fiance/wife in bed for them is akin to women finding our SO’s receptive when we want to have a looooong talk about our feelings and where things stand in our relationship. And we all know how hard that quality is to find in a man, and how much it’s worth to us when we DO find it.  

I’m not saying I’m going to roll over and just let him “do his business” every old time he wants to. 

First off, I trust my SO to mostly avoid putting me in the situation of having to turn him down if he can tell I’m not feeling well or am stressed, etc. Therefore, if he DOES come to me in a moment when I’m not really feeling it, I can trust that he truly feels a need for me to be there for him in that way – maybe he’s stressed, maybe he feels like there’s distance between us, maybe he hasn’t felt very loved lately because we’ve both been busy and stressed (and NO man is going to come to you and say “Honey, I’m not feeling very lvoed lately – can you imagine??!!? lol) – whatever it is, if he comes to me for that sort of emotional reassurance, I owe it to him to come toward him in some way.

That may be just making out/satisfying him quickly, it  may mean softly apologizing and saying I don’t have it in me at the moment, but reassuring him with touches and cuddling anyways and being extra sweet the next day, it may be me running to the bathroom with my cellphone to “get ready” and quickly watching some porn to mentally get myself into the mood for him — meeting him in his time of need can take many forms – I won’t say I will always put his need before my own and just “let him” have sex, but I will answer him in SOME way that shows I’m there for him and he can trust me. 

I honestly think the disparity between the sexual drives of men and women cause a lot more relationship problems than we are really aware of. Every SINGLE time a woman turns down her husband in an off-hand, kinda cold manner, he feels unloved, like he doesn’t matter to you. Of course, that happening every so often won’t affect the relationship over all. But if it starts happening multiple times a week… for months that tur into years… well, I think resentments start to build up – NOT resentments that the woman won’t have sex, mind you. Resentments that the woman isn’t recognizing the come-ons for sex as the bids for an emotional exchange that they are. We get annoyed: “What does he think I am, his sex slave?!” and so we reject and roll over and fall asleep quickly, and the guy stews: “I just asked her for love and she rolled over and fell asleep.” 

It’s exactly as if you have a boyfriend whom you love in every way except he starts only saying “I Love You, too” back abou thalf the time YOU say it. Then that percentage becomes 20% of the time. Then he pretty much stops saying it back altogether for months on end, and won’t listen when you want to talk about your feelings. Tells you to shut up and then rolls over and falls asleep.

I know a lot of bees will probably feel righteous indignation at my perspective – I want to clarify one last time: I in NO way advocate putting the man’s needs FIRST. We don’t OWE any man sex. But I DO advocate making their needs equal to our own and giving them their due consideration and making some sort of effort to meet them half way rather than just shutting them down. 

I don’t feel that I owe sex to my man, but so long as he continues to be there for me with good listening ears and a non-judmental shoulder to cry on every time I want to talk about my feelings and the relationship, I will continue to be sure I’m making commensurate effort to reciprocate in the sexual realm for him. 

And as a side note: since I LOVE when HE initiates relationship/commitment talk, I go out of my way to initiate sex. if I get home from work before him, and all I want to do is lay down and relax, but he has been incredibly sweet lately, I will go take a shower, do something to get myself in the mood, send him a sexy pic, and then pounce on him as soon as he walks through the door. I want him to feel loved and wanted the same way he makes me feel loved and wanted. And even though I wasn’t “naturally” in the mood at the beginning, his responce to me, seeing that I’m making him happy, PUTS me into the mood and I always wind up enjoying it immensely – it’s a win-win!

Post # 74
Member
2115 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

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babygrandmabee :  yes I do. Always unless I physically don’t feel good. Why? He appreciates it and wants it. Brings us closer and makes us both happier. As far as my body responds. Well i get into it pretty much right away. I compare it to exersice. Some times you really don’t want to do it but once you do, you don’t regret it. In fact you feel great after. 

Post # 75
Member
2115 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

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vintagekitten :  lol I compared it to exersice too! “I regretted working out” said noone ever. I feel the same when having sex with dh. I always feel good after 

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