(Closed) Spinoff: Does FI/Hubby/SO know the real number

posted 4 years ago in Intimacy
  • poll: Does four FI/Hubby/SO know your real number of previous sexual partners?
    He was a true gentleman and never asked. : (110 votes)
    30 %
    Yes, he knows the exact number. : (196 votes)
    54 %
    No, he knows a number close but not the exact number. : (38 votes)
    10 %
    No, he knows a number not even close to my actual number. : (20 votes)
    5 %
  • Post # 46
    Member
    3224 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: May 2015

    Annonnie89:  “What I don’t get is that if you think someone is hot enough for sex, why not have a relationship him?”

    Lol, great point since we all know being “hot enough” is the foundation for any solid relationship. 

    Post # 47
    Member
    526 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: November 2014

    carolinabelle:  I am most certainly not trying to slut shame.  I value sex.  Trust me.  It’s huge for me.  What I don’t value is indiscriminate sex.

    I am a bit older than most of the bees at 36.  Trust me that I’ve been around the block.  What I’ve found is that promiscuous men are awful in bed.  They do not care who or what they bang.  It is a major turn off for me when a man has had what I consider too many partners.  

    I’ve learned this from having had serious relationships with two male sluts and from being in relationships with less “experienced” men.  Numbers don’t make a lover good.  It’s attention to detail and feelings that make him good.

    I’ve also learned from my experience that people who sleep around indiscriminately usually have underlying mental issues.  You are welcome to take what I have to say with a grain of salt.

     

    Post # 48
    Member
    575 posts
    Busy bee

    carolinabelle:  THIS.

    Annonnie89:  I love sex, I place a high value on having it, so I’ve had many partners. All consensual, etc. That doesn’t make my morals better or worse than yours. You don’t view sex the same way that I do. So long as you don’t judge me for my views (and you’re getting a teeeeeensy bit close to judgey by equating many sexual partners with low self esteem), and I don’t judge you for yours, we’re all good!

    Post # 49
    Member
    6834 posts
    Busy Beekeeper
    • Wedding: April 2016

    Fiance doesn’t know and he’s never asked. I’ve never asked him either. We figure that our pasts don’t matter in that way, so why ask? But we were friends first for several years so we each know the other was with at least a few other people. 

    But this number thing can be very tricky. One of my boyfriends in college asked me my number and I was completely honest with him. It was a lot more than him since he had lost his virginity to me. At first he said he was completely fine with my number. But then, a few months later, he admitted that he wasn’t. It turned really bad and whenever we’d fight he’d call me horrible names (it was an awful relationship that I never should have been in). After that I made my own decision to never tell anyone my number. It’s no one’s business really and no matter what it’s never the RIGHT number. So with my next relationship when my Boyfriend or Best Friend asked my number I simply told him that it was none of his business and I wasn’t going to tell him. I said my past makes me who I am today and that’s the person you fell in love with. So that’s all that should matter. He agreed with me and never asked again (we dated for 5 years). 

    Post # 50
    Member
    4698 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: September 2014

    Annonnie89:  Because just because someones hot enough for sex, doesn’t mean they’re relationship material. I’ve had more sex than I’ve had relationships.. Personally, I find a relationship way more intimate than sex (and way more work). Having sex outside of a relationship has nothing to do with low self-esteem.

    Post # 51
    Member
    526 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: November 2014

    stokesto:  you’re lucky.  I don’t see too many good looking people outside of TV:)

    Post # 52
    Member
    526 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: November 2014

    stokesto:  I don’t give a rat’s ass about how many sexual partners you’ve had, but I do care about how many partner’s my SO has had.  I do think   it says a lot about his values.  I want a partner who shares my values.

    The OP asked a question about her situation and I’m presenting a point of view that explains why people care.  I do not care where she’s been or what she’s done, but I can understand why her husband would.  It may not be what others want to hear, but it’s how some people feel.  

    Post # 53
    Member
    267 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: November 2015

    We know each other’s numbers but it is so not a big deal.  I actually cannot even remember either of ours off the top of my head – I have to count.  And not because it’s large (it’s 4, including FI), but because those guys are soooo far in the past and don’t matter at all!  I want to say FI’s number is one higher than mine but I can’t even really remember since it doesnt matter.  We never talk about it.  Actually, FI hid a lot of random stuff from me early in the relationship – really silly things like his fantasy football obsession or the fact that he likes video games – but I know him to his core now.  I have no idea how many ex girlfriends (he didn’t sleep with them all) he has and don’t care!  I know his heart and I know that his values are strong.  If I learned that he had told a fib early in our relationship that just never ended up coming out until now, I would not care in the slightest.  We had a different relationship then.  I care what he does now, and I am very convinced of his strong moral fiber.  Your husband is either being totally unreasonable, or you have given him other reasons not to trust him.  I am glad you are taking this seriously because this seems like a really big issue.

    Post # 54
    Member
    1189 posts
    Bumble bee

    He never asked but it’s a conversation we had. I’m nosy and inquisitive so it was kind of a fun conversation hearing all about his past. 

    Post # 55
    Member
    575 posts
    Busy bee

    Annonnie89:  Fair. If that’s something you place a high value on, then you are well within your rights to want to find an SO who shares that value.

    I will say that to me, it seems OP’s husband is more caught up on the fact that she originally lied than about the actual number. (Although the actual number may well be what he’s actually worried about, we don’t know).

    Post # 56
    Member
    2734 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: September 2015

    I think we know each others. I know we both asked when we started dating (we were young and dumb and didn’t realize how none of our business it really is lol). But Fiance was my first (not my only) and he’d only been with a few before me. We’d broken up a couple times and were both with other people. We talked about it when we got back together (big mistake lol) but he could’ve lied, I don’t care. We have an idea but honestly I don’t know either number off the top of my head.

    Post # 57
    Member
    764 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: October 2017

    He knows my number because he’s my only, I don’t know his number, nor do I really care.

    It wasn’t something we really ever discussed…he didn’t even know I had zero experience prior to him…how, I do not know.

    If you huzzy really wants the deets, just tell him. But if he has a problem with it, that’s all him, not you!

    Post # 58
    Member
    526 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: November 2014

    carolinabelle:  one more thing, you misunderstood me about the hot enough to date thing.  If I don’t like a guy enough to want to date him, why on earth would I let him expose me to disease and pregnancy?  Sorry, but if I don’t want to date a guy that means that  I don’t find him attractive.  

    Perhaps, a better way to have worded it would have been “why have sex with someone you don’t find attractive enough to date?”

    Post # 59
    Member
    14965 posts
    Honey Beekeeper
    • Wedding: June 2011

    He doesnt want to know.

    Post # 60
    Member
    3307 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: November 1999

    NurseShannon:  I’m sorry about your husband’s response to this issue. Your integrity? Your values?? Please. I think your number is far less important than the fact that you felt you had to lie to your husband in order not to upset him. Is he generally so insecure? 

    As I recall I told my husband my number early on in our relationship; I volunteered the information. His number was much higher than mine and we never pursued the subject any further.

    The topic ‘Spinoff: Does FI/Hubby/SO know the real number’ is closed to new replies.

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