(Closed) Spinoff: Does FI/Hubby/SO know the real number

posted 4 years ago in Intimacy
  • poll: Does four FI/Hubby/SO know your real number of previous sexual partners?
    He was a true gentleman and never asked. : (110 votes)
    30 %
    Yes, he knows the exact number. : (196 votes)
    54 %
    No, he knows a number close but not the exact number. : (38 votes)
    10 %
    No, he knows a number not even close to my actual number. : (20 votes)
    5 %
  • Post # 76
    Member
    6490 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: February 1997

    I would never dignify such a question with an answer. Either someone wants to be with me for who I am or they don’t, and I don’t have time for anyone who would choose to evaluate me on something other than the person I am today. Darling Husband never asked, and he has no clue. Nor, by the way, have I ever asked him. As for people saying that they wouldn’t want to be involved with a “manwhore” point taken, but I could tell the kind of man my Darling Husband was when I met him. If he had been the sort to sleep around (and I am quite confident in saying he was not), he certainly was not that type of man when I met him. His current values and integrity mattered to me, not the ones from his past which may or may not have contributed to who he is now.

    My sexual past is none of anyone’s business. I would never look at someone the same way again if they asked me for a number. Indeed, I would probably walk away and never look at them again at all if they did.

    Post # 77
    Member
    3064 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: September 2014

    Daisy_Mae:  I love you, so much this!!!!

    As far as my number, I dont know my hubbys and he doesnt know mine. And i like it that way, hah. But i am a weird case where I have had partners of both sexes so I dont know if the same sex relations count….if so then I am probs higher than my hubbies but I can’t even say for sure. LOL.

    Post # 78
    Member
    264 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: July 2014

    I asked for his body count first (while we were dating) because I like knowing everything about him, regardless of how irrelevant or unimportant it may be. Part of the reason I want to know everything about him is because I want to feel like I know him inside and out, better than anyone else since I do consider us to be soulmates, and another part of me still wants to go on the newlywed show and win a vacation haha. But after I asked for his number (I’m his #3), I told him mine (he’s #2). 

    Post # 79
    Member
    1527 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: March 2016

    I don’t think asking about someone’s sexual past necessarily makes you not a gentleman. Some people are comfortable with those conversations and other people aren’t, it just depends on the dynamics of your relationships. We were good friends before we started dating and he told me his number at some point but I never did. Both of ours are pretty low. I’ve asked him once since we started dating if it was something that mattered and if he had any questions and he said that he’s fine with me knowing about his history but he doesn’t want any details about mine because it’s not something he wants to hear about now that we’re dating. 

    You probably should not have lied and he has a right to be mad about the lie but acting like you’re some sort of hussy now that he knows is the part that seems ridiculous. He should know you well enough by now to know your values and not judge you based on who you slept with before you were together.

    Post # 80
    Member
    3303 posts
    Sugar bee

    He has never specifically asked me the exact number,  but he does know that I’ve always been very selective when it comes to bed partners and knows my number is pretty low. I know he’s slept with far more people than me, it doesn’t phase me. 

    I’d tell him the exact number if he asked for it.

    Post # 81
    Member
    510 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: May 2016

    I don’t even know my actual number. Ive told him its in the 30’s ish which is all I can pin point it at really. His is 6 and I don’t think it’s off. But I don’t know why anyone would lie about their number.

    Post # 82
    Member
    1955 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: October 2013

    We both know each other’s numbers, as we’ve only ever been with each other.

    Post # 83
    Member
    2969 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: September 2015

    He knows the exact number.  Before getting involved with him, I had had sex exactly once before.

    Post # 84
    Member
    2776 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: November 2013

    Oh OP I’m sorry you’re going through this.

    I gotta say though that I have to agree with a previous poster who said he’s using this “lie” as a cover for something else. 

    My suggestion is that you sit him down and talk to him unapologetically and seriously (so you take his emotional blackmail off the table right away). Straight up ask him what is this about? He’ll say it’s the lying and the thinking about you being with other men. Instead of squirming and giving in because you feel guilty about lying all that time ago you say you’re sorry you lied, but you were just getting to know him at the time and didn’t know if he’d be the type of guy to slut shame you (yes you say it just like that), the type of guy who would judge your “morals and values” given your sexual past or what so you lied. Look him in the eye. He’ll start squirming now. So ask him, now that you know the truth (about the 6 relationships) I would like to know if YOU’re still the man I thought I married: does this change how you see me? Does this change how you see the woman you claim to love, the woman you’ve shared your bed, love, finances, family, house, etc? Does knowing I had two more relationships change the way you see me now? If he answers yes you look him dead in the eye and say “I expected better of my husband,” get up and leave the conversation. That way you’ll put the onus of responsibility to think about things, apologize, etc on HIM. 

    Bee you are still the same woman he’s been with all of this time. 2 more relationships, 2 more FWBs, it doesn’t matte. It could’ve been zero partners or x or x+10. You are still the same woman. Your “value” as a woman and your morals are still the exact same. So you lied. Yep. But YOU are still the same woman!

    If he says that it doesn’t change how he sees you, or if he stumbles there, ask him gently what this is really about. Is he unsatisfied sexually? Does he want more sex? Is he feeling insecure about satisfying YOU sexually? Do you guys need to sit down and figure out how to be happier in bed and less self-conscious? Does thinking about you having had multiple partners make him compare himself mentally to others and find himself on the losing side? Why is he torturing himself like that? Is he worried financially (dunno why but it does seem like men equate sexual prowess to financial power and vice versa sometimes)? Is he worried about “satisfying” you someway? 

    Finally, gently remind him that of course no one wants to think about their sweetie sleeping with someone else be it in the past, present or future. So we don’t. We focus on the present and future that we have promised and vowed to one another and see that we’re happy there. We do not punish our loved ones for their pasts. That would be unfair.

     

    Post # 85
    Hostess
    9669 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: March 2014 - Chicago, IL

    What? You married HIM, not those other guys. This is a complete non-issue, which makes me think there’s something else going on with him and he’s using this as a scapegoat and a way to blame his problems on you.

    Post # 86
    Member
    8856 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper

    I agree with people saying it might be something else. I’m a big proponent of telling the truth (because it’s usually just stupid not to) but your lie was a matter of degrees. You didn’t try to play off like a virgin. It’s unreasonable for him to say “you’re not the person I thought you were” over leaving out 4 guys. That’s not even a full spring break.

    Post # 87
    Member
    2525 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: August 2013

    He knows he is the only man I’ve slept with. 

    Post # 88
    Member
    2098 posts
    Buzzing bee

    Yes but not my weight!!

    Post # 89
    Member
    80 posts
    Worker bee

    OP: It sounds like there is something more going on than just that. 

     

    and yes, my FH knows but then I was a virgin before him and you can’t not tell the person that 

    Post # 90
    Member
    2866 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: May 2013

    NurseShannon:  This is absolutely ridiculous. Either something else is going on or he has huge insecurity issues.

    The topic ‘Spinoff: Does FI/Hubby/SO know the real number’ is closed to new replies.

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