Post # 1
Aftering the long gifting post (sorry, I couldn’t get through all 4 pages!), I was just curious…for Bees who give a gift with the intent of generally covering the cost of their plate OR covering the plate plus some…
Do you turn down a wedding if you can’t afford to cover? Even if they’re close friends? I ask mainly because I don’t think I have ever been to a wedding that was less than $200 per plate, some closer to 300 or more. And they’re not all super formal, but it’s regional/urban.
Most of my friends are throughout the country, so for all the weddings we go to, most all guests have to travel to get there as well. So I typically spend between $200-500 traveling for a wedding. So I’m wondering how it all shakes down, if that makes sense.
Even if I didn’t have high travel costs, I’m not sure I could afford to gift $200-400 per wedding, but I also wouldn’t want to turn a good friend’s wedding down.
Just curious what Bees who follow this rule would do. And just a polite reminder, this isn’t to debate the ‘cover your plate’ idea, just a query for people who follow it 🙂
Post # 3
@Heartly: I think I saw a few responses say that they max out – if it’s a $500 pp wedding, they’re not going to give a $600 gift. They’ll top out at $200 or $300 or whatever.
I don’t know if I “cover my plate” but I do think I’d scale in order to avoid any embarrassment. (E.g., I think bringing a lavish gift to a very budget wedding would perhaps put the happy couple in an odd spot – exception if I’m super close to them, though.)
So given that, I would likely still accept your hypothetical invite, but I would max out at maybe $200.
Post # 4
I wouldnt decline to attend a wedding just b/c I didnt think I could cover my plate, but if I do know that it’s a high price tag wedding & a good friend I do give a little more than usual.
Post # 5
I would absolutely still go. Covering the plate is only a guideline–you still give only what you can afford. Like when I was in law school not making any money, I certainly did not cover my plate, although that’s what I like to do. Now that I have a job, I am able to cover my plate + give a gift. I also have a maximum, and that would probably be $500 for a really close family member (siblings basically). I also would never give a gift below $75, even if the wedding was a potluck or something.
I don’t really know why the covering your plate thing is so hard for people to understand. It’s a guideline. You still have to do what you can afford and feel comfortable with.
Post # 6
I give based on my relationship with the couple. period. doesn’t matter if they get married in a backyard or Westminster, lol. I do also check to see what they gave us (if we married first) and match that.
Post # 7
If the plate is expensive (for me, $250 and up) and if I’m going with Fiance, we may just cover our plates and not give a gift. It depends on the relationship I have with the couple and also our financial situation at that time. Like now that we’re saving for our wedding, we’re definitely less generous. The most I ever gave was $700 (plate was maybe $50) but that was just one time for the closest person to get married as of yet!
That said, I only go to weddings of people I really know and care for. The rest I decline.
Post # 8
I also try to gift based on how close the couple are to me.
Post # 9
I would still attend and give what I could. Like PP said, it’s a guideline or a starting point, covering your plate is not a must. Within my circle we give $100 minimum per person (I know this only because when a huge group of us were discussing weddings last year this was the concensus). I felt bad going to weddings in the past and only giving $200 for the 2 of us because I know that in grand scheme of things it’s not really a lot but now that I’m working again we’re definitely giving more. How close I am to the couple also plays a factor in what I give.
Maybe it’s also that I’m used to giving this much? I know that Fiance was shocked when he heard how much I got for my birthday from friends and family (when we first started dating) but to me it was totally normal because it’s just what we do.
Post # 10
How can you tell how much someone’s wedding costs or will cost (before you attend)?
I was tight lipped about my wedding beforehand and even had a few friends mention my “low budget wedding”.
After my wedding, we’ve had numerous friends/family reference our 50k wedding (not kidding), but our wedding only cost 27k.
My point is, you have no idea whether it’s $75pp or $200pp.
Post # 11
@PinkMagnolia: How can you tell how much someone’s wedding costs or will cost (before you attend)?
That was my thought exactly.
I have never heard of basing one’s gift on the cost of your food/plate and it just seems bizarre in my HO. As PP have mentioned I base my gifts on the relationship I have with the bride and/or groom. If we are close I will give/spend more regardless of the wedding theme, price tag, or formality.
Just as a personal note, even though we are having a formal wedding with a higher cost PP meal I don’t expect people to spend more on gifts for us. I just don’t get where this correlation comes from.
Post # 12
@PinkMagnolia: You can kind off guess based on the venue and what it includes. For example, if it includes dinner, I give more. If it’s a 5 star hotel, I know approximately how much a plate costs there so I give accordingly. Generally the plate doesn’t include the band and the other stuff- just the food and drinks. It’s an estimate – not set in stone:)
Post # 13
@Heartly: I think you are referring to my thread .
I wouldn’t decline to go just because I couldn’t “cover my plate”. As it was mentioned repeatedly on my thread, I would start with the plate cover as a baseline only and then go from there. If it’s out of my range, I give what I can afford and want to give. Easy as that.
Post # 14
@Treejewel19: As mentioned on other threads, most people guesstimate how much a wedding costs per head by considering the venue (and checking their website for rates to get an idea) and any details you know about the wedding (i.e. – decor, cake, flowers, etc.). It’s JUST a guesstimate not an exact figure. In addition, it’s just a starting point for negotiations. LOL! If a guest cannot afford to give that much or just doesn’t want to, they by no means have to, it’s just how some of us were raised. That’s all. No harm or foul. I’ve heard of covering your plate since I was like 10 years old and went to my first formal affair (a Sweet Sixteen, not a wedding). My mother covered our plates when we went.
Post # 15
@VegasSukie: Very interesting. I wonder how much people would guesstimate my wedding cost was per plate…I should ask! 😛
Post # 16
Can I just say (totally tongue in cheek) that I’m glad my wedding is at an uber expensive hotel with a super high published f&b minimum (that I’m not governed by), if it means people will gift based on that perception? haha