Post # 1
So what happens when you don’t want gifts or money? This will be my second marriage and we are in our 40’s. I absolutely do not feel right about receiving gifts (especially from those who were at my first wedding) or money. However, I hear that not registering implies that you would prefer money. I don’t want to send that message. When BF’s sister got married, they put on their website that if anyone felt the need to give a gift they could donate to their local animal shelter or get them a bottle of wine. I know this is a no-no and falls under telling adults what to do, but honestly it was helpful to a lot of people. I know some people will want to give a gift anyway, which is very nice and generous, so I also don’t want to send the message that “we don’t want your crappy stuff,” by saying something about having everything we need, etc. So just leave it to word of mouth? Tell people individually when they inquire?
Post # 2
Don’t register. If asked we said ‘no gifts’. We still got some gifts and cash. If you want you could donate the gifts to charity shop and donate the cash. It’s a wedding and people will want to give you a token gift even if you say no gifts.
Post # 3
My FI’s aunt (so my….F-AIL…?) got remarried and she is in her 60s. We made a donation to the dog rescue group she and her husband support and help foster dogs through in their honor.
I think it’d be better to say nothing, if people want to give you gifts, that is very lovely. I’m sure you could receive some sentimental gifts, donations or cash. Even if you say, That’s very kind of you to think of getting us something. We aren’t asking for anything – people will figure out something to do in your honor, give a gift or just give you money.
Post # 4
I disagree that not registering necessarily “implies that you want cash.” It might just imply that you don’t need anything. What people often say is that, in the absence of a registry, most guests will default to giving you cash, which is true.
I personally don’t like any form of “We just want you there with us, please don’t feel you need to bring a gift!” on a website or correspondence. It sounds patronizing to me.
The truth of the matter is, even if you say you don’t want gifts, people are probably going to give you gifts anyway, because that’s what most people consider to be good manners, and your friends and relatives probably want to give you gifts. I would stay away from sending any message about gifts whatsoever. If people ask, just say you’re not registered because you’re all set with all you need. If they press the issue, I guess just respond according to how close your relationship with them is. (Etiquette says don’t ask for anything, but let’s be real, close friends aren’t typically formal. I recently went to wine country and got a text from my best friend saying I’d better bring a good bottle of red home for her. So if a close friend is like, “No, seriously, what can I get you?” I don’t think the police will arrest you for responding, “Well, we’re trying to expand our wine collection! But please, nothing more than that.”) In the real world, flat out just telling someone you don’t want a gift they clearly want to give you is just going to get weird.
If you feel weird or guilty about receiving cash, just donate it to the charity you would have asked them to donate it to, I guess. But frankly the gift-givers would probably love to hear in your thank-you note that you put it toward a great honeymoon or something. (ETA: Not implying that you should lie about what you did with the money. I worded that weirdly. I just mean they probably want you to use it for something personal for you and Darling Husband.)