(Closed) Spinoff – How do you deal with being called selfish for your DW?

posted 7 years ago in Destination Weddings
Post # 3
Member
5148 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

We were very open with everyone that if they wanted to come to our Destination Wedding that was great, but we understood if it was too expensive. We had a back-home reception afterwards so everyone could celebrate with us.

Post # 5
Member
5148 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

It was a month later.

Post # 6
Member
5761 posts
Bee Keeper

I’lll tell you what my sisters told me when my daughters were thinking of having DWs (one in Mexico,the other in the Dominican Republic).

One sister said it was pretty ‘convenient’ to pass the cost of the wedding off to the guests. Can’t afford it or agree on numbers? Have it where many people need to take out a loan for a family of 5 to attend….and she was dead serious. If it’s a place they would naver have considered taking a vacation to at any other time, why would they go there if not for your wedding? Cheaper for that one day for the B&G, but definitely not for the people who attend,( unless you’re paying for everything for everyone).

The other said she’s been invited to a few already, and they’d be broke if they went to all of them. Can’t do it for one side of the family and not the other, so they’ve gone to none.

I told mine I wasn’t paying for both…one or the other…no ‘at home’ reception after the fact. There’s only so much money to go around.

Post # 7
Member
8738 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2011

We didn’t really have a choice. Our guests were spread out from CA, to NY, to NC, to PA, to FL with no majority in any one location.

So we picked a location we liked that was on the east coast since the majority were there (even though my family is in CA).

When I asked my bridesmaids I gave them an easy out. I told them I’d love for them to be there, but the wedding was going to be in ME and I understood if they couldn’t make it.

We had about a 50% response rate on our RSVPs and though I was a bit sad, I figured that was going to happen.

We didn’t get any flack from anyone. In fact, most people were really happy to make the trip and make a vacation out of it.

Since we don’t have a “home” where all our friends/family are we can’t have an “at home” reception. And we just moved overseas on top of all that. So… sometimes there’s just no helping it.

Post # 9
Member
1120 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2010

I feel very strongly about that and here is my rant:

Getting married is an act that you are doing for you and for your future husband; you aren’t doing this for anyone else. Therefore, really I think having the wedding at home and spending all the money so that other people can attend is really an honour and a priviledge that they should feel greatful for. Many people feel entitled to it and I don’t get that. Criticizing people for not getting married the way you want them to do it, now that is selfish.

I think if a couple wants to have a Destination Wedding that will allow them to put their money on a house or their future instead of spending it for all the people that they “have to invite”, it’s their choice, and often a reasonable one that they should not be criticized for. Because in the end, it’s the marriage that counts, not the wedding.

If you elope, no one will have the chance to come, but it’s still your right.  If you have a Destination Wedding, the people who want and can come have the opportunity to come and that’s great. If they can’t, it’s sad, but you will still get married and be happy together and this is what really matters.

 

Post # 10
Member
5761 posts
Bee Keeper

Well..they said it to ME and not them, and I would never have had that happen. The reality for my daughters was,tho, that it meant more to them to have their Grandparents and immediate family members see them get married than to go too far away. 

They ended up each having their weddings an hour from home, and some people still complained about having to stay over. $100. room plus travel was still way cheaper than $5000. for a few days in Mexico. 🙂

Post # 10
Member
1120 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2010

I also see it as the guests are not paying for your wedding. They are paying for a vacation for themselves. If they want to take that vacation, here’s an opportunity to spend a vacation with friends and family. It they don’t want to take a vacation or can’t, no one is forcing them. I see it as inviting people to take a vacation together, and btw, there will be a couple getting married on the vacation.

Post # 11
Member
2450 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

it’s only selfish if you try to guilt or force your guests into coming. 

in the end, it’s really only about joining a couple together for life.

 

I am having a Destination Wedding, and have told my family several times that it’s okay if they can’t come, i know it’s expensive, and i know it’s difficult if you have kids to take care of. 

Everyone is understanding and even really excited for me because… it’s a Disney wedding and they know it’s my life’s dream.

Post # 12
Member
2095 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I can see both sides of the argument.

I think what upsets the guests is when the bride and groom expect them to be there and they can;t for financial reasons. Yes it might be a vacation, but if it means attending your wedding or paying my mortgage which do you think I will choose? If the bride and groom accept that some people cannot make it then that is one thing. But making guests feel guilty is what I hear a lot of happening and I don’t think that is fair to the guests. If you want x amount of people to come then you need to understand that they cannot spend 1k or more to attend your wedding.

On the flip side if the bride and groom accept that certain people cannot make it and are even hoping in that case and are looking for a fantastic time for their wedding with limited guests then more power to you! I think as long as you are realistic in your expectations regarding guests then there should be no problem. Make the day about you and your grrom as it should  be!

 

Post # 13
Member
7609 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

@VegasSukie: Trust me, I hear ya about your budget not being quite in line with your original “vision”!  I’m a Toronto bride and I imagine the prices for things in big cities are similar.  What we ended up doing was changing our entire vision of our perfect wedding and reconsidering what was truly important to us.

It sounds like you and your Fiance are doing that, too.  However, I just wanted to comment on your, “IF you don’t like it, DON’T COME!”….what about those people who basically *have* to come?  Like brothers, parents, best friends in the world….of course they love you and want to be there to support you for your special day.  There are a lot of people out there who may not “like it” but may feel so much pressure to do it anyway, whether they have the money or vacation time to spare or not.

And you know what?  I’m sure Destination Wedding brides show their guests a great time and it’s not like it’s a terrible waste of a trip – but that’s not really the point.  My stance remains that it CAN be a selfish (no one said “evil”!) decision in many cases.

Post # 14
Member
3375 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

The sister of one of my best friends had a destination wedding. My friend actually did end up taking out a loan to go (I think it cost her $2500 to attend as a guest). It was heartbreaking for her and the bride to this day still brags about the money she saved not having to invite all the people she would have.

I think a lot of times Destination Wedding are because of some underlying issue (can’t agree with parents on guest list, the at home would cost too much, etc), but for some people with small families or with families that travel- they’re great!

I’m not having a Destination Wedding per say (We live here), but 95% of my guests are having to travel to me and stay in hotels. I feel awful about it, but people were excited to come see us. I’m not sure a lot of my guests will give us gifts, but we’re okay with that. We actually had an 80% turn out rate, the 20% not coming was either sick/disabled relatives or college students.

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