(Closed) Spinoff – How do you deal with being called selfish for your DW?

posted 8 years ago in Destination Weddings
Post # 16
Member
5837 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2011

Maybe its just my group of friends but I have to travel for almost every single wedding I get invited to. Even “local” weddings I end up booking a hotel room for so I dont have to worry about drinking and driving. Attending a wedding is expensive these days! So do I consider every single one of my friends selfish for not planning a wedding at my convenience?? No, because thats nuts. I had a semi-destination wedding because it was the best option for us (aka the people providing ample food and drinks). If someone thought we were selfish I certainly didn’t hear about it and honestly I could not have given a sh*t.

Post # 18
Member
8736 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2011

@LGenz: Now that I think of it, all the weddings I’ve been to (or been invited to) as an adult have been that way too.

I think that’s just what happens when you have friends all over the country and friends who like to travel.

Post # 20
Member
111 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

I definitely don’t think all Destination Wedding couples are selfish. For some, it just makes sense both financially and planning-wise. As long as no guest (including family) are guilted into coming if it’s hard for them to take time off/afford the trip/find childcare/whatever, I think it’s a fine choice. Of course, even local wedding couples shouldn’t be guilting guests into attending – it’s just an invitation!

But…

My sometimes-issue with DWs is the premise that this is a vacation. Yes, it’s often in a great locale. However, the date and location is not chosen by the guests. We’re going to a friend’s wedding in Aruba later this year. We’re excited and happy to go, and we could afford it. The B&G were very clear that they knew it was asking a lot of the guests, and they would have been understanding if we couldn’t make it.

It’s not at the time we would have chosen to take a vacation, and it’s not our first-choice vacation destination. It’s the B&G’s first choice. That’s fine, but a vacation for my husband and I is one that we plan, together, for a place that we choose and a time that’s most convenient for us.

I personally don’t think that a wedding is all about the B&G (if you’re inviting others, I mean – elopement, that’s all you). It’s a community and family ritual. I think Destination Wedding can fill that role beautifully, as long as the B&G are understanding of the fact that they are making it more difficiult and costly for their guests to participate in this (very important) ritual and celebration.

@VegasSukie: I’m sure your wedding will be awesome.

Post # 21
Member
9816 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

Why do you care so much what people think of you though? You seem really distraught over the fact that people might be negative about your Destination Wedding. You have to just own your choice.

In a perfect world, everyone would be able to celebrate your wedding and be included. That’s just not always realistic though. I got a ton of flack when I eloped, but it was the right thing to do at the time financially and everyone just had to get over it!

Post # 22
Member
5837 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2011

@VegasSukie: Um I’d much rather take a trip to Jamaica then fly to Florida, rent a car and drive SIX HOURS for a “local” wedding in some tiny town in the panhandle. I did it with a smile because I adore my friend and would not have missed her wedding for anything.

I will say I never once told anyone to think of my wedding as a “vacation” because that annoys me. I plan my own vacations and chose the location. My Darling Husband haaates Mexico so your wedding in Cabo may be tropical but it is not our idea of a vacation.

Post # 23
Member
7605 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

@VegasSukie: Hey, you don’t need to convince me that what you’re doing and saying to your family is right for you!  It’s your wedding. 🙂

All I’m saying – and I’m saying it sincerely, not trying to argue – you can “reassure” your parents and siblings that “you understand if they can’t come” until the COWS come home, but will that make them feel much less pressured to be a part of their daughter/sister/whatever’s ceremony?

I guess where you and I disagree a little is on what the ceremony is about.  You said it’s a sacred ritual between the bride and groom, and I believe it’s a ceremony to celebrate the blending of two families.  If my parents and siblings couldn’t be there, it would break my heart.

NOTE: I am not calling you a bad person!  We just have different beliefs about weddings.

Obviously if your family is big on travelling or has money/jobs/family situations that easily allow for a Destination Wedding, then power to you all.

Also, THIS: “It’s funny, on the Bee especially, so many posters are quick to say “the wedding only matters to the B&G”, “all that matters is that you are getting married”, etc.  Yet when it comes to DWs it’s like all of this falls by the wayside.” –> I think the majority of the time other bees are talking about decorations, food, music….not spending 1,000 dollars and a week of their time off work on a venue they didn’t choose.

Post # 24
Member
1119 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2010

@LGenz: But if it’s not a destination that you would choose for yourself, you just don’t go. No one forces you to check Yes on the response card and pay for a vacation you don’t want. If seeing the B&G get married is so important to YOU that you would pay for a destination that you don’t like, don’t be angry with them, it’s your choice.

Post # 25
Member
1645 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

My sister had a destination wedding in FL. She lives in Chicago, most of our family is in NY and her DH’s family is spread out (GA and IL/WI I think). I planned my pregnancy around her wedding so I could attend. She announced her engagement before we started trying, and we got pregnant the last week we were trying before taking a few month break so we could attend. It was a little overwhelming to pay for a trip with us being recently married, buying a house and having a baby, but my sister went above and beyond to accomodate us while we were there and lessen the cost (as did her DH’s family!) There were times that I grumbled about the cost and frustration of traveling with a newborn (to myself or to Darling Husband only-I partly blame pregnancy hormones) but it made sense for her to have the wedding there since both families were fairly spread out and Chicago weddings are pricey. It was the most beautiful wedding and she and her Darling Husband deserved to have the wedding they wanted. Most of our family came and we had anamazing time.

I definitely fell into the category of having to go, being her sister and a Bridesmaid or Best Man. But I, nor anyone else that I know of had a negative thing to say about it.

Post # 26
Member
5837 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2011

@mommytobee: I’m not saying I’m angry with anyone. I’m saying stop calling it a vacation, its a wedding. I feel like when people call it a “vacation” they’re trying to deflect from the fact that its a destination wedding. Just call it what it is!

Post # 27
Member
95 posts
Worker bee

@VegasSukie:  The thing is that a wedding is not just about the bride and the groom.  Yes, technically, for a marriage to take place, all you need is the bride, groom and officiant.  However, weddings are social events that are usually about the families, too (short of some major family conflict, for example) and it is understandable for families to feel put out that the location is more important than their being in attendance to the B&G.  Short of accommodating the fact that family members are spread all around, DWs can seem very selfish.  So for example, if you are picking a wedding location for the exotic location, you should really just save that for the honeymoon. 

If NYC venues are too costly, then I would try some in Jersey that can fit your budget.  Where are considering having it at?  You could always find a restaurant with a private dining room, too.

Post # 28
Member
167 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

I’m having one and nobody has said it is selfish. I guess it depends on the people you are inviting to come. It is somewhat selfish for guests to think you have to plan a wedding that is convenient for them or their pockets. Just like it would be selfish if the couple made people feel guilty for not being able to afford it. If you cannot afford to go then decline and the couple should be prepared to have a smaller guest list due to the fact that it is a destination wedding.

We are spending the same amount of money we would have spent if we had one here so it is not cheaper for us to have a destination wedding. I personally have always wanted an intimate wedding in a tropical location so that was a no brainer. I am happy and grateful for my family and few friends who are dying to share this moment with us and understand not everyone will be able to come.

Post # 29
Member
1119 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2010

I don’t see it that way.

A wedding is one evening. When you have a Destination Wedding, you get to spend actual quality time with the people that come, often for a whole week, in a vacation setting. The wedding lasts a few hours in the whole vacation, but you have lots of activities together. People remember the whole vacation after.

So, yeah, we’ll have to agree to disagree on this.

Post # 30
Member
305 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2010 - Wyndham Sugar Bay Resort, St. Thomas

The B&G passing the buck? Not true, and so not fair. My St Thomas wedding wasn’t exactly inexpensive…we could have had a traditional at home ceremony and reception for the same amount that we spent to go somewhere tropical, to us it had absolutely nothing to do with us saving money (Mr. N and I paid for our dream wedding, every last penny). We only invited immediate family because we wanted a small, intimate celebration and luckily everyone was able to make it. Some only stayed for 2 days, others stayed for a week…they did what they could and I appreciated every minute I had with everyone down there. I also paid part of my younger sister and her boyfriend’s trip to have them there though I would have never guilted them into coming if they absolutely couldn’t.

One thing we did that was CRUCIAL was to check with everyone we wanted there when it was still just an idea being thrown around, you know, before we got into the actual planning, putting down deposits, etc., just to make sure it was even feasible. From there, we figured out a plan with everyone in order to make it happen (found out when people couldn’t travel vs. hurricane season vs. cheapest weeks to fly, etc) to make sure that the most important people in our lives could be there and we planned accordingly. And if they wouldn’t have been able to come, we probably would have saved the tropics for the honeymoon and still planned an intimate ceremony with the family at home.

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