- 8 years ago
- Wedding: June 2012
“That’s right, I’m not getting married to YOU, am I?” =)
“That’s right, I’m not getting married to YOU, am I?” =)
@KatyElle: I’m distraught because to me “selfish” is a very strong word, especially to someone who has spent their entire life trying to be understanding and accommodating to everyone else. I would be very hurt to find out my family and friends were calling me and Fiance selfish behind our backs. As PP posted, I would rather be there all alone with Fiance than surrounded with family and friends that resent us.
That being said, you are right. I do have to just own it. I just wish that people would be considerate of how their words and opinions (if given to the B&G that is) can really take the joy out of what is supposed to be THEIR day. I personally do not subscribe to the idea that a wedding is a “community” event.
@mommytobee: But if it’s not a destination that you would choose for yourself, you just don’t go. No one forces you to check Yes on the response card and pay for a vacation you don’t want. If seeing the B&G get married is so important to YOU that you would pay for a destination that you don’t like, don’t be angry with them, it’s your choice.
^^^THIS TO THE 10TH POWER! LOL.
i dunno why all the argument about the word ‘vacation’.
i mean… if you are telling people they must stay for this amount of time and then trying to convince them with “but it will be a vacation!” then yeah… that’s not right. but it’s not the use of the word ‘vacation’, it’s the whole tone of the person in general.
for our wedding, we let our family know what day it is going to be on and then told them “and if you want to stay and make a vacation out of the trip, let us know and we can have a family day.” they know they aren’t being pressured to stay and spend time with us because it’s also our honeymoon destination and will want some time aloooone.
@singasong: I hear what you are saying but I think every situation and B&G are different. Would a “blending of families” matter to a bride whose entire family consists of 5 people or to a groom who’s family is kinda “absent” in general. It’s unfair to assume that all couples view their marriage in this manner. To me, because I do have such little family, this is about me and Fiance starting our own family. We hope the VIPs in our lives can share the day with us, but it’s not as if our marriage is going to create peace between two countries or something, lol. Chances are our families will rarely see each other after the wedding.
We were very lucky that not one of our guests called us selfish, at least to our faces. The only person who ever called it a selfish decision was this older woman I once sat next to on a plane.
I told her our plans and she said it seemed selfish from a guest perspective. I explained to her that Darling Husband and I were paying for the entire wedding ourselves and paying for our parents’ trips, and she changed her tune. She said that if the couple is paying for their own wedding, they can do whatever they want.
@VegasSukie: I understand that, but someone is always going to have an opinon no matter what you do. Sometimes that opinion will be negative, but oh well, it can’t stop you from living your life.
And yes, people have different perceptions as to what a wedding symbolizes. To me, it was about my husband and I quietly marrying and starting our life together. To others it’s a big family affair and blending of the families.
I think it’s important to acknowledge other people’s feelings about it, but not let it stop you from fulfilling your needs either. Just because someone’s feelings about weddings might be perfectly valid doesn’t make yours invalid.
“This may be disappointing for those who can’t attend, but for us this just makes the most sense financially. We really appreciate your understanding.”
I sort of talked about this in the other thread, but it’s really only selfish if you’re guilting people into coming, even when they’re your best friend that you always imagined being there or your close relative.
I’m with KatyElle, you just have to own the decision. A large part of that will be understanding when your guests can’t make it.
I had a cousin who had a semi-dw (it was a six hour drive) on a Monday or a Tuesday to save money. I was supposed to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man, but about a month in, I realized it would fall on finals my senior year, so I couldn’t go. We talked about it later, and she was incredibly understanding about it. I don’t know if it personally disappointed her (I know I was pretty bummed about it), but we’re still friends and she was a Bridesmaid or Best Man in my wedding.
I wish I could have been there, but when you make your wedding inconvenient, you just can’t expect everyone to make it. If you keep that in mind, though, I don’t think your guests will be selfish. Just expect at least a couple nasty surprises from the guest list, and you’ll be okay.
@KatyElle: Thank you for your words. You are absolutely right. Sometimes you just need an outside party to give you those words of encouragement. I know that people will have their opinions and I respect that. I will just have to keep my head high and remember that Fiance and I are doing what is best for us.
ETA – Thank you to all the bees for your opinions, words of support, etc. YOU GUYS ROCK! I fully understand that many people will be unable or unwilling to attend and that’s totally ok. I would never dream of guilting someone for not coming. I just hope fellow bees follow this advice and not guilt couples for choosing to have a Destination Wedding. That being said, I will OWN my choice and accept the fact that people are going to talk smack regardless of what we do and that’s just life so BUILD A BRIDGE AND GET OVER IT!
i don’t get the problem with “vacation” either, lol. because its like if we say “come spend $1000 JUST for our wedding”, that’s bad, and if we say, “come for a vacation”, that’s bad too?! I guess its true that people just have to agree to disagree. And I do agree with everything mommytobee said. If you don’t want your vacation to be then and there, then don’t go! The idea of it being a “vacation” for guests is that it IS a vacation. Vacations mean taking a break when you need it or can get the time off work and going somewhere you like. If the Destination Wedding location doesn’t meet those requirements, then ya, you can’t call it a vacation and you don’t have to go.
@mommytobee: What she said.
Bottom line — no matter what you do, someone is going to STILL complain. As long as couples follow some basic principals for DWs like 1) Giving sufficent notice (6 months to a year) 2) Trying to have it during the areas low-season 3) Choosing or recommending accomdations at various price points. 4) Not expecting or pressuring guests to attend a Destination Wedding. After that, I really don’t see the problem.
@canuba:My sometimes-issue with DWs is the premise that this is a vacation. Yes, it’s often in a great locale. However, the date and location is not chosen by the guests.
I do agree with your point on Destination Wedding being pushed as “vacations” for the guests. I’m sure some are geniunely excited and view them as vacays and others don’t. Ultimately, its the guests who have the power to decline. You have to do what best for your family and finances. B&G should understand that.
@dynamic_duo: Listen I would be an ideal Destination Wedding guest. You know why, because my motto is “Have passport, will travel!” I LOVE traveling and any beach is a good beach. Or shoot make it the Alps, I look as any travel opportunity as an adventure. I’d be more pissed about not being able to afford attending. I’m down to visit just just about anywhere at least once. And I don’t care about revisiting locations either. So for me Destination Wedding are a total non-issue. If I can afford it and if the timing doesn’t conflict with some other family matter, I’m there. But I would never, ever as a guest place to complain to B&G about their choice and vision. Thats where it crosses the line.
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