(Closed) Spinoff – How do you deal with being called selfish for your DW?

posted 8 years ago in Destination Weddings
Post # 31
Member
2747 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

“You’re selfish.”

“That’s right, I’m not getting married to YOU, am I?” =)

Post # 35
Member
2450 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

i dunno why all the argument about the word ‘vacation’. 

i mean… if you are telling people they must stay for this amount of time and then trying to convince them with “but it will be a vacation!” then yeah… that’s not right. but it’s not the use of the word ‘vacation’, it’s the whole tone of the person in general.

for our wedding, we let our family know what day it is going to be on and then told them “and if you want to stay and make a vacation out of the trip, let us know and we can have a family day.” they know they aren’t being pressured to stay and spend time with us because it’s also our honeymoon destination and will want some time aloooone.

Post # 37
Member
2443 posts
Buzzing bee

We were very lucky that not one of our guests called us selfish, at least to our faces. The only person who ever called it a selfish decision was this older woman I once sat next to on a plane.

I told her our plans and she said it seemed selfish from a guest perspective. I explained to her that Darling Husband and I were paying for the entire wedding ourselves and paying for our parents’ trips, and she changed her tune. She said that if the couple is paying for their own wedding, they can do whatever they want. 

Post # 38
Member
9816 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

@VegasSukie: I understand that, but someone is always going to have an opinon no matter what you do. Sometimes that opinion will be negative, but oh well, it can’t stop you from living your life.

And yes, people have different perceptions as to what a wedding symbolizes. To me, it was about my husband and I quietly marrying and starting our life together. To others it’s a big family affair and blending of the families.

I think it’s important to acknowledge other people’s feelings about it, but not let it stop you from fulfilling your needs either. Just because someone’s feelings about weddings might be perfectly valid doesn’t make yours invalid.

“This may be disappointing for those who can’t attend, but for us this just makes the most sense financially. We really appreciate your understanding.”

Post # 39
Member
6392 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2011

I sort of talked about this in the other thread, but it’s really only selfish if you’re guilting people into coming, even when they’re your best friend that you always imagined being there or your close relative.

I’m with KatyElle, you just have to own the decision. A large part of that will be understanding when your guests can’t make it.

I had a cousin who had a semi-dw (it was a six hour drive) on a Monday or a Tuesday to save money. I was supposed to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man, but about a month in, I realized it would fall on finals my senior year, so I couldn’t go. We talked about it later, and she was incredibly understanding about it. I don’t know if it personally disappointed her (I know I was pretty bummed about it), but we’re still friends and she was a Bridesmaid or Best Man in my wedding.

I wish I could have been there, but when you make your wedding inconvenient, you just can’t expect everyone to make it. If you keep that in mind, though, I don’t think your guests will be selfish. Just expect at least a couple nasty surprises from the guest list, and you’ll be okay.

Post # 41
Member
7295 posts
Busy Beekeeper

i don’t get the problem with “vacation” either, lol. because its like if we say “come spend $1000 JUST for our wedding”, that’s bad, and if we say, “come for a vacation”, that’s bad too?!   I guess its true that people just have to agree to disagree.  And I do agree with everything mommytobee said.  If you don’t want your vacation to be then and there, then don’t go!  The idea of it being a “vacation” for guests is that it IS a vacation.  Vacations mean taking a break when you need it or can get the time off work and going somewhere you like.  If the Destination Wedding location doesn’t meet those requirements, then ya, you can’t call it a vacation and you don’t have to go.  

Post # 42
Member
7369 posts
Busy Beekeeper

@mommytobee: What she said.

Bottom line — no matter what you do, someone is going to STILL complain. As long as couples follow some basic principals for DWs like 1) Giving sufficent notice (6 months to a year) 2) Trying to have it during the areas low-season 3) Choosing or recommending accomdations at various price points. 4) Not expecting or pressuring guests to attend a Destination Wedding.  After that, I really don’t see the problem.

@canuba:My sometimes-issue with DWs is the premise that this is a vacation. Yes, it’s often in a great locale. However, the date and location is not chosen by the guests.

I do agree with your point on Destination Wedding being pushed as “vacations” for the guests. I’m sure some are geniunely excited and view them as vacays and others don’t. Ultimately, its the guests who have the power to decline. You have to do what best for your family and finances. B&G should understand that.

Post # 43
Member
7295 posts
Busy Beekeeper

@bklynbridetobe:  i guess i see it more as that it *could* be a vacation if the guest chooses to make it one and are happy and want to make it one.  if not, like you said, they can decline.

Post # 44
Member
7369 posts
Busy Beekeeper

@dynamic_duo: Listen I would be an ideal Destination Wedding guest. You know why, because my motto is “Have passport, will travel!” I LOVE traveling and any beach is a good beach. Or shoot make it the Alps, I look as any travel opportunity as an adventure. I’d be more pissed about not being able to afford attending. I’m down to visit just just about anywhere at least once. And I don’t care about revisiting locations either. So for me Destination Wedding are a total non-issue. If I can afford it and if the timing doesn’t conflict with some other family matter, I’m there. But I would never, ever as a guest place to complain to B&G about their choice and vision. Thats where it crosses the line.

Post # 45
Member
7295 posts
Busy Beekeeper

@bklynbridetobe: oh i am totally the same when it comes to travelling.  Especially after my New Zealand experience!  i am now like “who is getting married next, and can you make it somewhere i have never been!”  LOL.    You totally should have come to my wedding btw!

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