(Closed) Spinoff – How do you deal with being called selfish for your DW?

posted 8 years ago in Destination Weddings
Post # 47
Member
602 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

I see both sides of the coin on this one.  I understand why people would want a destination wedding,  but I think the feeling of resentment from guests is there are some Destination Wedding that are almost mandatory.  I know a few friends that tossed around the idea and would hold it against me if I didn’t attend.  Honestly I would love to go and don’t put a price on friendship but it asks a lot to tell someone where / when and how much they are spending on “vacation”.  It would really depend on what my financial situation was at the time.

So in conclusion:  I don’t fault you or think you’re selfish for having a destination wedding as long as you don’t fault me or think I’m selfish for not making it.

Post # 48
Member
2124 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

Yeah, I’d just remind people they are not being guilted and they dont’ have to come if it’s a burdent upon them. I’m having a Destination Wedding wedding because i know I don’t have the support to pull it off in my hometown. I have plenty of family where the wedding is taking place. I know it’s going to cost alot for those who decide to come and I won’t be upset if only my wedding party shows up because I know I will be happy.

Post # 49
Member
87 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Kudos for being considerat to other people’s feelings. but TRUST if it was the other way around they probably wouldn’t care how you felt about attending, they would do a destination wedding anyway.  My thougths just like i was told…. DO WHAT MAKES YOU HAPPY.  anyone who complains about it… is only thinking of self and not thinking about what makes YOU happy.  if they can’t handle the trip. again, not your problem.  have a lil something when you return if you choose.  thats what I did.  anyone who guilts is WRONG FOR DOING THAT!

Post # 50
Member
369 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I never, in a million years, thought I’d do a Destination Wedding. Then I started planning, and I was so overwhelmed by the process, I was looking for a way out! Fiance wanted to elope, but I wanted to at least give our friends and family an opportunity to be there if they wanted to – and frankly, I wanted some of my nearest and dearest with me as I said I do to the man I love.

I asked all my BMs, close friends and my immediate family, and they all LOVE the idea. We were planning a big friends vacation next spring anyway, and I basically just re-directed it a tad. (Honestly, I was the one planning it at an AI in the Caribbean, so this perfectly fit the bill!) 

Other than my sister, Mom and Dad I would be OK with anyone not coming. I mean, I can’t really tell my sister/MOH that “she doesn’t have to come” – she would be SO offended! Of course she has to be there! But for guests like this, we’re paying for half her trip. 

On the back of our invites (which are quite informal) there is a letter from me and Fiance, explaining our decision to have a Destination Wedding, that we know its asking a lot of them, and that we understand any and every reason why they can’t come (ie, They’ve got rent to pay, DWs are tres gauche, They never liked us that much to begin with…) We just wanted to let them know that we love them, and we GET IT. 🙂  

Post # 51
Member
214 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

@KatNYC2011:We were in a similar situation. Our family and friends are spread all over the country and it was definitely cheaper to choose Jamaica than to have everyone come to us in NYC. 

We made it very clear to everyone that we would love to have them but understand if they can’t come. I spent a lot of time looking for somewhere nice and affordable for our guests and am planning on not just one day of a wedding but a whole weekend of events. A lot of our guests are shocked that we are planning a few meals and activities for everyone (and covering costs). 

We are shocked that EVERY one of our RSVPs returned thus far have been yes. I’m waiting on about 15 more people out of the 39 we invited. 

Post # 52
Member
4802 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I am also having a destination wedding so here is my perspective.  My Fiance and I are completely fine with having no guests attend other than our immediate families.  We made sure to clear it with them before planning to make sure that they would come if we had it away.  They could and were excited about it, and anyone else is who can make it is a bonus.  I completely understand if it’s too expensive for some people.

I also don’t understand the people who say “Just have an at-home reception”.  That’s the most expensive part of a wedding!  There is no point in going away to simplify or save money if that’s what you’re trying to do, to just come home and spend a bunch anyways. 

I’m not having an at-home reception.

Post # 53
Member
24 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: April 2012

I thought about it a lot, but long story short, we decided on Maui since our wedding is mostly for my parents. I didn’t want to have it at home so they have to fly internationally anyway, and for that I wanted it to be somewhere worth traveling and I have strong connections to. Sure, we have people who can’t come because of the cost, but we totally understand. I’ve ranted here before but I guess my dad really wanted his side of relatives to attend, so he’s paying for their accommodations. now, they are totally taking advantage of this free accommodation vacation.

I’m an expat so I missed most my close friends’ weddings back home. I just couldn’t afford flying back just for a wedding, with grad student’s salary. So we understand why some friends can’t come and we don’t make a big deal out of it.

Seriously though, we were expecting much less people but our guest list kept growing (like, many people self-invited themselves because it’s a nice vacation w/a good excuse!) I’m hoping it’ll go down to our target number when it gets close… we’ll see!

Post # 54
Member
7295 posts
Busy Beekeeper

@MademoiselleL:  the at home reception can be whatever you make it.  its very common to do a backyard BBQ type of celebration, which is what we did.  That way it is just a chance to have an official time to celebrate with everyone who couldn’t make it to the destination.  It was very cheap as we did it in my sister’s backyard and had some people even help out by bringing food and drinks.  I made it a Jamaica theme by serving Jamaican patties in addition to hamburgers and hot dogs, and we played Bob Marley.  Then we had a big screen and projector (that we already owned) to show our wedding pictures and video.  I splurged on a cake – which was optional!  

Post # 55
Member
4802 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@dynamic_duo:  Yeah, I totally get that and it sounds like fun!

But my problem with it, and the reason why I’m not doing it is because I’m only inviting a small number of people to my wedding in Maui.  I feel like if I were to invite all those who didn’t get invited to an at-home reception, they would totally feel like a B-list.  I suppose it would be different if a lot of the people invited to the dw weren’t coming, but that’s not the case.

Post # 56
Member
2247 posts
Buzzing bee

So far, everyone sees our wedding as a great vacation opportunity.  But, I planned my Destination Wedding on purpose so that lots of people wouldn’t come.

Post # 57
Member
7681 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

@mommytobee:

That’s how I’m kind of seeing my vow renewal.  I want to have a vaca with my kids, grandkids, a brother and his wife (whom I am hoping will join & have a 30th wedding anniversary renewal with us), and a couple of other very very close couples.  That’s it!  I hope they don’t think I’m being selfish.  I want to have a go away vacation, renew our vows and have fun WITH THEM, Because they are SPECIAL TO US!  If it is only us that get to Mexico-it will be what it is-and the two of us will have a great time celebrating our marriage of 30 years.   I feel kind of sad that my best friend doesn’t want to come though 🙁

Post # 59
Member
20 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: July 2012

I’ve been looking around on Weddingbee for a few months but this post actually made me join.  I know what if feels to be torn between what the the COUPLE wants to do for the wedding, and what everyone else wants/expects them to do.

My immediate family is spread throughout the U.S. and my parents live in Dominican Republic. FI’s family is all here in NY. That said, I always dreamed of a beach wedding, and I mean ALWAYS dreamed of this.  I already knew as soon as we announced our engagement that my family would not be able to come to NY for many reasons.  My choices were, have a wedding in NY with only one sister of mine and hopefully my parents (and all of his family) which meant throw away MY dream completely, or follow my dream.

After speaking with my mom and Fiance, they told me follow MY dream, he said making me happy was HIS dream so he was ok with what ever but wanted something for his family.  Sooo we are getting married in NY (civil ceremony) dinner with the family. Then we leave the next day to Jamaica where we will have a private ceremony for us only. On the beach, like my dream… No one seems to get it, a lot are still complaining, but I can deal with it.  Everyone wins in a way, and noone has to complain about going to a Destination Wedding.  I think it should be more what you want, not anyone else.

Post # 60
Member
1038 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

My Destination Wedding in Florida actually makes it more convenient for my family and friends from my home state to attend.  Instead of flying out to AZ, they can just drive the 5-6 hours for a weekend getaway on the beach.  My FI’s family will have to fly and they are thrilled actually. His father is retiring a month before our wedding so they are excited to be able to have our wedding as their first vacation of retirement. 

 

I have made it very clear to the few people invited(only immediate family and close friends and their SOs/kids) that I while I would love nothing more for them to be there, that I totally will understand if they cannot. 

 

I think couples should do what makes them happy ultimately.  It is THEIR wedding afterall.  Especially if they are paying for everything(meaning family not contributing to the costs of wedding…not travel for guests).

Post # 61
Member
369 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I had never anticipated having a Destination Wedding – I wanted your standard local wedding, and Fiance wanted to elope. Our initial guest list was 125 people that we “had” to invite. DW was a convenient compromise, but honestly, I got 2 months into planning my DC wedding on a shoestring budget and almost lost my mind. I work in event planning, and this was even hard for me!

So Destination Wedding it was, and we went into it sheepishly and hesitantly – scoping out people’s initial reactions, seeing how they responded… Honestly, our friends were the best. We had already been talking about a friends vacation to an all inclusive, and really, I basically just inserted our wedding into that scheme. So friends: check. They were on board! But we always made it very clear that everyone has budgets and time issues – hell, that’s why we’re doing a DW! So we get it if you can’t come, and we will certainly miss you. We also kept them up to date on flights, and when to book, and even got $50 vouchers to give out to put towards flights.

After 7 months of basically apologizing for this choice, our friends have made us realize that 1) they never felt pressured 2) they are actually excited to go on their own merits – its their vacation too! 3) they knew we cared about how much they spent and getting them the best deal and 4) you can’t  make everyone happy, no matter how or where you have your wedding.

Bottom line, I’m probably pissing someone off right now about this wedding, but I cannot control that. Notice I have not mentioned family here, as they were a bit of an issue, but overall it has turned out OK.

I can only act and do what I feel is appropriate and right, and if someone doesnt agree, well, I’m sorry. I’ll be too busy floating in a pool with my new husband and ordering a second mai tai to worry about it.

 

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