Post # 1
There are lots of posts on the bee about SOs who do questionable things. It’s rarely so black and white that everyone agrees how the OP should respond. So my question is, have any of you bees forgiven your SO for doing something that you weren’t ok with? How did you decide to forgive and move on? How has your relationship been ever since? Were you able to truly move on without thinking about it?
I’ll start. Fiance and I had a rough patch three years into our relationship for maybe 7 months (September 2009- April 2010) on and off. Nothing THAT bad happened, but he lied about it, which, of course, makes the initial thing that happened seem that much worse. I still think about it from time to time, but I try not to bring it up. The only time I’ll bring it up is when we’re talking about communication and honesty. I forgave him because he sought counseling, and what he did wasn’t that bad AND because he’s my best friend and I decided the good outweighed the bad. That was one of the hardest, most mature things I’ve ever had to do – weigh the good and the bad. Until then in the relationship, everything was PERFECT. What an eye opener.
Wow, that was long, sorry! Any other bees care to share?
Post # 3
My SO and I met online. Couple months into the relationship we mutually decided to remove our profiles from the site.
I found out months later that he did not. He had met all my friends by this point, and a very close friend found his profile, which was very embarrassing. I confronted him and he said he hasn’t been on it since he met me. After we decided to delete profiles I confirmed that he did, and he said yes. I was sooooo pissed that he lied to me and assumed he was still talking to girls. He promised me he hadn’t touched the website since we met. We logged on to his profile together so he could try and ease my mind, and sure enough he had messages from girls trying to get to know him dating back to when we first started dating, he hadn’t opened any messages!!! I was sooo relieved, but why would you lie about something if you have nothing to worry about?
Post # 4
Even the worst things we’ve said to each other, we’ve forgiven. But I will not stand for cheating under any circumstance. Or physical abuse. Which he’s done neither of. We just fight and say bad things, but the distance gets to us at times.
Post # 5
There are some things I can never forgive, such as violence and cheating.
I cheated on my ex. So I know whats behind the cheating. Was I thinking about him at all while it was happening…no I didn’t. That that was a huge sign of how much in the toilet our relationship had become.
My Fiance and I have forgiven each other for things. When we first got together it was on again and off again. We both rebelled against each other and the heartache we both caused each other. Should we, shouldnt we. He was my superior and it all became very complicated.
After a long time, we came back together, we made a concious decision that things would be simple. We forgave each other for the craziness. And now when we have disagreements, or talk openly and have deep and meaningfuls the bad timess of those crazy days NEVER come up. We have forgiven each other and moved on. Neither of us use them as ammunition in the future. They just do not matter at all to us.
I think you can forgive your partner and come back from many different things. But you need to search your heart and see if you can find that forgiveness in your heart. And once you decide to forgive, you can’t drag it up to use when you are upset, because that is neither far on your partner or yourself.
Post # 6
Right, there are some things I would never forgive like violence or emotional abuse. But most issues in a relationship – even cheating sometimes – are rarely black and white. I read a great novel over the summer that made me think I could even forgive cheating under certain circumstances. I’m just wondering what/how other bees have forgiven. Forgiveness is such a sign of strength and maturity (and obviously I don’t mean staying with someone who hits you, etc).
Post # 7
Bump. There must be other bees who have gotten over something their SO did.
Post # 8
My Fiance and I had a very rough start. I met him during his divorce and to say he was a hot mess is putting it lightly. He did and said things that shouldn’t happen and in the end I did decide to forgive. It was hard and I still have some insecurities due to his cheating, but I have 100% forgiven him. I had never been the type to want to work things out, but my love for him outweighed the pain and I knew if I didn’t try I would regret it. It still comes up sometimes when I let my insecurities get the best of me, but he too is forgiving and gives me the space to be able to work through that without feeling like I have to never speak of The Incident ykwim?
For some people any cheating and they walk and for others they want to stand by their comittment and try. There is no right or wrong- some people are equipped to be able to forgive and others could never let it go. As long as you are honest with yourself because staying when deep down you haven’t forgiven.. it will eat you alive.
Post # 9
My Fiance has an anger problem It’s never been violent towards me. But he is a powder keg when in the right mood (this does not happen frequently… maybe once every other month or so). I’ve had to forgive punched walls, screaming fits, name calling, etc. Again, nothing violent or dangerous to himself or others.
There have been several times where I have been brought to the edge. But I’ve been able to figure out how to work with it. I know what situations to avoid and how to work around his hard edges. And he’s actively working to make it better. While he doesn’t drink much, he doesn’t drink hard liquor because we did have one instance where I felt like alcohol elevated his mood. He also tries meditating and working out to relax. We also evaluate his stress levels frequently to see if it is appropriate or not. There are relapses. It’s not a happy tale completely. We are constantly working on it.
And that’s why I forgive him. If he wasn’t working to solve the problems, I wouldn’t forgive. If the situation was abusive or dangerous, I would flee.
Post # 10
I feel like it’s so easy for us to give advice to each other, but when something happens in your own relationship, you realize that situations are much more nuanced
Post # 11
I’ll chime in…my SO has ended things with me twice. Both out of the blue. Both just as painful. Both for shorter periods of time. The first time was related to old fears he had with relationships (ie, ours was going great, too great, and he got spooked). The second time was bc some gal pursued him, and he thought maybe there was something more. He went on 3 dates with her during our time apart, and came back approx 3 weeks later when he realized he made a mistake, and needed to GROW UP!
Most people would never tolerate this behavior or take someone back, but honestly, I think it makes me stronger. It makes my convictions clearer, because I never once questioned him. He, very quickly, became the ‘one’, but he needed more time to get there I suppose.
We are now working to regain the trust that was lost, thru couples counseling and communication, but I have forgiven him certainly.
Post # 12
My husband and I got in a terrible, terrible fight once. He called me a bitch, and when I tried to leave he stood behind my car and wouldn’t let me pull out of the driveway. I was ANGRY, and he was cornering me. Eventually he let me leave. It took a solid month for me to move past it, but we did. It didn’t happen overnight. There was a lot of stress happening in our lives at that time, but I didn’t feel it was any excuse and neither did he. I had to forgive, I did, I don’t hold it over his head and he has never repeated that behavior since.
Post # 13
Probably the worst thing he’s ever done is lie to me about a year ago. I found out on accident that he’d been using a substance recreationally that we had both agreed had no place in our relationship. I was really hurt by it, especially because he tried to deny what I knew was true. I was only willing to forgive him because I gave him an ultimatum. I was fully prepared to walk away if he chose this substance over me. Because he chose me, I’ve held up my end of the bargain and give him my forgiveness and trust. I’m glad I did it… I don’t think my SO is a dishonest man or a bad person, but he did make a major mistake.