Spinoff: How to verbalize to SO how waiting is making you feel

posted 1 year ago in Waiting
Post # 16
Member
4317 posts
Honey bee

lovebee15 :  +1000

 

This is the only sensible approach. You’ve obviously discussed this for some time, inasmuch as he would let you before shutting down. You were talking about a walk date 2 months ago. At this point I’d lay it all in the line and tell him that he can continue to do nothing but you’re going to leave. That’s not an ultimatum, that’s a statement of fact. Too many women let this kind of shit drag on too long because they’re afraid of being the horrible, pressuring girlfriend. 

Walk in around on tiptoe “more than a year?”,  “during the spring of next year?”, “bigger than a breadbox?” trying to get answers is the way a child tries to find out about Christmas presents. It should not be how an adult attempts to talk about the future with someone they love. But it is also the way that an adult speaks to a partner that she loves, but isn’t sure that love is reciprocated. 

 

 

Post # 17
Member
71 posts
Worker bee

girlfriendphd :  you’re on the ball. I agree ten million percent. It’s new day and new era and time to ask ourselves what makes us truly happy and empowered in our love lives. Women are no longer the man’s property and I refuse to believe that it’s just up to a man to decide the fate of our lives. I’m so much happier now and you know what, so is he! 

Post # 18
Member
1888 posts
Buzzing bee

newyorkweddingbee :  Sounds like you just need 1 more mature conversation. Something like, Hey we have talked about an engagement a few times now, last time we talked about it you said you would suprise me. I understand that you want to be able to suprise me but I need more specifics. I am not going to be able to enjoy it if I dont at least know a general when of when this is happening. Is this happening in the next 3 months? 6? Then see what he says. If he doesn’t want to give you a timeline than you get a little firmer. Ok well this relationship has two people in it, I consider your feelings and I expect you to consider mine as well. This should be exciting for both of us. 

If at the end of this conversation he isn’t giving you any timeline for when it will happen by then, or he gets defensive and angry, or if he tries to push it off a lot longer with another excuse you say something like this. ” I understand what you are saying and here is where I am at. I would like to be engaged by XX date. If we get to that point and there hasn’t been an engagement we will need to re-evaluate what we are doing and talk about whether or not both our needs are being met in this relationship. 

 

Basically you get push back, excuses, anger etc. from him you lay down your boundary. Pick a date where if he doesn’t propose by then you feel it will be enough time you have given him and you will break up with him and move on if he doesn’t do it by then. Don’t use the words ultimatum. If he calls it that he is just trying to distract from the issue and make you the bad guy. Don’t put up with that. He says something like that you just say, No it is not an ultimatum. I am a mature adult, I have goals for my life and I respect myself enough to walk away if something isn’t working for me. I am not willing to put an unlimited amount of time into a relationship without progressing to marriage. 

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