Post # 1
My fiance and I have very rarely shared a bed, because he’s a super light sleeper and I have kicked regularly during the night in my sleep and woken him up.
I’m worried what our kids will think: “mommy and daddy don’t share a room?” But I also don’t want my fiance to be grumpy all the time, which is what happens when he doesn’t get good sleep. Ideas?
Post # 2
For starters, kids can feel when a home is filled with love, even if an aspect of the home is “non-traditional.” If your child feels loved and feels harmony in the home and sees your fiancé and you expressing affection to one another throughout the day, I doubt she would care that “mommy and daddy don’t sleep in the same room”! So at least don’t stress too much about that part.
As for the kicking, have you considered that it could be Restless Leg Syndrome? RLS can be exacerbated by stress, so if there’s something going on in your life that’s stressing you out right now or causing anxiety, the kicking could be due to that. I think there are actually medications you can take for RLS, so it might be worth talking to your doctor about!
I understand your frustration. I used to straight-up punch my college boyfriend in the face while we were sleeping! I have no idea what caused it or why I would do it, but I was always so embarrassed. His solution was to just turn to face away from me as we slept so that I could only punch the back of his head. I haven’t done that in years and, as far as I know, have never punched my fiancé in my sleep! So maybe the kicking could be a weird phase that you’re going through that will eventually stop on its own.
Post # 3
Ditto to possible RLS or symptom of another health issue. I have ongoing issues with IDA & hubby says I kick like a donkey whenever it dips into the severe category.
Post # 4
If all health issues like RLS have been ruled out…
What size bed are you sharing? If it’s smaller than a king, switch to a king.
Do you have a memory foam mattress? That will help prevent movement transfer from one side of the bed to the other.
Have you tried a weighted blanket?
Do you run particularly hot when you sleep? If so, you could be kicking to try to remove the warmth of the covers. You could try a water cooled pad or blanket. My Chilipad is the best thing ever, and it also warms if needed.
Post # 5
Apparently around a quarter of households, have a separate bed arrangement in the US. It’s not exactly weird. But if it’s weird for you, I agree with PP suggestion to rule out anything medical related that could be causing the issue.
Post # 6
It’s possible you’re dealing with some sleep quality issues like not getting enough deep REM sleep. You could try taking a super low dose (as in .4 mg) of melatonin and see if that helps, maybe add some vitamin D, and make sure you aren’t waking up your brain with screens right before bed. I’m currently trying to break the habit of clenching my jaw while I sleep, and someone suggested self-hypnosis, basically imbedding the suggestion to relax my jaw in my subconscious so that my sleeping brain pays attention. I don’t know if that will work for kicking, but it’s worth a shot! It’s super relaxing, too.
As for your future kids, please don’t worry about that. Little kids don’t get the concept of what’s “conventional” (bless them), only what their parents convey to them. If you’re cool with sleeping apart and don’t fret about it, they’ll just accept it as normal.
Post # 7
If the problem is kicking, you don’t have to be in a different room. If they fit, you could have two beds in the same room (say, a full and a twin). You can cuddle in one bed and then one of you can move to the twin whenever you’re ready to sleep. A couple of body pillows down the length of a king bed can also separate your feet from your fiance’s body. I’d try pillows and melatonin first, since they’re probably cheaper and less disruptive than other options.
Post # 8
FWIW, I know a LOT of married/partnered couples who do not share a bed, or who do not share a bed 100% of the time. Sometimes, it’s due to sleep incompatibilities. Sometimes, it’s due to conflicting work/sleep schedules.
Growing up, my best friends’ parents had seperate bedrooms. I don’t recall any of us (her friends) finding it strange.
My spouse & I don’t always share a bed. We sleep in seperate rooms when one of us is sick, to try and avoid getting the other sick (and it usually works!). I’m on a pager rotationmonth (for a for my job, which means when I’m on call, I get middle of the night phone calls & often have to get up and work). When I’m on call, usually I’ll sleep in the guest room when I’m on call, so my spouse doesn’t have sleep disrupted by 3 am phone calls.
Post # 9
My parents never shared a bed – they were just honest with us that my dad snored, and my mom was a light sleeper. It was never weird to us. My husband will sometimes go sleep in another room when his snoring bothers me – a few times our daughter has noticed (the guest bedroom’s bed was messy, and the baby monitor was in there). I just told her “daddy was snoring and it was hard for mommy to sleep, and he loves me so he wanted me to get some sleep so he came in here.” I really don’t see anything remotely strange about that for kids.
Post # 10
After ruling out medical issues, I echo what another poster mentioned about trying pillows down the middle of the bed. My husband and I both toss and turn, but with a king size memory foam bed and pillows down the middle we both keep to ourselves. If you’re willing to invest the money, you could also consider buying two twin or full size beds and push them together to look like one large bed. You can each have your own sets of sheets but have one large duvet or comforter so that it’s not as obvious that you have two beds pushed together. If each bed has its own sheets tucked in you shouldn’t be able to kick him as easily.
Post # 11
from a kid persective. my 4 yo thinks is strange that him and his sister have their own room but mama and dada share a bed. he asked me if i wanted my own room.
Post # 12
No new suggestions here, but I’ll chim in because my husband and I are the same, but in opposite roles – I’m a light, terrible sleeper and he’s a violent cuddler (ie always wants to cuddle but as soon as he falls asleep he starts kicking and twitching and elbowing me in the head).
A king sized bed makes a HUGE difference for us. Separate duvets would really help too so you’re not kicking the covers off of him.
Post # 13
Kids dont give a shit about that stuff. And they aren’t born with some innate knowledge that parents share a room or bed and fuck each other to make babies, so they’ll be fine. If it doesn’t bother you, it won’t bother them. And if, when they are finally socialized enough and start learning about mommies and daddies sleeping in the same room and/or bed from some tv show or book, they actually give a shit that theirs aren’t, all you have to do is explain it to them in age appropriate terms just like you explained in a few sentences in your post here and just like, as a parent, you’ll have to explain a myriad of topics to your children, like bodily autonomy, sex, death, etc. I think a two sentence explanation about the importance of good sleep is the least complicated thing you’ll need to explain to a child. It doesnt warrant worrying about it years in advance for this so far mythical make believe child.
Meanwhile, if it does bother you and this question is just you projecting your insecurity about it on this fictional not even in existence yet child, then make an appointment for one or both of you for the appropriate medical doctor, therapist, sleep specialist to treat your myriad of issues.
Post # 14
I’m the one who is a light sleeper and my husband tends to sleep twitch and move around a lot starting almost immediately once he falls asleep. He also often ends up sleeping with one arm up which would simply be bizarre if he hadn’t also dropped his arm on my head in his sleep a couple times. Once, when we were dating, we were taking a nap, attemping to snuggle with my head on his chest and he suddenly shook me off of him, startling both of us awake. He told me that he’d been dreaming he was jumping off of a wall and him shaking us awake was him landing in his dream.
I agree with the posters suggesting a king sized bed and a memory foam mattress. I also have my own blanket in the bed (because in addition to his regular night time hurly burly, he’s an inveterate blanket thief). We also have pillows in the bed, which I used to support my arms and legs but which also help with creating a bit of a barrier. His newest thing has been using my pillows to rest his leg on, though, so it’s an imperfect science. I just laughingly tell myself that I’m so magnetic and he’s clearly so in love with me that he’s drawn to me even when he’s unconscious.
I’ve found that I’ve gotten better at sleeping over the years, too, though. In addition to our night time sleeping, we take naps together during the day so my own ability to relax myself and fall back to sleep has much improved. I used to be awakened (often startled awake, so I’d get an adrenaline surge) and struggle to fall back to sleep and that was what made me grumpy – me being awake and annoyed while he snored the night away. Now, I can tell when his arm is waving around in the air and I just push it down, rub his back, turn over and go back to sleep.
Post # 15
Can you just have separate beds in the same room? Like maybe 2 full mattresses? A king is as wide as 2 twins so you’d be getting more room than you’d get sharing a king…