(Closed) Spinoff: If you married in your 20s and divorced

posted 7 years ago in 30 Something
  • poll: What went wrong?

    Just too young

    Difference in values

    Not the person you thought they where

    Cheating

  • Post # 17
    Member
    561 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: September 2016

    I met my Fiance young, and we’ve been together since before we were even in our twenties. We’ve chosen to see meeting early as “bonus time”. We get to to take our time and a savour our relationship in way we likely wouldn’t do if we’d met later in life. We are very together, responsible, and happy, but we don’t see that as a reason to get married ASAP. We take things slow so we can work on other life goals while nuturing a healthy relationship. We have nothing to prove to anyone, and we’re very commited to living our lives based on our own timeline, not society’s time line, not our families’ time lines, not our peer’s timelines, but OURS. We’ve watched friends break up, get together, get married, get divorced, and have children, all while we move at our own pace. I feel like the younger you are, the more time you need to take. There’s a lot of growing, learning, and accomplishing to be done, in addition to having a relationship, so it can be hard. The younger you are, the more likely you are to not take the time to fully think about the consquences of your actions (aka marriage). Younger people have less life experience, and often can’t think of every little reprecussion for their choices. Are there exceptions? Always. I think people just worry about young people because, unlike more established people, we often don’t have as much to fall back on if everything goes wrong. If you are worried about being a statistic, you need to look inside yourself and think about why the statistics have you so worried. That’s where your answer really is.

    Post # 18
    Member
    133 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: May 2014

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    @208bride:  THIS. +1000000 excellent advice! I agree with every word. 

    Post # 20
    Member
    1798 posts
    Buzzing bee

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    @sequinlove:  It sounds like you guys are a strong couple, and that’s great! A lot of the younger girls that I know going into marriages haven’t even been with their SOs long enough to have been through a simple fight together. They get married when they are still in the honeymoon phase of the relationship, and then I think it all comes crashing down on them when they realize things aren’t always great. My SO and I recently went through a huge rocky point in our relationship to the point where we weren’t sure it was going to last, but we ended up getting through it and working it out together because we realized all we want is to be together. We had the choice to stick it out, but I feel like if we had been married at the time we would have felt forced to stay instead of feeling like we had the option. 

    Post # 21
    Member
    522 posts
    Busy bee

    My parents met at 14 and married at 21. I think there are always reasons for a marriage not working out and while age may be a factor, it is not always. 

     

    With that being said, some people who marry young find that they don’t develop and grow into their true selves until later in life. That’s possible whenever you get married though. 

    Post # 22
    Member
    309 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: July 2014

    I’m not divorced, but I can tell you from what I’ve experienced myself and with friends who were young brides. We all know that marriage is a big committment that is a lot of work. But what a lot of young brides think is that if they love each other everything will work out.

    What they don’t realize is that in our early twenties most people are not established financially/in their careers- and a lot of times people don’t realize that until they’ve grown out of that phase themselves. I so often hear, “well after I get married I’m going to ______” (insert life goal here). Not always, but often, it doesn’t happen once kids and life start happening. Next thing you know, you’re 35 and feeling regret that you missed out on certain experiences. When you’re married, it’s not acceptable to live by the seat of your pants and you’ll only appreciate having everything in your life turn into “ours” when you’ve had years of everything being just “yours.”

    Best of luck to the OP. you sound like you have a good head on your shoulders. Your marriage won’t work or fail because of a statistic. It will work because you and your DH will be fully committed to the marriage and to building a life together. 

     

    Post # 23
    Member
    3281 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: January 2014

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    @rachelmichelle:  I’m not totally sure about those statistics you presented–are they looking at marriages from recent decades only? Because things have changed a lot in the last 20-30 years, particularly marriage stability, which has been markedly increasing since the 1980s. I think this article hits on some good studies, but here is perhaps the most important statistic:

    For marriages in the 80s: 81% of college grads who married at age 26 or older were still married 20 years later. 65% of college grads who married under the age of 26 were still married 20 years later. 49% of those who married under the age of 26 and did not have a college degree were still married 20 years later. (So almost all of these are higher than the stats you presented! Yay marriage!)

    http://content.time.com/time/magazine/article/0,9171,1989124,00.html

    Post # 24
    Member
    435 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: November 2013

    @sequinlove: I haven’t divorced in my 20s but I will say that had I married by boyfriend at 21, I would have definitely gotten a divorce already. He was my hs sweetheart, 6 years together but we fought a LOT. I was very immature and so was he. I never thought I was wrong and neither did he. We were both stubborn. I wanted to have my freedom more than I wanted to make sacrifices to be with him. He was controlling and jealous and very self-concious. I had to choose your “just too young” option because that, to me, means lack of experience, lack of maturity and lack of readiness which are definitely some of the contributing factors as to why my exbf and I didn’t last.

     

    Post # 25
    Member
    252 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: April 2014

    @sequinlove:  

    My first marriage was when I was 25 and he was 23 and I loved him very much. In the end it got too difficult because we wanted different things. We were from different countries, grew up very differently and I wanted to live in my own country and raise my (future) kids the way I grew up rather than the way he grew up. Our break up was devastating for both of us but I guess necessary.

    Post # 28
    Member
    435 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: November 2013

    @sequinlove: PS I think the fact that you’re worried about this speaks volumes to you. Instead of being stubborn and saying, “I KNOW that we’ll work out because we have jobs and we’re mature!!!!” you’re being proactive. I think that’s a good sign. I don’t know how bleak statistically the picture really is for young couples, hell, I’m a young newlywed (25 years old) but I do know that if you love one another, grow up and mature together in the coming years and both work really hard to make sure your relationship lasts, you can DEFINITELY do it. Yes, getting married young is probably more difficult than getting married at 30 or 35, but that definitely doesn’t mean you can’t do it. You just need to reallllly know yourself, know what you want, what your husband wants and you both need to be willing to change and be flexible with one another. Good luck! 

     

    Post # 29
    Member
    522 posts
    Busy bee

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    @sequinlove:  They are! So it does work out, no matter what statistics may say!

    Post # 30
    Member
    3315 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: October 2009

    When I married for the first time, I was 23 and he was 27.  I was working my way through law school by working as a law clerk.  He had his Master’s degree already, and had been in his career for several years.  So he was the older man who could advise me. 

    Twenty years later, I was a partner in a major law firm, and clearly knew more about my own career than he did.  He felt like I didn’t need him any more. He really didn’t know how to go from a mentor/mentee relationship to a partnership of equals.  And unfortunately, no matter how determined I was to make the marriage work, it takes two.

    So I think there are advantages to marrying later, that don’t have to do with how “mature” you are.  At the same time, no one gets any guarantees.

    Post # 31
    Member
    633 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: August 2013

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    @208bride:  your opinion is as biased as the rest! I daresay no one intentionally stands up in front of friends and family saying “I do” (….”for now!”). I hope your marriage stands the test of time, but there’s just this thing called hindsight, and something to be said about the way you think about life in the world at 20 compared to 30. If you end up on the chopping block like 50% of Americans, I hope you can eat some humble pie. And if in the other half, count your blessings instead of saying neener-neener…

    The topic ‘Spinoff: If you married in your 20s and divorced’ is closed to new replies.

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