(Closed) Spinoff: If you married in your 20s and divorced

posted 7 years ago in 30 Something
  • poll: What went wrong?

    Just too young

    Difference in values

    Not the person you thought they where

    Cheating

  • Post # 52
    Member
    3370 posts
    Sugar bee

    @sequinlove:  I can’t vote because I need multiple options. 1) I was too young. 2) We had serious differences in values, mainly raising children and 3) He wasn’t the person I thought he was (if I had known his true colors I never would have married him!)

    I’m not going to say you are or aren’t delusional. I will just say that the closer I got to 30 the more I developed as a person and the more I realized that we didn’t have a marriage to save. If I met him today, being who I am now and who he is now, I wouldn’t have made it more than a few dates with him let alone married him. But when I was 21 he was everything I thought I needed/wanted. He had a decent family. We had fun times. He was accustomed to the same lifestyle I had been brought up in. It seemed like an ideal match on the outside.

    I was slightly delusional (though I did know we weren’t a 100% match when I married him) and I really thought we could work it out. So I went all in. I never had any intention of getting divorced. I tried really hard to convince myself that I was happy even though after about 2 years of marriage I had never felt so alone in my life. And then I realized that it was a moot point. We had a pretty “normal” relationship I guess, I dressed and acted the soccer mom part and he tried to be a family man. But in the end there was something missing, something big.

    So I gave up my nice row house and my stainless steel tub washing machine and my financial security in the pursuit of real, honest to goodness happiness. It was a long, dirty, grity road getting here. Sometimes everything seemed to be going backwards. And yep, when I was homeless I certainly wondered if leaving over my happiness really was the right decision. When my exLTR was choking me or punching me upside the head I used to think I was so stupid for leaving my husband just to end up like this. But now, I’m 36 and I really am happy. And I can see the vast difference in this relationship compared to the first two . I wouldn’t go back to that marriage if he was a millionaire. I could never be happy with him.

    Post # 53
    Member
    351 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: November 1999

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    @208bride:  FYI, there are a lot of people who married in their twenties and ended up divorced who were just as put together as you are.  I married at 24 after dating three years.  My ex was 25.  We were both working lawyers making decent money who had graduated from very good universities at the tops of our classes… Certainly not the hapless couple you are picturing In your head as being doomed to failure.  I do not think all twenty something marriages are doomed.  Far from it.  My best friend and her husband married the year before us, have been married 15 years now, and are the happiest couple I know (besides my me and my husband now).  But I do know that I was incredibly naive at 24, despite my successes in life.  My ex while we dated hadn’t always been the nicest guy to me and I naively thought life would be fine because it always had been for me.  When he started treating me like crap and then cheating on me, I grew up really fast.  

    Post # 54
    Member
    534 posts
    Busy bee

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    @sequinlove:  Another thing to think about is the individual factors that contribute to divorce.

    Couples under 25 who marry, who are at or close to the poverty level, and are not college educated, have the highest instance of divorce. So, getting married young certainly doesn’t mean you’re doomed, especially if you are college educated and are financially secure. 

    Post # 55
    Member
    1769 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: June 2014

    I often think about this. Fiance and I will be 27 and 28 when we get married next year, and have been together since we were 20 and 21. Did I want to marry him back then? Absolutely! Am I glad we waited? Absolutely! I’m not saying that we would have gotten divorced if we got married young, but I think we’re both glad we had time to experience some of life without the added stressor of marriage. not that we ever did anything like hook up with other people…but I think it was important for personal development, AND our development as a couple to get to spend time really focusing on ourselves- living alone, growing our careers, traveling solo to Europe on a whim. Not that we didn’t have each other and our relationship on our minds then, but I think knowing that we had a choice to be together or not (vs the pain and cost of a divorce) made stretching ourselves easier. I don’t know if that makes sense or not…

    Post # 56
    Member
    253 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: April 2015

    I think it depends on when in your 20s…big difference between 20-22 and 25-29

    Post # 57
    Member
    1009 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: November 1999

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    @sequinlove:  

    Honestly, I don’t know. Part of me figured he was only ‘acting’ sweet and loving in order to get me to marry him, then once the ring was on the finger, he could go back to being a jerk. Another part of me thinks he might have just been jealous of my closeness to my family and friends, or maybe he had certain expectations of a wife that I didn’t meet. There’s no telling what made him change, I just know that he wasn’t the person I thought I had married. It was just a gradual thing, so it took some time to realize what an abusive controlling person he really was.

    Oddly enough, I actually get along better with him now than before since we divorced. He’s remarried (poor girl), but hopefully he won’t make the same mistake twice. Thankfully his new wife realizes I’m not some crazy psycho bitch and has actually talked to me online a few times. πŸ™‚

    Post # 58
    Member
    557 posts
    Busy bee

    @sequinlove:  My SO’s relationship pretty much mirrors what 

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    @flautadeoro:  said. He decided he liked her enough so he married her, when he made that decision he was 100% committed to being married to her for life. She changed and decided that he was no longer what she wanted (they met when she was 19, he was 22). Spent years treating him like crap threatening to leave before we met and he left her.

     

     

     

    The stinky thing is now he is gun about marriage- he is scared that I am going to change my mind about him just like she did. Umm NO! We are in our 30’s and perfect for each other and have a little one on the way. I feel like I have the perfect life with the perfect man-he needs to have a little faith that I mean what I say πŸ™‚

     

    That having been said- I have heard all the stories about 22-30 year old SO. I would have NEVER even considered dating him when I was 22-30. So it makes sense that she wouldn’t like the loving, genuine, honest to a fault mature, family man that I love so dearly today. His bestfriend’s wife and I always joke that we are glad we didn’t know them back then because we totally wouldn’t be with them today! haha.

     

    Post # 59
    Member
    4687 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: June 2013 - Upstate NY

    I just think back to “my soulmate” I was with for years in my early twenties that I was “convinced” I was meant to be with… I am so, so, so glad I did not marry him. I had a lot of other things to do, places to travel, people to meet and fall in love, before I settled down.

    Got married at 29 and wouldn’t have done it a day sooner. I truly think I would regret giving up so many experiences in my 20’s being with the same guy. Just my opinion!

    Post # 60
    Member
    309 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: July 2014

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    @Pepperwoodsy:  absolutely…. I try to picture myself as 23 , and know that compared to who I am now, I was not ready to make the serious committment and settle down. That’s not saying that its generally not a good idea, there are plenty of people that have made it work. I think when you’re young, you don’t realize the change that happens in you as you move through your 20s; it’s inevitable. 

    It also sounds like in some of the PP’s stories, it wasn’t necessarily the girls who weren’t ready, it was the guys? Let’s not forget that men typically mature later than women and may not be ready to commit where their girls are.

    Post # 61
    Member
    309 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: July 2014

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    @sostobe:  beautifully put. Please post this exact post over and over. I think most of us approaching 30 would fel the same way, with or without a catastophic accident. Props to you for seizing the day and making it a wonderfuly thing.

    The topic ‘Spinoff: If you married in your 20s and divorced’ is closed to new replies.

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