(Closed) Spinoff: If you married in your 20s and divorced

posted 7 years ago in 30 Something
  • poll: What went wrong?

    Just too young

    Difference in values

    Not the person you thought they where

    Cheating

  • Post # 62
    Member
    841 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: August 2015

    @sequinlove:  I think that there are a lot of 20-somethings who just don’t have it together and are immature. I’m 23 and my Fiance is 25, we’ll be getting married when we’re 25 and 27. I am the first of my friends to get engaged but, not to brag, I also am kind of the furthest ahead in life. I’m really not trying to make myself sound better than them or something, because I’m not, I’m just stating facts: I went to school for something that I got a job in immediately, which pays well and is full time and permanent. I moved away from Fiance for this job because we are mature enough to handle it. Almost all of my friends are either just starting another school program or working crappy jobs unrelated to their degree. Fiance also got a job in his field when he graduated and has been living at home saving money for coming up on 2 years. We also have noticed that some of them have no grasp on real life, i.e. one makes $16 an hour and bought a $30,000 brand new car last year. I make like twice as much as him and bought used. Sorry for all the rambling… but my point is that it’s about maturity level, not age. I feel like Fiance and myself are emotionally mature enough to get married because we’ve had to work through difficult situations (we’ve been long distance for over a third of our relationship, for example, moving apart 3 times and two of them were unexpected). To me you sound very mature and I expect you’ll have a wonderful, lifelong marriage. Congrats by the way! ๐Ÿ™‚

    Post # 63
    Member
    1377 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: March 2014

    When I read posts like this, people seem to talk a lot about how much money they make, how many degrees they have, whether they have a “good” job, own a house, etc. I wonder…what about the relationship? What about values, compatibility, communication, trust, respect? Because to me, if you have those things in spades, finances and education will never doom you and if you don’t education/finances won’t make a lick of difference.

    Post # 69
    Member
    1156 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: May 2014

    @sequinlove:  All of the poll options was the reason on my early 20’s marriage failed.

    I think that for me it was an unplanned pregnancy that kind of pushed the marriage idea.  Well……two children later and it was over.  Biggest reason was his cheating, but all of the poll items also played a part.  I know now, 20 years later that I had no business being married or having kids at that age.  I was just not mature enough.

    I think a lot of young people don’t give themself enough time to experience single young adult life.  They have kids, or get married and one or the other realizes that there is things that they have not experiened.  

    Not all marriages from kids in their 20’s fail.  My parents, were married 56 years when my mother died.  So I would say it depends on the couple, and how strong their commitment is to one another inspite of all that tempts them.  

    Life in your 20’s is a volitile time, the world is at your finger tips, and it comes at you so fast.  I don’t regret that divorce, it was a blessing in disguise.

    I think each of us has an equal chance of making marriage work, or having a marriage fail.  But I firmly believe that maturity is a huge part of making it work.

    Post # 70
    Member
    2890 posts
    Sugar bee

    @sequinlove:  I can’t speak from experience based on wedding and divorce, but I can speak from experience from my previous relationship (I was with my ex from age 17 to 26). When we met, we had similar interests, similar goals, but they were so far away in our minds … I knew I was going to university and at least get a bachelor’s degree, so even though we would dream about a house or traveling, it was out of reach. 

    I can say, for discussing a lot about this with my friends, that A LOT happens in our 20s, early 20s especially. Even at 24, we all looked back and couldn’t believe how much we had grown as adults, how our priorities have changed, how our goals have changed when expectations met reality, etc. 

    Over time, it just happened that my ex and I just didn’t grow at the same pace, didn’t share the same interests anymore, and when I started to feel ready for some of the life goals I wanted (such as, wanting to budget for a downpayment for a house, or travels, etc.) my ex wasn’t on board. He was a manchild, and over the years I had taken all responsabilities over my shoulders. It just crumbled as the fights about our life and lifestyle got more frequent, and one day I decided it would be best for the both of us to split.

    Now, do I think all people who marry young will get divorced, no. But they are certainly more at risk because as I said, you change a lot in your 20s, you live a lot of stress (finances, studies, career, etc.) you have less stability in life, which brings stress, which brings sometimes, unappropriate reactions (because we also grow emotionnally and become more mature emotionnally as we get older). I don’t want to generalize either, because there will always be immature 40-something, and mature 20-something. But from personal experience, and from talking to close friends, it’s something we’ve all felt and have all been through, so I think it might be representative to some extent, of this period in our life. I think this has a lot to do with divorce rates of people who married young, because life throws curves and young people are not always prepared or experienced enough to handle them, and it can impact a relationship on so many levels ! 

    That would be my instinctive answer to your question OP, but of course there is not just one answer. I simply based mine on how my relationship with my ex evolved, and how we both evolved as individuals during these 9 years. Hopefully you’ll prove the statistics wrong. ๐Ÿ™‚

    Post # 71
    Member
    183 posts
    Blushing bee

    View original reply
    @208bride:  girl…. you said it all! Love this response! People, especially on this site, love to blame the fact that their early relationships/marriages failed because they were too young, just because they do not want to take accountability for their poor decisions.

     

     

     

    And, in my opinion, many older brides in their 30’s+ on this website use the “too young” thing to make themselves feel better that they weren’t married earlier. My opinion. In my culture, people tend to marry young, it is very much the norm, and I honestly do not know of one uncle or aunt or cousin or anyone in my cultural community that is divorced. Not that that counts for anything, just saying.

     

     

     

     

     

     

    Post # 72
    Member
    756 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: June 2013

    View original reply
    @208bride:  +1

     

    I think getting divorced vs staying together is 100% rooted in maturity. I got married at 23 and DH was 29. We both have stable careers and support ourselves. Many divorces are rooted in money, so I think it makes complete sense that you would mention that you and your Fiance do well. A lot of people who get divorced pretty quickly say they knew going into it that something wasn’t right, or people change because they are immature when they get married. 

     

    Post # 73
    Member
    1218 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: July 2013

    View original reply
    @worldtraveler:  +1. I’m 25 and my DH is 31, and we are flat broke. I’m finishing up my Masters degree and he’s just started a Bachelors. We are completely different in terms of upbringing and education, but we have shared values and priorities in life and that’s what makes it work. Plus, we’ve been together four and a half years and our relationship has survived enormous stress due to our financial situation. I feel like we can handle anything. 

    My ex-BF (I was with him for four years) earned more than DH, was more financially secure, could provide for me etc. and I STILL have family members who think I should have stayed with him because of that, never mind the fact that he was emotionally, verbally and sexually abusive. My grandmother straight up denies that I was abused. I’m grateful every single day that I did not marry him.

    Post # 74
    Member
    2090 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: September 2014

    I am going to talk about myself here. I got married at 22. It was the first person and the first time I had ever fallen in love so hard. Anyway, he was an awful person. He was 13 years my senior, yet I was the mature one in the relationship. He lied about so many things, secretly did drugs, and physically abused me (the most immidiate reason for me to leave him). 

    I have to look at what I did to get myself in that situation. I did not have to marry him, and people warned me about him, but I wanted to be an “adult” and do what I wanted. I also put up with and accepted too much. He had wayyy too many problems. The time we spent together was very fast. It was a whirlwind romance, which I advise against… I did not give myself enough time to get to know him.

    To each their own. Some young couples stay married, some do not. It really depends on a number of factors. People break up for almost anything these days, but the biggest issues are money, differences is desires and future plans, and cheating. Statistics do not seem to be on anyone’s side, though…

    Post # 75
    Member
    2090 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: September 2014

    View original reply
    @littlebeanpole:  I have a friend who married someone like your ex… He is horrible. He started smoking like a chimney and drinking like a fish (he is now addicted to pain pills) during the marriage. They met in high school and married right after graduation. They are miserable. He has an excellent job with great benefits. For years he has abused the wife, verbally, mentally, and physically. She never hid the fact that he did that. Other than me, no one else has told her that was a good reason to leave him!!! Only now because he is starting to skip work and his pay is getting cut, and he keeps taking out pension loans, is everyone telling her to leave. Her own dad wants to beat him up now that he is not paying the bills. No one cared when he hit her so hard in the eye that she could not see out of it for weeks, or that he’s almost choked her until she passed out, and many other incidents. They have kids by the way. People have their priorities screwed up. I’d rather be broke and happy than rich and miserable. 

    The topic ‘Spinoff: If you married in your 20s and divorced’ is closed to new replies.

    Find Amazing Vendors