(Closed) Spinoff: If you married in your 20s and divorced

posted 7 years ago in 30 Something
  • poll: What went wrong?

    Just too young

    Difference in values

    Not the person you thought they where

    Cheating

  • Post # 78
    Member
    3370 posts
    Sugar bee

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    @thumpurr:  “I think a lot of young people don’t give themself enough time to experience single young adult life.” +1


    Post # 79
    Member
    1248 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: April 2012 - Chateau Briand

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    @FutureMRS3lastnames:  this exactly!but I do know that if you love one another, grow up and mature together in the coming years and both work really hard to make sure your relationship lasts, you can DEFINITELY do it.” couldn’t have said it better myself. 


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    @208bride:  I do agree with you that age is not indicative of marital success and that it most certainly depends on your maturity level. That being said, what I am at odds with in your post is that while you do mention you have obtained your bachelors degree (which is nothing to scoff at, congrats on your achievement!) you don’t really know where you are going with the rest of your life. You mention you may be student teaching, you may get a full time job or you may go back to school. I’m not saying you have to have that all figured out before marriage, etc but it seems at odds with the idea of having it all together. You seem to rely on your FI’s achievements in his career, etc instead when describing your financial successes rather than what you have independently outside if who you are as part of a unit. 

    Post # 80
    Member
    802 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: May 2014

    You need an “all of the above” button, lol. i got married at 19, we were both military and thats kind of the thing you do bevause you want to get out of the dorms and have independence, however i did fall for him, we courted for a year, and come to find out he was a habitual liar, and was nasty borderline hoarder type….very unclean house, very immature, just not ready for the responsibility. i ended up getting pregnant 3 months after we got married so i was somewhat stuck because i was falling out of love with him but now i was carrying his child. so i did my best to make it work, however once my son turned 2 i couldnt do it anymore. took me 10 years to find my now husband but its been worth the wait. we both had to mature and know what we want and have life experience. i dont judge anyone that gets married at a young age but i just try to share what happened to me. i tried to warn all my cousins and now theyre all divorced and miserable. im sure it can work out but im more on the side that you need to live a little…and not rush…

    Post # 81
    Member
    2513 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: February 2015

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    @lizzypoo96:  Thanks.  I wasn’t sure my post was totally understood.  

    I wish someone had told me that at 20 or even 25. Young 20 marriages can totally work, but I think that the rate of change makes it harder on the couple.  Both parties need to understand each of them will change a lot in the first few years of marriage and to accept those changes and focus on growing together, because its quite easy to grow apart.  I never said anyone shouldn’t marry or should wait for a specific age.  I think that got a bit overlooked. 

    Post # 82
    Member
    1218 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: July 2013

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    @bebelicious1:  I’m so glad you got away from him. I feel the same about my ex – he was four years older, I met him when I was 15, yet he wanted to drink, party and stay out all the time whereas I was the “mature” one.

    Post # 83
    Member
    2890 posts
    Sugar bee

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    @sostobe:  Yous message is so beautifully written, it got me emotional. I am sorry for your accident, but it seems like even though it changed your plans and your life significantly, that so many positive things happened to you afterwards. I can totally relate to the ”we change so much” in our 20s, that’s even how I would define the whole decade : a decade of change, and even though I thought I knew everything and had all sorted out at 20-21 (I was also mature, but not as much as now, and now less than tomorrow), I didn’t. And unfortunately, we allowed change in our couple, but it made us grow apart. But it’s okay too.

    Looking back, I don’t see my relationship with my ex as a failure, it was a learning experience, and he was my first everything : first love, first sex, first appartment, first car, first responsabilities, first ”common-law” situation, etc. We learned a lot from each other, and about ourselves as adults. He was the man of my dreams, the man of my life, and one day I realized I wasn’t happy anymore. Not because he was a bad person, but simply because I believe we had a trip to make together in this life, the trip lasted 9 years, but at the end there was nothing more we could bring to the other, and the trip had come to an end. And my Fiance is now taking me somewhere else. I often say, my ex brought me from a teenager to a young woman ; and my Fiance is bringing me from young woman to woman. Maybe the same will happen in the future with FH, it doesn’t mean because I’m 27 that I have all sorted out (definitely not !), but while I would never say to anyone ”you’re too young to marry” (it’s not for me to decide), I’d still be honest and tell them what’s to be expected from their 20s, because really, I didn’t (and neither did my friends), had a clue what it would be like, when we were 18 and chatting about our future, and imagining what would our life be at age 25. I don’t regret anything though. One challenge at a time. And life will never stop bringing us challenges, whatever our age. 

    Post # 84
    Member
    2490 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: July 2018

    I got married in my early 20s because it was the “thing to do”. We had a house and a dog and everyone was telling us that it was the next natural step to take. Honestly, I wasn’t 100% sure at the time but I figured that we would make it work. We needed up growing apart more than I ever expected two people could, I thought that we had grown up together since we had been together during that phase of life but, nope. We became so different that it was like we didn’t even recognize each other from who we were when we first started dating. 

     
    We divorced around 3 years and it was the toughest and best thing I have ever done!

    Post # 85
    Member
    2513 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: February 2015

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    @NauticalDisaster:  Thanks.  I recovered very well and I know how lucky I am, and the accident was a decade ago now!  Whoa.  A decade.  Crazy.  I remember getting to the 1 year anniversary and basically flipping life the bird.  I was still here.  Now its just something that happened, part of the story; its a sad tough chapter, but just a chapter.  What you said is exactly what I was thinking.  🙂 

    Post # 86
    Member
    2539 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: April 2018

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    @howsweetitis:  You may be onto something there- most of the data was collected for the report in the 1990s, so I assume they are including some marriages from before the 80s as well. The report is published by the CDC and is available here: http://www.cdc.gov/nchs/data/series/sr_23/sr23_022.pdf

    I might venture a theory, however, that the reason that marriages might appear more stable now is because fewer people are getting married. According to this article from CBS News, approximately 48% of children are born out of wedlock now, which is significantly higher than what you would have seen in the 70s. (In the late 70s, for example, about 31% of children were *conceived* out of wedlock, and about 50% of those mothers married before the baby was born.) So there’s been a kind of marked cultural shift now where marriage isn’t as important to as many people when it comes to having a family- society in general now tells us that education and getting established in our careers is more important to do first.

    The article is here and actually does mention something about the increasing stability of marriages since the 80s. 🙂 http://www.cbsnews.com/news/almost-half-of-first-babies-in-us-born-to-unwed-mothers/

    Post # 87
    Member
    120 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: October 2014

    This is all I know, coming from my own life experiences. I know four couples who married in their early 20s. One of the couples is just as in love as the day they married, if not more. The other three went through nasty, messy divorces. Everyone I know who married after age 25 (10+ couples) is still happily married, some with children. Do with that information what you will.

    Post # 88
    Member
    2090 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: September 2014

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    @sequinlove:  This is a question that I am ALWAYS embarassed to answer. When I said it was fast, I meant fast. We were together for like 6 months prior to marriage. After marriage, I kicked him to the curb in about 2 months! He seriously had to go, he became incredibly violent and crazy.

    Post # 89
    Member
    633 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: August 2013

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    @208bride:  When did I say the word “young” or “college” or any of that? You are not hearing what anyone else is saying. I think there are also other cultural values at play. Having grown up near where you did (if 208 is what I think), I get that, but you don’t have to be mean about it. That, and I made what I now know to have been a mistake when I was young. I was so blinded by my own opinion I couldn’t even pretend to integrate what others were saying into my formulation of life, love, and making a forever promise. I’m not saying you’re one of those people, but I didn’t think I was either.

    Post # 90
    Member
    56 posts
    Worker bee
    • Wedding: May 2014

    I’m not sure how much age really has to do with it. People grow & change through all ages of life and it is up to both individual in the relationship to communicate, grow, and nuture both themselves & their relationship. Of course there is going to be divorce no matter what because that doesn’t happen & people cheat, are not right for each other, etc. etc. Don’t compare yourself to the “norm” or what is expected of you. Do what is right for you.

    Everyone is different. In my immediate family there are 5 siblings.

    Oldest sister is 34

    youngest brother is 20

    Even between us there are so many differences. 

    oldest sister is going on her second divorce and is already in another serious relationship (with the same type of guy she has divorced twice) & has 3 kids.

    middle sister just got married for the 1st time to a guy she knew less than 4 months. They are struggling.

    Older brother is married to 1st wife but their relationship is struggling now. He is 31 & been with her since they were like 16.

    I’ve been with my SO since I was 17. About to turn 30 next week. I’ve had struggles in my relationship but we are actually both on the same page & really communicating great now (we didnt when we were younger). He has really grown up in the last 2 years.

    Youngest brother has never had a girlfriend at all. He is really senstive, shy, and has a hard time with talking to females. He’ll get there but I may have to help him out. 

     

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