Post # 1
The other thread got me thinking, where some bees didnt think that disclosing cheating was necessary and is done to make the cheater feel better, not the spouse, so it may not be the best option.
I opperate on treating others like I want to be treated, and for me, I want my SO to be 100% honest, so I would also be honest. I would absolutely want to know if my SO cheated, a one time mistake, or an ongoing affair. I feel that I deserve to know so that I could make a decision if I wanted to stay or not. It should not be up to him to decide whats best for me to know or not know.
If I cheated, I would tell my SO. I could not hide something like that, so in a way, part of it would be for me to feel less guilt, but not the main reason of why I would tell him. I just feel that I respect him enough to allow him to make the decision if he would want to stay with me.
What about you guys?
Post # 3
100% absolutely. So I can cut off his balls with rusty nailclippers – and I’ve told him that.
We’ve always said, if you love and care for me – and things get to that point where you are wanting to look outside our marriage, care for me enough to leave me first.
Post # 5
@teabiscuit: “I just feel that I respect him enough to allow him to make the decision if he would want to stay with me.”
Post # 6
Yes! I would want to know if he cheated on me, so I could decide to stay with him or not.
Post # 7
Yes, I would definitely want to know.
Post # 8
Well sure. By not telling me, you’re taking away my choice to decide whether or not that is something I can forgive or not. You’re subjecting me to being clueless about possible Save-The-Date Cards I may have been exposed to. You’re putting me in harm’s way intentionally, both physically and emotionally.
Post # 9
Oh absolutely. Trust is number one in our relationship, and if we don’t have that than we have nothing.
Post # 10
omg, yes! I would want to know, just like I think anyone else would.
Post # 12
@KatyElle: THIS. Respect me enough to give me the choice of forgiving you or not.
Post # 13
Absolutely I would want to know. You never know who the other woman is, or how psycho she may be….all I need is some woman showing up at my house with my kids in it, pregnant or something horrific like that.
Post # 14
@KatyElle: Yes, this.
I also have the right to make an informed decision about how I want to continue forward. One of my husband’s and my greatest commitments and promises to each other is to always remain honest with each other. Even if the truth is a painful one. I would also expect my husband to be honest with me BEFORE there was ever any cheating if he was unhappy or thinking about it, as we believe in turning to each other other, not away from each other or to others.
ETA: I have been cheated on in the past, and finding out from someone else was almost just as bad as the cheating. My husband also was cheated on in the past and his ex told him during counseling…two-three years after the fact. He has said that finding out the relationship was based on lies for that time was as bad as the cheating. He was done that very moment.
Post # 15
A relationship is a decision, almost contract-like, that two people enter into. It’s based on love, trust, honesty and a desire to share lives. When you cheat, you say those things don’t matter as much as your immediate gratification.
If my SO cheated on me, I would want to know. If he stepped outside the bounds of our relationship, I would need to decide for myself if I was willing to rebuild us. When you cheat and don’t disclose, you’re not showing any respect. Once again, it’s all about you. “I want to stay in this relationship, I don’t want them to hate me, What will everyone think of me, etc.”
The fact is, when you cheat you have done irreversible damage, whether or not you fess up. I would rather be emotionally destroyed temporarily than live with a cheater, liar and coward.
Post # 16
Yes, because if he would not tell me (and I would find out), I would be furious to think that he didn’t respect me enough to tell me the truth. To find out from someone else would be horribly insulting, like I was too dumb to find out.
If he cheated, I wouldn’t expect to feel like he loved me or liked me, but I at least want the courtesy of his respect as a FRIEND. Keeping something from me is something that an enemy does.
In the words of Kelis’s song “Bossy”:
You don’t have to love me,
You don’t even have to like me
But you will respect me.