Post # 1
This is a spinoff of the post by the guy who’s pissed that his girlfriend had a FWB on the side when she “made him wait” two months to have sex. I found it really interesting that it turned into a discussion about whether or not exclusivity has to be explicitly agreed upon. What do you think?
Will put in my 2 cents after I see some of your responses. 🙂
Post # 3
@Pisces: I think at some point there should be a discussion. People are looking for all different kinds of relationships… and unfortunately those don’t always match up with what their partner is looking for. However, if someone is OK with dating multiple people at the same time, I don’t see why they shouldn’t be honest about it from the start. I think the expectation should be on that person to tell their partner what they are doing, rather than on the person seeking a more traditional type of arrangement.
Post # 4
@Pisces: I definitely think that being exclusive needs to be discussed and agreed upon, not assumed. Yes, some people are into dating multiple people at a time and some aren’t, but the fact is, people DO have the right to do so when commitment hasn’t been agreed upon. If it hasn’t been discussed, monogamy is not an implied guarantee.
Post # 5
Yes, I’m a firm believer in having an exclusivity conversation. Assumptions should never be made, they only come back to bite you in the ass. It doesn’t have to be some big conversation and agreeing to be in a relationship for me, but before I sleep with someone I make sure we’re both on the same page and not dating/sleeping with other people.
Post # 6
I think if you expect something in a relationship, it should be discussed. Doesn’t matter if it’s exclusitivity, kids, marriage, etc. My rule is, if I can’t openly talk about it with that person, I don’t want to be with him.
Post # 7
@housebee: +1. Gosh, I have to be faster so you don’t keep stealing the words out of my head.
I absolutely believe that exclusivity should be discussed and not assumed. It would be easy to assume you are the only one when you are one of many. If a guy is hesitant about committment, then it is important for the gal to know that. I would never want to be with someone who I couldn’t have open communication with and whose expectations didn’t align to mine.
Post # 8
I think if you’re just dating then it should probably be discussed. I think if you’ve agreed to be in a relationship then exclusivity is implied – and if you are someone who does not feel this is a requirement of a relationship then you should be the one to discuss that with your partner.
Post # 9
@MrsPanda99: lol don’t worry I think the same thing when I see your posts. Then all I can muster up is just a +1 🙂
Post # 10
I agree that there needs to be a conversation. I think that’s why so many bees thought that the OP of the other thread was being ridiculous – and that’s not even taking into account the immaturity and sexist undertone of his subsequent posts, but I digress.
Exclusivity should never be assumed, I think – that’s how feelings get hurt. People are free to do what they want with who they want when they are single. Personally, I only want to be with a man who wants me all to himself, so he needs to request exclusivity, or else I’m free to go out with other people. I may not necessarily be seeing a few people at a time, and I’d certainly only sleep with one man at any give period in my life, but I am well within my rights to do what I want and date around until exclusivity has been requested and agreed upon.
I actually ended a relationship over this, and this was also one of the big signs that showed me my SO is a keeper. I was dating this guy that was perfect on paper – handsome doctor, 4 years older than me, easy to talk to – when one night, a couple months into dating (like, 7 dates later) he took me to his place. He wanted our relationship to progress physically and I told him I was okay with that if we were exclusive. He gave me a noncommittal answer that were very ambiguous, so I asked again. After not getting a clear answer and asking for the third time, he flipped out, put the brakes on what we were doing, and we had a (very calm but tense) fight. He said it was implied that we were exclusive, that he didn’t have time to see anyone else because he worked such long hours and was frequently on call. But I knew that he was still logging into his online dating profile (which is how we met)…and he said that his BROTHER used his account.
Come on, now.
He went on vacation after, and when he returned, I broke it off. There were other things wrong in the relationship too, but this was the main issue. Nothing is implied or should be assumed. If he had been sleeping with someone else while we were dating, I wouldn’t have liked it, but I wouldn’t have thought he was in the wrong because we weren’t exclusive! I’d only expect him to be exclusive with me after we promised each other we weren’t seeing anyone else.
With my SO, he made it very clear that he liked me right away and that he was looking for a serious, committed, long term relationship. He asked for exclusivity after our second date and I happily agreed.
Post # 11
One of the key parts of a relationship is communication. So I see it as, how can you have a relationship if you haven’t communicated that fact to the other person? Everyone dates in totally different ways. Some are monogomous from the first date while others grow attachments but monogomy is harder to come by. You can never assume that someone is thinking the same way you are. That’s pretty much living in a land of wishful thinking and fantasy….oftentimes, I find, because the person knows if they bring it up, they actually will get rejected.
Post # 12
Yes, it should be discussed.
Post # 15
I voted maybe, but that doesn’t do my answer much justice. Actually, exclusivity should be discussed, especially in adult relationships. My “maybe” only came from my experiences with how high school relationships pretty much assume that the couple is exclusive as soon as they go on a date. Honestly, that set-up can work (it did for DBF and I; he was my boyfriend and I was his girlfriend as soon as he asked me to go out with him), but more often than not, I can see that assumption causing a lot of heartache.
Relationships should require more communication than assuming, especially about something as important exclusivity.
Post # 16
How many men have had the time of their lives when they’re with a girl that is afraid to seem “needy” and won’t have the talk with them?
A lot of men will allude to the fact that they are in a relationship with you but will have all kinds of wiggle room if exclusivity is not discussed.
If you want to be in a real, honest-to-god, exclusive relationship then it must be discussed.