(Closed) Spinoff – is it my responsibility to tell the bride/groom of food allergies?

posted 8 years ago in Food
  • poll: How do you let the couple know of dietary restrictions?

    The couple should put something on their invitations to let them know of restrictions

    It is up to the guest to let the couple know

  • Post # 62
    2184 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: August 2013

    well I think its both….

    The B&G made a mistake by not asking on the rsvp especially when they were having only one option. I personally have never received an invite with no line saying “please indicate any allergies/ restrictions”….OR at the very least a listing of the meal choices to choose from.

    We had one “main meal choice” for our wedding but we also had 6 courses….we had the line about allergies because I had already known about several myself and figured there would be more….our caterer made special meals for all those people who had restrictions….

    Having said that I also think its the responsibility of the person with the allergy to notify….this was awkward yes because they didn’t give you a place to… but if I had a shellfish/or peanut allergy I would have just written on the bottom of the rsvp **just a note that Jane is allergic to shellfish**

    If it was a close friend or family member I would just tell them myself HEY whats the deal for allergies lol… but if its someone you don’t really know/or are that comfortable with I would make sure I was responsible in telling or else you could end up getting sick/or with a crappy ass “whatever they can throw together in that second” meal :s

    I think its the same thing as notifying someone your vegan (not just vegetarian)…. if it’s impt enough for you not to eat something and your not 100% sure of whats being served, one cant just make assumptions right? I mean we had allergies for cinnamon, corn, dairy, bbq sauce, celiac people, vegetarian, nuts etc etc….

    I guess the point is, any B&G should have some sort of method of asking…I mean the wedding you went to, they truly made a faux pas….but given you never really know what ingredients restaurants use for their dishes I would think the person affected would be on top of it!

    Post # 63
    1184 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: June 2013

    I think it is up to the guest to let the couple know if they have serious food allergies to something that is being served. However, in the same turn, I do not expect the B/G to cater to my ridiculously long list of food allergies.

    Because really. the B/G can try to work with allergies, as can the caterers, but still, things slip through.  If you had food allergies, and go to a catered event, I think in some cases, you have to be ok with going without food if its unsafe for you.  Heck, I even had an allergic reaction to the food at MY wedding, and I had a tasting ahead of time and thought it was “vetted” and good to go since I didn’t have a reaction (at all) at the tasting.  

    However I think the BG in your case brought it on themselves by having only ONE dish and that one being seafood/shellfish.  There are so many people with serious shellfish allergies and who dislike seafood/shellfish.  I tried to accomodate potential allergies/food sensitivities and vegentarian lifestyles at my wedding, all within reason.


    Post # 64
    299 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: June 2014

    I put it on my rsvp cards, but ultimately, I think it is the guests responsibility. I have to let the venue know beforehand. 

    Post # 65
    6533 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: February 2014

    I think it’s up to the guest. I know about the restrictions/allergies of a few close friends/family so we made sure they were accommodated, but I have no idea about anyone else and I can’t guess. So the guest needs to tell the couple. 

    Post # 66
    248 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: October 2013

    @ButterflyButterfly:  I think it is your responsibility, unless you are super VIP. The couple is trying to plan a menu for the greatest common factor and your are outside that. They may not know/remember your allergies.

    The only ones we considered at our wedding was my Mother-In-Law. She isn’t allergic but has a condition where if she eats seeds/nuts/celery/etc she gets very ill. So we made sure things like salsas were on the side and not in salads, crackers didn’t have seeds, etc. I avoid gluten but didn’t make my own menu fully Girlfriend (I am not Celiac, just mildly sensitive). That was it. If someone had let us know of something, we would have tried to accomodate, of course, but we didn’t have the bandwidth to check with everyone.

    Your health is always your own responsibility, IMO.

    I do remember your post though, and I think it was very strange that she did ONLY seafood dishes and there were no options. Tons of people simply don’t like seafood. So that part was strange. I’m glad the venue helped you out!

    Post # 67
    2354 posts
    Buzzing bee

    It’s the guest’s reponsability, same if he or she is vegetarian or has other forms of intolerances (gluten, dairy products). 

    You could argue that the couple should think about that in order to be a gracious host, and put a line somewhere on the RSVP, etc. Most couples do, actually. But being all into the planning of a wedding, we know it’s the kind of info that can just slip through the maze of planning, of catering choices, of trying to choose food according to the majority’s tastes, etc. There’s so much to think about that putting a space on an invite or RSVP card can simply be forgotten without any intention of being inconsiderate to the guests. The guests’ job, however, is rather easy : accept or decline the invitation, and indicate if they have an allergy or intolerance or diet that might be incompatible with the menu (even if they haven’t seen the menu). I would think if an allergy was bad enough (ex.: peanut or seafood) that you would deal with that issue on a daily basis, and that it must be a concern every time you eat out, then you wouldn’t forget to mention it. I also wouldn’t assume the couple knows exactly who suffers from which allergy. 

    Post # 68
    149 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: January 2015

    I think its the guests responsibility and they should feel free to write it on the RSVP even if there isnt a space. 

    The reason I say this is because as someone with no allergy at all I may forget to ask. Also there are a LOT of different allergies, its difficult to ask about them all. 

    Post # 69
    1781 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: June 2014

     Of course it’s your responsibility! And I’m allergic to tree nuts and peanuts, I ALWAYS notify the person hosting the event. It’s just stupid not to. They’re not responsible for being psychic, and you’re the one who would suffer if you ate the allergen. I don’t think it gets any more obvious.

    Post # 70
    5995 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: November 1999

    @ButterflyButterfly:  In your particular case – when the bride and groom are only serving one dish – it is the responsibility of the bride and groom to check; or at least notify people that there is only one main and it’ll be shellfish.

    I don’t see why you’re responsible, unless you knew ahead of time that they were only serving one dish. You can not be faulted for expecting there to be a choice, and expecting to be able to have something other than shellfish.

    For normal weddings (where there is a choice), I don’t think either has a responsibility. The only exception would be severe allergies, or allergies to a lot of things; and in that case the guest should tell the hosts.

    Post # 71
    2028 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: June 2014

    I think it’s the guest’s responsibility to inform the couple, but at the same time, the wedding you described only had one dish, which to me seems rude that anyone would pick ONE dish and then have something like shrimp in it. Not only is it a common allergy, but not everyone likes shrimp! If I were only serving one dish, then yes, I would ask my guests if they were allergic to anything in it. Since I’m serving multiple dishes and the options are listed on my website, I expect guests to let me know if they have an allergy…but I will say that I know all of my guests personally and I know who is vegan, who doesn’t eat rice, who won’t touch a vegetable, etc.

    Post # 72
    4145 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: August 2012

    @ButterflyButterfly:  I think it’s your responsibility to tell someone, but if I had a shellfish allergy I probably wouldn’t have sais anything because I’ve NEVER been to a wedding where shrimp was the only choice. Their food was just crap, end of story. 

    Lesson learned for you I guess for the future but I still doubt you’ll really run across this again 

    Post # 73
    823 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: August 2013

    We asked people on ur rsvp to tell us if they had any allergies. One girl didn’t, and she had to find my dad (the cook) in the middle of the reception to ask what was safe for her to eat. It was definitely awkward and annoying. I absolutely think its the guest’s responsibility to tell the bride/groo about any allergies, especially if they are to common items. For shellfish though, I get why you didn’t think it was a big deal. Its weird that thats all they served, I’m not even a piky eater but I wouldn’t have eaten much at that wedding

    Post # 74
    1161 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: June 2015

    I think this can go both ways. The bride/groom should have more than one option for food, and the guest should also be understanding if they still have an allergy problem with multiple options. My Future Sister-In-Law, for example, is vegan and she just makes sure to prep ahead of time for any big events where there won’t be a lot of food choices. She eats beforehand, goes for safe options like fruit and bread, brings a granola bar in her purse, eats afterwards if she’s still hungry, and just focuses on having a good time at the event. It’s just something she’s used to. Her boyfriend also has a MAJOR seafood allergy. He can’t even eat something that was cooked on the same grill without going to the hospital, so he does the same thing. I think with the amount of stress the bride/groom are likely under, guests have to be a little forgiving. The couple still paid to put on a great event for the guest to enjoy, even if the food didn’t work for them.

    Post # 75
    573 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: October 2014


    @ButterflyButterfly:  the host, most def. this is our RSVP and just as some people ask beef, chicken or veg, I think it is information the host should request because they need the answer to provide their invited guests with appropriate options. 

    Post # 76
    524 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: October 2011

    As someone with a few different dietary problems, I always take responsibility for 1) letting someone know and then 2) being prepared in case.  I get that this is a weird one – I definitely wouldn’t expect only shellfish to be served.  In my situation, (GF AND DF), it happens quite often that I’m left without a lot to eat, so I’ve gotten used to it.  If I’m going to someone’s house for dinner, I’m always proactive about it.  I’m also proactive about it as a host, but I really think it comes down to the fact that I have to deal with it myself.  If food allergies isn’t something they have to deal with often, (especially considering there are quite a multitude these days), I can understand why it may have slipped their minds.

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