(Closed) Spinoff-No Thank You Cards-Rude?

posted 7 years ago in Etiquette
  • poll: Did you send Thank You Cards?

    Yes

    No

    Other-Explain

  • Post # 17
    Member
    13611 posts
    Honey Beekeeper

    Etiquette says three months, not a year for thank you notes.  Some places say a year  for  sending a *gift*, not a thank you note.  A gift is always voluntary,  but that is also pushing it, IMO.

    If there are no extenuating circumstances, I would consider anything over 3 months too long for  a thank you.  Better late than never, of course.  It is considered  perfectly appropriate to call to check and make sure a gift was received.  Packages are stolen or lost, sometimes. 

    As to the other thread, thank yous are for gifts.  It’s unnecessary to send for attendance alone and possibly inadvisable as it could look as if you’re trolling for the gift you never got. The reception and a personal thank you for coming are considered appropriate.  Besides, although it’s not really necessary for a wedding, it’s the guest who is supposed to thank a host for the wonderful time, not the other way around.

    Post # 18
    Member
    4845 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: August 2013

    It could be that they’re waiting for photos to make photo cards. That’s what happened to us. I would give it more time. Did they have anything up at the wedding by favors that said “thank you”? Some people do that in lieu of cards. It’s possible yours got lost in the mail as well. I think it’s impolite not to send them, but I don’t think it’s proper to mention it either. 

    Post # 19
    Member
    11522 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: May 2009

    View original reply
    @veryberry13:  

    I do not think that you should interpret this as rudeness, but, rather, as a possible misunderstanding of how much time the couple has (according to etiquette ) to send the note. I try to follow etiquette almost to the letter, and before I joined WB, I was always told that the couple has up to a year to send thank-you notes.

    I had an enormous, overwhelmingly time-consuming transition following my wedding, where I was working full-time, having a long-distance marriage for half of every week, commuting six hours every week between my two “worlds,” packing up the contents of and selling my house in my state, moving in with a friend and her family in my state after my house sold and until I could quit my job and relocate to be with my DH full time, searching for and buying and moving into a new house with DH and his kids, living out of suitcases while at DH’s old house and getting it ready to sell, having to be extremely busy on the weekends as well as throughout the week, because I was now a pastor’s wife and stepmother of multiple kids, etc. I barely survived the transition of just showing up in the right place at the right time and doing what I had to do for the first year of our marriage. Because I (now know wrongly) “knew” that I had a year to send my notes, I didn’t even begin working on them until about three months after the wedding, and I didn’t finish them until 11 months after the wedding. I never dreamed that this would be considered rude, given that I had always been operating under this (wrong but popular) understanding that I had a year to send the notes.

    The bottom line is, although this couple technically should have written a note to you by now, they likely do not know that, and one probably will be forthcoming. You may have no idea what stresses and transition they may be experiencing in their lives. Because of that, I would hold off on being upset or offended or asking them why you have not received a note.

    Post # 20
    Member
    344 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: November 1999

    View original reply
    @HappySky7:  All of this. I would wait a couple more months and then determine if said person is rude. Sometimes it takes a while to get the wedding pictures to make personalized thank you cards. Sometimes things get lost in the mail. If you don’t have a thank you by Christmas then I’d start to get judgy. 

    Post # 21
    Member
    12244 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: May 2013

    We went to a wedding, gave a card and gift, and didn’t recieve a thank-you until AFTER we sent them one for attending our wedding a month later!

    Which we thought was funny.

    Post # 22
    Member
    1052 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: June 2014 - Cedar Lake Cellars

    You should always receive a thank you card.  To me, there’s no excuse for not sending one eventually.

    I went to a friend’s wedding 2 years ago.  We traveled 2 hours each way, paid for a hotel, bought them a gift, and partied with them all night.  We never received a thank you card and I still think about it when I think about them.  I try not to, but I can’t get over the fact that they were so tactless.  My Fiance doesn’t care though, he’s completely over it.  

    Post # 23
    Member
    1589 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: March 2014

    Nah I’m still waiting on thank-yous for a June wedding.

    Post # 25
    Member
    469 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: December 2013

    @veryberry13:  even though it may be rude that you haven’t recieved a thank you card, bringing it up is also considered rude. I’d give her 3 months before I wouldn’t expect anything.

    The polite way to bring it up is to say “hey, I just wanted to make sure you recieved my gift(s)”. Either way I’d be generally concerned that she hadn’t and someone took it (etc.)

    Post # 26
    Member
    2555 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: April 2013

    I sent mine but I don’t give a damn if I don’t receive them.

    Post # 27
    Member
    11266 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: April 2012

    i have been to a couple of weddings where no thank you cards were ever sent.  i find that odd but i guess it happens.  i remember getting one thank you card a year after the wedding took place.  seriously, a year.

    op, it’s been a while but just wait and see if one comes.  give them the benefit of the doubt and maybe they are waiting on pics to make into thank yous.

    i wouldn’t bring it up though.

    Post # 28
    Member
    1007 posts
    Bumble bee

    View original reply
    @veryberry13:  I totally get it. I haven’t received a thank you yet from a wedding (5 months ago) that I was a bridesmaid in. We (BMs) paid for all of our hair, makeup, dress, shoes, travel, and accomodations as well a bridal shower and bachelorette. I gave a gift at the wedding (a card and cash) and have not received a thank you.

    Maybe 5 months isn’t that long but my feelings are hurt. However it’s not out of character for the bride. Her shower “thank-yous” were months late and they only got sent because another Bridesmaid or Best Man mentioned it to the bride.

    I wouldn’t go as far as to ask for one…but I’ve asked one of the other BMs if she got one yet because I start to wonder if it’s only ME she didn’t send one to lol (paranoid I know..)

    Post # 29
    Member
    668 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: October 2013

    You got them a gift, you should get a thank you card.

     

    I’m in the camp of if you just came to the wedding, but no gift, I’m not sending a thank you card. The reception is a thank you for guests. Sending a thank you without a gift can also be seen as pressure to send a gift.

    Post # 30
    Member
    13611 posts
    Honey Beekeeper

    Is it really bad that I went to a wedding last spring and immediately chalked up the couple  as people I’d never hear from?    They did manage to find time to cash our check.  

     

    Post # 31
    Member
    1143 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: June 2011

    My husband and I attended two weddings August 2012, and still haven’t receieved a thank-you. Granted we gave cash both times, but I don’t think of that as any less of a gift. I don’t find it rude, necessarily, but odd. Then again, I was taught to always send thank-yous for any gift receieved!

    At any rate, if you really want to ask, just do as others suggested and phrase it as “Just making sure my gift to you didn’t get lost…” or something like that.

     

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