Post # 1
Back to the issue of being hounded by the child afflicted. I’m wondering if any of it is regional. Is the pressure to have kids greater in some areas greater than in others?
I spent most of my adult life in a large SoCal city & have had very little pressure.
So, CFBC Bees:
Where do you live?
Do you feel pressured about having children, i.e. comments, questions, etc?
Do you think any of it is related to your locality?
Post # 2
I live in Sydney
I absolutely get hounded! Sometimes by well meaning strangers but mostly family who do not understand the extent of my barrenness. I have just as good a chance of birthing gold nuggets. Infinitely preferable too.
I don’t so much think it’s locality so much as cultural. The well meaning strangers are usually new to parenthood and have lost their minds as to what is respectful to say and as for my family- they’re from cultures of big breeders. CFBC is simply not an option. You have as many as you can and then hound them to have as many as they can too. It’s a cycle. They want to populate the earth with just their genetics
Post # 3
I have lived in all corners of America, major cities (LA, NYC, Houston) and tiny rural towns in the midwest and east. I have heard the gammit from support to distain. It did not matter the size of the town or location. People have individual opinions no matter where they live. I agree with dodobee:
, its cultural.
Post # 4
I agree 100% that it is cultural. I have lived all over the world and have found hounders in every corner of the globe.
In my culture family is everything so not wanting to have children (vs not being able to) is like saying a big FU to our people. And because our population numbers are so low it is often treated like an affront to our whole culture by choosing not to bring a child into the world.
Post # 5
I live in Melbourne Australia but grew up in Brisbane. All our friends here in Melbourne are mid thirties early forties. None of my close friends here have kids and never will so we never get pressured.
Wvery time I go back to Brisbane to visit however, we get harassed nonstop. my mum tells me we’re having children and it annoys me so much; she tries to lay the guilt on thick!
I love living away from the people I grew up with for this reason. They are all born breeders; we’re just not like that. We’re the type of people who will have a million pets but the thought of having kids makes me sad
Post # 6
I think it’s regional but also cultural . I live in a coastal city in Australia, but not a capital city. In high school, people would make comments like “(town name) is such a hole, I can’t wait to move to (capital city)”. Lots of my friends did and most of them are CFBC, living in urban settings, highly educated, making lots of money, etc. Fiance and I stayed because we would never afford to own property unless we bought here, and because we like to be close to the beach. I think a big part of Australian culture is the idea of having a family (meaning kids) and owning a house, and because my city is more suburban than urban, I think the type of housing lends itself more to people in that type of family. Lots of new housing estates are popping up around where I live, and the advertising is ALL about targeting people who have or want kids. Stuff like narratives about bringing your first baby home to a house on their estate, or offering a place for your kids to ride their bikes; photos of pregnant couples, smiling couples holding babies, etc.
I’ve already detailed all the rubbish I have copped in the other thread and don’t feel like going over it again, but yes, we definitely feel hounded.
But I think it’s cultural too. My friends from high school and I were part of a selective intake accelerated stream for gifted students – only one or two girls from my class have kids. Conversely, every female over 18 in my FI’s large extended family has at least one kid. They are first generation Australians of Maltese heritage, working class and most of them didn’t finish high school. So I guess culturally for them, it’s particularly weird and shocking to be CFBC.
Post # 7
I live in London, UK. I definitely agree that it’s cultural, and I also think it’s linked to intelligence. The more intelligent people I know have no issue with me being CF; the less intelligent do. I’ve also notices this trend online. Not sure location necessarily plays a part, though obviously some areas may have higher numbers of people from a certain culture/with a certain level of intelligence. Where I am for example, the less intelligent people’s tend to have lower paying jobs (or not work at all) so live in cheaper areas that they can afford, and you would get more stick in those areas as you would stand out being CFBC, as most other people there have kids young because they don’t have the capacity to question that it’s ‘just want you do’. More expensive areas tend to have a higher proportion of CFBC couples. Just what I’ve noticed
Post # 8
I agree with the intelligence connection. I have only received rude comments from extremely dim people. I have only experienced this kind of thing a small handful of times, there is one conversation that sticks out in my head in particular. It was with an extended family member and this person is just about the least intelligent person I know.
I did not take offense to his extremely rude (and potentially hurtful) words because he just does not know any better. He does not have the capacity to understand CFBC as a concept, he just can’t, and he can’t really help it.
Occassionally a more intelligent person might accidentally put their foot in their mouth but I’m generally forgiving in such instances. Just like I’d hope I’d be forgiven if I accidentally put my foot in my mouth.
Post # 9
- Wedding: October 2014 - Cape May
I live in a suburb about 25 min outside of NY. Ive noticed that number of kids correlates very much with culture. Among our circle though, we are the only ones that are child free. Any other couples that we have met that CF are working professionals or adults working towards higher education degrees . The friends that have kids- tend to be lower income or not working. Just what we’ve observed in the area.
Post # 10
Wow. Just wow. Some very thought provoking responses on here.
Post # 11
I live in a town in the south west of England, what could be suburbs I suppose. And yes, yes and yes you get bothered with hounding and comments about it. Luckily Fi’s immeidate family was ok with it, as well as my mum and brother. My mum has always thought I wouldn’t want children and it wasn’t a surprise to her.
Others however… My dad thought I was being selfish and ‘ridiculous’. I’ve had loads of the typical comments from strangers, aquaintances and co-workers. Which have varied like ‘You will change your mind when your older’, ‘You will never know true love until you have a child’ and ‘How can you be a real woman? All real women have children.’
I think it is totally cultural. Where I live it’s considered very uncommon to not have children, particiularly if you don’t want them. Even more so if you are a woman and have chosen to not have a child. Vast majority by my age have at least one child, multiple with most. Family is quite a big deal where I live, it’s considered often if you don’t have children then something must be wrong with you to not have done so. I think you get more CFBC in bigger cities here.
I also find it’s harder for women to be CFBC here than a man. A man says it 8/10 it gets shrugged off but if your a woman it’s almost like a crime to not want children. Often get the initial reaction of you must have something wrong with you and can’t have them. And then usually followed by rude and/or intrusive comments, with them acting like they’re superior to you somehow and your business is for them to know.
Post # 12
I’d just like to add that, no matter where you live in the world, it can be substantially worse when you live near family. LOL
My husband and I are CFBC and rarely get hounded for it. But, if I go visit extended family a few states away, I get the pressure and the snide comments from certain family members. My cousin and his wife, who recently moved back where they’re from, have *yet* to have kids and they don’t hear the end of it. Unfortunately, life was better when they lived in a different time zone.
Basically, some people just need to learn to back the eff off. Not everyone wants – or even *can* – have kids and the constant pressures and questioning and snide comments only makes things worse for everyone.
Post # 13
My husband and I are very fortunate to live in a diverse, integrated community in Illinois: different ethniticies, many LGBT families, and different cohabitating arrangements. Singles, marrieds, cohabitating, and CFBC people here. Further out in the more family-friendly suburbs (where our families live), we’d really feel like outsiders.
Post # 14
We live in the PNW. We are just waiting (couple things we want to check off the list first) but people from our super rural hometown are really laying it on thick to us lately – and we aren’t even very old! In the bigger town we live in now, everyone minds their own damn business.
The rural town we grew up in is really bad about it though. My mom ran into a friend’s mom at the grocery store, and the friend’s mom expressed her condolences that my mom doesn’t have grandchildren and said in a pitying way, “I sure hope it happens soon. At this rate, fourfrenchfries might not be pregnant until their ten-year reunion!” (From HIGH SCHOOL graduation!) That’s, like, exactly the time we are going to start trying lmao.
Our theory is (and I know it sounds awful!) that people who had kids too early (and now struggle to make ends meet) want people to commiserate with. Misery loves company and all that. My friends from high school always say “oh, you just wait till you have kids!” in this ominous and distant voice.
Post # 15