Spinoff: Secret wedding then 2nd ceremony later

posted 7 days ago in The Lounge
Post # 2
Member
168 posts
Blushing bee

Correct me if I’m wrong but isn’t this esentially the same question from the other thread? Also, you said, in this hypothetical situation, that you found out at the second event, so why the extra “option” about finding out before the event and declining? 

Post # 3
Member
201 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2019

It personally boggles my mind why people think someone else’s choice in how they start their marriage is any of their business. If people want to get married privately and then have a second ceremony and reception, so be it. It’s NOT ABOUT YOU. 

Post # 6
Member
168 posts
Blushing bee

The only time I have ever experienced this situation is when two younger people (18-19) eloped secretly as not to anger their parents with the full intent of feigning a wedding years later. Both couples I know that did that ended up breaking up (and, of course, divorcing) before they reached what their parents deemed an acceptable marrying age. They only came clean because they had to go through a divorce and needed their parents’ finanical help. 

I wouldn’t decline an invite I knew to be a second wedding, but I would feel weird about the lying if I found out about it. The above being my only personal experience with this, I’d probably side-eye if the circumstances were similar.

Post # 8
Member
8 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: May 2019

I honestly dont get what the big deal is? What gives the invitee any right to be upset? Its not their marriage and if they didnt help pay for the wedding/reception then what in the world is the big deal?

 

My husband and I got married a week before our actual wedding because we had a destination wedding in Dominican Republic and we did not want to deal with the paperwork that comes along with getting married overseas to make your marriage legal in America. Our parents knew and that was it. After the wedding his siblings asked us if we got married before and we said yes. They couldn’t care less and it did not make our wedding any less special. 

If any of my wedding guests get upset about that I would laugh. You are there to celebrate the union of the couple. It has nothing to do with you.

I also don’t think this is a hypothetical question but that’s just my gut feeling.

Post # 10
Member
1242 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2018 - Location

Lol I wouldn’t stop talking to the couple for this, how petty is that? I don’t care how/when people get married but I would definitely roll my eyes and think they’re weird and immature for not just being able to be honest with the people closest to them.

Post # 11
Member
8 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: May 2019

socalgirl1689 :  sorry I must have misread but you also edit your original post. To answer your question…no I would not be upset and I think it’s silly to even get upset unless this is your son/daughter who got married secretly. I’m not a parent but I would imagine that would hurt. 

In my experience, I never seen someone stop talking to a couple because of something like this. I have heard and seen people gossip about it though.

Post # 13
Member
6357 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

socalgirl1689 :  if they were close to me, I’d tell them it was hurtful that they lied and then move forward with the relationship. It’s not a dealbreaker for the friendship. If they weren’t close, I’d judge it similarly but not mention it to them.

If I found out beforehand, it probably would affect my choice to attend because unless they were local to me, that’s a huge expense in my friend/family circle. At this point we’re talking thousands of dollars for my family to travel, time spent from work, meals and board, etc. I’m not spending that kind of money on someone I know was lying to me for multiple years. Why should I? If they were local, then maybe, but probably just the reception unless they weren’t living as a married couple and the new ceremony was actually the one that was ‘real’ to them. 

There’s an idea on the bee that no one should judge others because reasons. Usually it comes from people who are being highly judgmental as they say it – the other thread demonstrates that. I make no pretense of that. It’s human nature and I’m judging everyone I interact with, at least a little bit. I have very little respect for big lies… why wait two full years to tell people you are married? What’s the benefit? It’s a strange choice, IMO, and not one I’d likely find laudable. 

Post # 14
Member
2035 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

People on wedding sites tend to go crazy about this situation, rending their hair and screaming about betrayal, deception, and lies. I find it completely ridiculous that anyone would be so affected by a situation that has nothing to do with them. I found out at my SILs after-wedding brunch that she and her wife were actually officially married the week before. My husband, her brother, didn’t even know. Guess what? It didn’t destroy our relationship. Shockingly, I still speak to them and the ceremony and recepetion that we attended were just as special and beautiful as they possibly could have been. At my first wedding, my ex and I got married at the courthouse, just the two of us, in the morning and then had another ceremony and reception that evening for guests. No one knew we had been married a few hours earlier and even if they did, I think it would have been super bizarre if anyone had “confronted” us about it. I would seriously be worried for that person’s mental health. The courthouse ceremony wasn’t a secret, it just wasn’t relevant to anyone, so there was no need to make an annoucement. I think it’s bording on the incredulous to claim that you wouldn’t attend a wedding if you knew that the marriage liscense wasn’t signed onsite.

Post # 15
Member
4018 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I guess I just struggle to understand the logic of being offended. People kept saying that people do this for the gifts? I dunno what people give at weddings in your circle, but a few china settings and enough money to *maybe* cover everyone’s food aren’t really worth some big elaborate lie, imo. In all likelihood there’s a better reason, which I don’t think is anyone’s business. 

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