Spinoff: Secret wedding then 2nd ceremony later

posted 2 months ago in The Lounge
Post # 16
6528 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

mimivac :  she’s asking about years before though, not days. It’s wholly different, IMO. Glad to know where this bald spot on my head came from, on the other hand. 

Post # 17
2222 posts
Buzzing bee

socalgirl1689 :  I said it before, I’ll say it again: it is self-centered to be offended about someone making a very personal, legal choice that does not concern you. It is no one’s business as to why they may have chosen to get married in secret. Someone’s marital status and the timing should not be a stipulation for attendance to a wedding ceremony [extreme emphasis on ceremony]. 

Post # 18
84 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: November 2016

We got legally married 6 months before our wedding. I lost my job, and with it my health insurance. So we had our officiant marry us so that I could get on his insurance as soon as possible. Feel free to call me immature or selfish or whatever you want but the few people at our wedding who knew. Did. Not. Care. One. Bit. We didn’t tell everyone because we didn’t want to deal with the judgment. 


6 years before we got married, friends of ours did the same thing–got married a year before their wedding due to health insurance issues. We found out after the fact, and once again we did not care. It didn’t diminish the excitement that we felt for them or the fun we had at the wedding and ceremony.

Post # 20
11952 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

I’ve been invited to a number of delayed receptions over the years and have been happy to attend them all. However, none were advertised as weddings. We knew the reasons in some cases and not in others. Nobody lied.

I’m not talking about signing of legal documents shortly before a ceremony in a religion or location where that is required and everyone is aware of the practice. 

Post # 21
6513 posts
Bee Keeper

socalgirl1689 :  I have two friends who set dates, planned big weddings, and then due to employment/moving/health had quick courthouse weddings two or three months before their already planned events to cover health insurance, etc. They were honest about it with the people close to them and nobody cared. It did not impact my attendance or gift. I’ve also happily celebrated at receptions with couples who eloped after-the-fact.

I have a number of very close friends. We discuss miscarriages and worrisome mammograms and have supported each other through seriously ill children and deaths of family members. We don’t lie to each other. I can’t see how anyone would care if a couple was married a month or a week or a day before the celebration. I can see how someone might be hurt if they found out someone they were very close to and honest with had been married for a year or two before their wedding and pretended they weren’t–not because the couple planned a delayed celebration, but because a lot of people value honesty in their relationships. Learning about it wouldn’t impact my gift or attendance but would likely impact how close I felt our friendship really was. Everyone is entitled to their own feelings, you don’t have to agree. ETA: I have noticed that the Bees recommending honesty tend to be the older Bees with more long-term friends and more life experience. 

This seems very personal to you, OP, have you married or will you marry before your celebration? 

Post # 22
2024 posts
Buzzing bee

OMG we’re still talking about this?!

Short version:

– about 12 people on Weddingbee care and take high personal offense

– the rest of the world doesn’t really give a shit

Post # 23
271 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2019

Why would I care? Who in their right mind would be offended about this?

The whole point is to get together with loved ones to celebrate a major life milestone. Why would it affect anyone’s judgement of the couple whether the celebration takes place immediately following the wedding or a year later? I don’t get it.

Post # 27
333 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2019

socalgirl1689 :  Due to a move and job change happening before the wedding that will result in a lapse in health insurance coverage for my friend who absolutely needs insurance (she has type 1 diabetes and insulin is expensive enough even with insurance, unaffordable without it), she will be getting married “in secret” about 2 1/2 months before her formal wedding. I’ll be performing both ceremonies 🙂 She is keeping their elopement private except to their parents for a few reasons I believe, but I know that a part of it is that they don’t want people to not come to their bigger wedding since they’ll technically already be married. I would have thought that concern was silly before these boards lol. I can’t believe that people care so much? I’d be delighted to celebrate my friend’s marriage even if it was their second ceremony. The quick formal bit and the more meaningful, “in front of our family and friends” ceremony are so different in so many ways. Next week, I’ll pronounce them legally “man and wife”, but the sacred, beautiful celebration of their bond will happen in September and I’m just as excited for that as their friend as I was before they decided to elope sooner!

People have their reasons for doing things that way, and it’s no one else’s business if they choose to keep it private. I think that feeling otherwise is honestly rather selfish.

Post # 30
3902 posts
Honey bee

I don’t  trouble myself with such trivial matters. They aren’t hurting anyone. My friend had 2 ceremonies, one out west with her family, one in the east for his family and their friends. And another couple I know got married because he was in the Army rangers officer and this way they could get housing together and she had housing when he was assigned to 2 tours of duty in the sandbox. They had a reception when he got back.

All good reasons in my opinion. I dont presume to judge this kind of life decision, particularly where it concerns people making a sacrifice for their country.

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