Spinoff: Secret wedding then 2nd ceremony later

posted 2 months ago in The Lounge
Post # 32
Member
8264 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

I do wish people on this thread would stop conflating not liking being lied to/deceived with being’offended ‘at other people’s marital choices. 

Nobody cares about the latter, nobody. It’s the former some of us don’t care for.

 

socalgirl1689 :  

Post # 33
Member
111 posts
Blushing bee

There seems to be so many exceptions to the rule of being upset about being “lied to/deceived” though, and seems very fact specific. It seems that when people are upset about being “lied to/deceived” they have a specific situation in mind (the couple is annoying generally, the couple are gift grabbing, the couple is not here for the “RIGHT REASONS tm”, the couple didn’t have health insurance/immigration/army reasons) and others who are upset that the upset people are upset have the exception situations in their mind. 

Also people seem to not answer the question from the previous thread about whether or not it makes you UPSET. Disliking something and being UPSET is different. So the answers seem to create arguments. 

Also people who are upset about being “lied to” and see many of the situations as being “lied to” will just not see eye to eye with those who do not care since those who do not care do not even see it as being maliciously lied to or deceived. 

To answer this thread’s question, my friend got married legally a few months before her religious ceremony. There were various life reasons that are legitimate. They got married in the religious ceremony months later, and it was always called a wedding. Especially because in her relatives’ eyes, the marriage wasn’t complete until the religious ceremony was complete. But she also did not tell many people about this because she worried there would be one or two loud folks who would just not get over the fact that they were legally married before the ceremony, and instead of just not coming to the wedding and dropping the topic if they were so upset by it, they would come to the wedding and be loud and judgmental. They did not advertise the legal marriage status, but they were not being malicious when not advertising it… No one was hurt physically or emotionally when the religious ceremony was done, and they are still amazing people who just wanted to celebrate and get married before their families, friends, and god… 

Great if you are upset and feel that these couples’ choices are an attack and deceit on their part. Since you are eager to judge, please don’t mind being judged also… Those couples are better off with you not attending the wedding ceremonies then. Take your victimized selves, be upset, and spend time going to weddings that you will actually bless and not judge. 

Post # 34
Member
9042 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

We were invited to a destination wedding. It was an expensive location and also not one we would personally choose to holiday in but we felt obligated to attend. This cost us 5 days of vacation time and about $5,000. Come to find out at the reception that they were married about 6 months prior. Yes I was pissed. Because I would not have spent $5,000 on attending a destination vow renewal. Sorry but that is my choice and the choice was taken away from me by my former friends who made the decision to lie.

Yes it changed the relationship. Why? Because I always distance myself from liars and  find lying an undesirable characterisric in people I want to associate with. I have no time from mistruths or trying to justify lying. If you lie to me then you are not trustworthy, why would I include you in my lifeif I can’t trust you.

socalgirl1689 :  

Post # 35
Member
7851 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

Wow. If this type of thing causes you to be so pissed that the friendship is irrevocably changed and you feel “robbed” of your precious time and money, then seriously, just stop accepting rsvps to weddings. you never know when a couple might pull the wool over your eyes so to speak so better to just stay at home and indulge in your ongoing self-righteous indignation from a distance.

I just don’t have enough eye rolls for such a dramatic reaction. What would it cost you to just take it down a notch and be happy for your friends rather than insist on being victimized by your own decision to attend a wedding or “marital celebration” or whatever you want to call it that didn’t go down in precisely the way you personally deem appropriate?  j_jaye :  

Post # 36
Member
7851 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

Those who don’t care just don’t see it as being lied to. Maybe cause we’re not going through life eagerly seeking out opportunities to be offended, particularly by people who have otherwise always been good to us, idk. What it comes down to for me is not viewing this type of thing as any of my goddamn business. If someone doesn’t tell me they got legally married before the big wedding I don’t feel “lied” to…I literally don’t feel anything. That info is about as interesting to me as the local weather report, and it’s definitely less relevant.   elderbee :  

Post # 37
Member
5401 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: July 2018

j_jaye :  Can I just ask how your experience was different because the legal aspect took place before the ceremony?  It seems odd that you chose to attend and spend the money willingly yet that one detail made it all not worth it to you, to the point of making these people “former friends”.  

Surely the important thing is the couple sees it as their wedding, not a vow renewal? It just seems like that isn’t something others can dictate, that is on the couple.  If they have gone to the effort and expense of planning it then they obviously don’t feel married until the complete the cultural aspect of a declaration in front of loved ones. 

I wonder why did you even attend a destination wedding in the first place? Actually huge amount of people get legally married at home if they are having a destination wedding as depending on where you get married it can be incredibly difficult to sort out making a wedding legal.  If someone is having a destination wedding in France for example it is almost never their “legal wedding” as you cannot get legally married there without spending 40 days in the country before hand. 

Post # 38
Member
9042 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

:_ zarr45 I had a destination wedding. Yep sure it would have been easier to take care of the legal side at home but it was our choice to pick the destination and so as adults we accepted that that came with consequences and more work. A wedding to me is where a legal marriage takes place. In my country and many others a religious ceremony is a legal wedding so there is no separation. If I was attending a wedding in a country where they were actually two seperate things then it would be common knowledge. But choosing to do before hand is very different to not having a choice in the process.

I do not prioritise a vow renewal as highly as I do a wedding. Same as I don’t prioritise a 24th birthday party as highly as a 21st or 30th. That is my right. It also my right to choose what I spend my money on. I would not attend a destination vow renewal. 

They are former friends because they lied. I do not trust adults who lie. If they lie about something like this then who knows what else they will lie about. 

Post # 39
Member
9042 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

And similarly I don’t have enough eye rolls for your hysteria around this. We get it, you have been all over these threads insulting anyone that doesn’t see it your way and making snarky comments. 

It is ok that you feel ok lying to your friends or being lied to. Great for you that you don’t care. But as plenty of others have pointed out they are not ok with being lied to.

I can be happy that someone got married and wish them well whilst still being pissed off about being duped into spending money I otherwise wouldn’t have. The lying is at the core of the issue and given that lie meant I spent thousands of dollars based on the lie is to me a big issue. As I said we felt obligated to attend. If we had known it was a vow renewal then that obligation would have been much less and we could have freely declined attending. But yes in hindsight we should of just rsvp’ed no but we trusted the information our friends were giving us. Silly us to expect honesty in our friendship right.

 

tiffanybruiser :  

Post # 40
Member
225 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2019

No stories to share but just wanted to say I’m so confused at all the responses I’ve read as I don’t understand the big deal about this at all! Weddings are about the 2 people getting married, if they want to elope and keep it to themselves no big deal, their marriage is not my business! I’d be excited to party, get a free meal and celebrate my friends or families marriage no matter when the reception is or when I find out, I’d be stoked for them either way

Post # 41
Member
7851 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

What was silly was your friends expecting you to share in their joy. They clearly considered their destination wedding to be the main event…it was not a vow renewal in their eyes, and it’s sad that you insist on minimizing the event and choosing to feel like a victim who got conned. *comment moderated*

Post # 42
Member
288 posts
Helper bee

j_jaye :   I feel bad for your ex friends who went through all this trouble and invited you to their wedding only to find out that a piece of paper means more to you than their ceremony. 

Post # 43
Member
9042 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

 

Great that they didn’t see it as a vow renewal but their or your feelings on this don’t trump other peoples. As I said it great for you that you respect lying so much but others don’t. 

 

tiffanybruiser :  

Post # 44
Member
111 posts
Blushing bee

j_jaye :  I grew up in a much more conservative country than probably you, and living in the US now, I still am not personally hurt and so victimized by different decisions to hold separate ceremonies. Don’t generalize your culture and other’s as being unforgiving and strict just because you personally feel so offended and have the need to keep downgrading what the destination wedding was for you. It was not their vow renewal. It was not their legal marriage ceremony or signing, but it was their wedding with friends and family they were not trying to guilt and scam and that they loved and valued. They weren’t lying to you or trying to make you poor or even have any negative malicious intent. Stop making intent where there is none. 

And please stop trying to make yourself feel better and gaslight that you are 100% happy for the exfriends. You clearly have cut them off and judge them so much and dislike them because you chose to spend so much on them and they don’t deserve it because you downgrade their wedding and think they are unimportant.  

Were all the other guests so upset too? Or have you not discussed with others?

Post # 45
Member
7851 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

Well, I hope you enjoy declining all future wedding invitations and sitting at home by yourself feeling superior, because that’s the only way you’re going to guarantee not being “lied to.” In the meantime, the rest of us will carry on living life and joyfully celebrating the happy milestones of our loved ones, rather than choosing to fester in manufactured drama by insisting on seeing malicious intent where there is absolutely nothing but goodwill. j_jaye :  

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