Spinoff: Secret wedding then 2nd ceremony later

posted 2 months ago in The Lounge
Post # 46
Member
9041 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

You are making a whole lot of assumptions. I have not down graded others culture or generalised my own. As I have repeatedly said it is great for them if they see that as their wedding but I do not. Their feelings or your feelings on this do not trump mine or anyone that feels the same as me.

And I am out because personal attacks are the lowest form of commentry and that is all the supporters of keeping it secret seem to be able to dish out.

 

blackpink :  

Post # 47
Member
49 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: August 2019 - New England

A family friend of ours got legally married about four months before her actual wedding for health insurance reasons. She told a few close friends and family members, but for the most part did not advertise it. I, personally, didn’t know until we were at the wedding and it somehow came up in conversation. I could not have cared less. I still considered the day of the ceremony their wedding day as that was the day they exchanged their rings, made their vows, and celebrated with friends and family. 

I don’t want to beat a dead horse, but I can’t believe that people get their panties in such a bunch about this kind of thing. If a couple has to sign some paperwork a few weeks or months in advance so that they, you know, have health insurance or something, who am I to judge or say that the wedding they planned isn’t actually a wedding now? To me, the wedding ceremony is a cultural/spiritual celebration and when the legal paperwork was signed is neither here nor there. I would not have wanted my family friend to go without health insurance for four months just so that her wedding day would be “legitimate”. I also don’t feel that I was entitled to know that they signed their paperwork ahead of time in order to ensure that I was attending an “actual” wedding. Life is complicated and messy and it’s not for me to stress people out even further by judging them for something that is so inconsequential in the long run. 

Post # 48
Member
920 posts
Busy bee

I had a college friend who got legally married 6 weeks before her Catholic wedding ceremony because her SO was in the military and they needed to be married for her to be able to move with him. I drove in from 3 hours away with another friend for the Catholic ceremony. We found out at the reception that they were actually already married – that part didn’t bug us – they made it sound like logistics.  What bugged me was finding out that my friend, who had converted to Catholicism for her husband and had gone on at length about how religious she was now (at times, lecturing my lapsed-Catholic friend and my-atheist self) had consummated the marriage after the legal ceremony instead of waiting until after the religious ceremony. It just seemed a little self-serving/hypocritical (we knew they consummated bc she got tipsy at the reception and she told us, btw). Were we angry? No. Disappointed? No. But my friend and I did kind of side-eye her given the whole history there. If they had treated the religious ceremony as the actual point that marked the beginning of their marriage, we wouldn’t have cared. It was the whole wanting their cake and to eat it too that was slightly annoying. 

Post # 48
Member
111 posts
Blushing bee

psyche1978 :  Oh that is indeed a bit side-eye causing. Putting such importance on the Catholic ceremony and being better than thou in religion/life and hoity-toity, but not actually treating it as important as they made it seem, since they consummated after the legal marriage. That’s just contradictory for that friend. Her judging you and your other friend about the level of devoutness and her actually essentially “living in sin” in the eyes of her god is not great at all. 

Post # 49
Member
1760 posts
Buzzing bee

j_jaye :  You said you felt obligated to go which makes it obvious you weren’t very happy attending in the first place. You were clearly looking for a reason to be mad at your friends and finding out about them getting married beforehand was a perfect excuse. Your friends are lucky you are no longer in their lives.

Post # 50
Member
925 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

 I’m shocked at the entitlement I see on here.  You might not agree with it or it might make you upset but everyone is free to spend their own money as they see fit.  That might mean that aunt doris isn’t going to shell out $2100 to go to your vow renewal.   An invitation is not a summons and you’re not owed anyone’s attendance at your wedding.  Since buying a house I have very limited money and I’m very careful how I spend it.  I didn’t travel for my friend’s reception only because I wanted to go on my own vacation instead.   I was still happy for her and I’m sorry if my decline upset her but life is short and I get to decide what I want to spend my money on. 

Post # 51
Member
1332 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2005 - A Castle

Yes, I have real life experience with this. No, I did not care and *gasp* we are still friends. 

 

Post # 52
Member
8261 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

I know what you mean, l only came back to say so. I just read a response to my – l thought- carefully worded post about the difference in not liking to be deceived and being  ‘offended’ and got told l was a person eagerly seeking to be outraged or some such crap. 

j_jaye :  

Post # 53
Hostess
9616 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2014 - Chicago, IL

Ok ladies, please keep the thread on track and be respectful. 

Post # 54
Member
2398 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

My friend got married before her big to-do for religious reasons. Sexually abstinence was important to her & her spouse, but they knew that it would be incredibly difficult to abstain for the several months prior to their public, small wedding. So they eloped. And then continued on with their small wedding several months later. It wasn’t about being “better” than anyone else, but rather not wanting to sin. Seems very reasonable to me. 

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