(Closed) Spinoff: Self Respect in Abusive Relationships

posted 6 years ago in The Lounge
Post # 32
Member
2036 posts
Buzzing bee

@MrsWe:  You are right but as a survivor, sometimes you don’t have any place to go.  You go to the police/family member/friend and you don’t leave right away….you just made you home life WORSE!!  Trust me I know!

I wish I had some place like this forum when I was going through my issues and built up my confidence to do so, because instead I created a s*itstorm in my life and I literally had to go into hiding, couldn’t even go to my HOME where I was paying the bills. 

Just sayin’

Post # 33
Member
60 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@DaisyBelle:  Took the words right out of my mouth. So much THIS.

 

Frankly, I grow weary of our tendency to shirk responsibility for the stuations in which we find ourselves mired. The bad childhood/haunted past justification can only carry you so far. However you began, at a certain point there has to be the realization that you are an adult, you possess free will, and by accepting another’s  ill treatment, you are allowing it. 

It requires strength to confront the stark truth of your predicament. Strength you will need to take with you when you leave.

Post # 34
Member
4305 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

@jilleeann:  yes, and I clearly stated that.

 

@stardustintheeyes:  I said that because it’s the truth. I’m not even sure which thread is being referred to, but it’s a fact you come to the internet you’re going to get a slew of opinions, warranted or not. I feel for abuse victims — I do & I would not have told this girl she has no self respect. But at the same time, others’ opinions & thoughts can’t be policed & we can’t assume all intention is bad because we don’t agree with the word choice or tone. 

Post # 35
Member
9098 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

Sometimes we need a kick in the ass to see what we’ve been blind to.

Post # 36
Member
12246 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2013

Well, abusers are pretty good at taking away your self esteem and beating you with it.

Looking back, I realize I had NO self respect in that relationship. But it was BECAUSE I was being abused! I wasn’t being abused because I had no self-respect. Get me?

So I don’t find “This would never happen to me because I have self-respect” very helpful!

Post # 37
Member
621 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

Those of you who say things like “you have no self-respect” and “you should know better” and “I would never stay” help contribute to the abusive cycle by being another person in the victim’s life (whether in real life or online) who puts them down, implies that they are stupid, or makes them feel crazy. You are DOING IT WRONG. End of story. If you’ve never experienced the cycle of power/control/abuse, don’t presume that you know more about someone’s situation than they do. Be supportive or be quiet.

Post # 38
Member
983 posts
Busy bee

@mchitt329:  

@happyheidi1984:  

@stardustintheeyes:  

These are really great points. Thank you so much for highlighting them. I know that when I read about situations like that I tend to get angry and annoyed that these things are still happening and there are still people hurting. I want to be able to tell the person that they are of great worth but they need to leave right now and sometimes that can come out in the wrong way because of how strong my feelings are.

Not that I believe that’s any excuse to make others feel worse about their situation. But I will definitely be more mindful of this in the future.  

Post # 39
Member
111 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@mchitt329:  Absolutely agree. And no, I am not a person who has been in abusive relationship. I will admit that I’ve been firm, and had “you need to grow up” replies to those crying about their ring not being big enough. But when it comes to sensitive situations like this I think people REALLY need to choose their words more carefully. And ask themselves if their advice or responses are even remotely helpful or are they just spiting of their initial reaction as if they’re an expert in the area.

 

Really great post. I’m all for giving people tough love but people really need to stop and think before posting on sensitive issues such as this. Even if the whole ” you have no self respect” were true, people must know that those words are only going to make the OP feel worse rather than empower….

Post # 40
Member
1170 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2013

I have to log in and comment here. Let me say that first off as a survivor and I do mean survivor of domestic abuse of the worst kind. My ex husband nearly killed me before and even after I left that staying in a domestic violence situation is often not a choice. 

First off they break you down from the moment they enter your life. You dont know when it happens because its a blitz attack and then a gradual tearing a way. You dont have a thought that doesnt pertain to them and their needs. You arent you anymore. You are doing everything in your power to hold off that person from becoming violent. You dont sleep and when you do sleep your waiting for them to wake up and hoping that if they are violent that you can get to the door fast enough to avoid the worst.

Next the isolation happens, if it hasnt from the moment he met you. He tears you away from friends, family, and anyone else thats close to you. Anyone who might be able to talk sense into you or tell what kind of person he is. Even if you think for a moment that you might want to leave, where do you run too? Often he has alienated all your friends and family.

Case in point. I left my ex husband after a very severe beating, he then called me while I was at the shelter and was sitting outside my parents house with a shotgun, along with a gas can, threatening to shoot my parents, siblings and then burn the house to the ground. What do you think I did? Call the police? No because knowing him, the police wouldnt have gotten there in time and my parents and siblings would be dead. I came back to him because I couldnt bear the thought of him taking out his rage on anyone else. I didnt go back because I wanted to, I went back because he would have killed them and I couldnt take that on top of everything else I was dealing with.

Often times they will hold your children hostage with threats. During a court ordered visitation my ex husband drugged our children, called me and told me they were dead and he was just waiting on me to show up. Had he left them unharmed I would have bargained my life for them. When I did call the police, he used them in a hostage stand off. That was after we split up. Do you know what it was like before we split? 

If I was one minute late from work I couldnt guarantee that he wouldnt take his rage out on them. Luckily he never hurt them til after we split and he lost all rights to them. 

So someone telling me that I needed to get some self respect and get myself out of that situation was not helpful. It wasnt tough love, it just reinforced that I was helpless. 

By The Way my attorney and even the military police have told me that if my ex should come near me, do not hesitate to defend myself because he isnt your garden variety abuser, he is a sociopath as well as a drug abuser, if I dont get him he will likely take me out even though its been five years and Im remarried. 

Post # 41
Member
621 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

@TexasSpringBride:  Thank you for sharing your story. Everything you said is so spot on.

 

Post # 42
Member
199 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

SUCH a great point, OP! I work at a domestic violence shelter and there is so much more to intimate partner violence than most people think! It breaks my hearts to read people’s responses because they are so insensitive.

Post # 43
Member
3367 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2011

@mariematt:  Exactly this.  

 

As a woman who lived with domestic violence for way too many years and gave herself “a kick in the ass” and left only to go back way too many times, I’ve had my share of patient, thoughtful advice and so-called tough love.  There is no room in domestic violence for tough love.  A woman who lives this way gives herself tough love every single day.  I wasn’t blind to the situation I was in or my own responsibility in being there.  I told myself constantly, “You’ve got to go!  Why don’t you just leave?  Where’s your dignity?  Where’s your sense of self-preservation?  How can you live like this?!”  My soul was shattered.  I had forgotten life on my own terms.  Tough love doesn’t heal and it doesn’t help.  Patient, thoughtful advice saved my life.

 

 

 

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