Spinoff: shame in parents paying?

posted 3 years ago in Money
Post # 2
Member
828 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

I think there’s pride in paying for it yourself. 

To elaborate, I don’t think there’s shame in taking money. I’m taking some money for similar reasons than you outlined. However, if that money were to be taken away, my fiance and I could still cover the difference. 

Post # 3
Member
551 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

Yeah I was a little put off by that, too. My husband and I were fortunate in that both of our parents offered to contribute. We also paid for a lot ourselves. In our case I think our parents also had visions of our wedding day (wanting to have a large number of family friends and extended family there, etc.) that we just wouldn’t have done if we were paying for the whole thing ourselves. We didn’t ask them for anything – they offered because they wanted these additions. I don’t think that makes us any less adult or that we should be shamed for it.

Post # 4
Member
5107 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: December 2014

I haven’t seen all this shame, not sure what thread you’re talking about…. 

But, I think it may stem from you basically showing off something that you didn’t earn. Kind of like the kid that rolls up to high school in the fancy car his parent’s bought. He’s showing off, but he didn’t do anything to deserve it. 

Now, I’m not saying that you’re deliberately showing off, but I think that might be where some of the distain comes from. 

Post # 5
Member
359 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

BeeLovesMTB :  I commented on that thread but I don’t think there is shame in having parents pay. Our parents gave us some money for our wedding because they wanted us to have extras that we were not willing to pay for.

However, if the parents aren’t happy about the wedding and the fact they are required to contribute then that’s a different issue and I wouldn’t take money under those circumstances. 

Post # 6
Member
1902 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

BeeLovesMTB :  Those who are fortunate enough to have parents who can contribute are lucky. My parents are gone, but even the smallest amounts from FI’s parents we were deeply greatful for.

Post # 7
Member
751 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

BeeLovesMTB :  Here’s my perspective: expecting your parents to pay (or taking advantage of them) is wrong. That goes for weddings, dinners, anything really. 

However, some parents want to pay for (all of, or part of) the weddings of their kids. I think in that respect, it’s essentially a gift. My parents paid for 80% of our wedding, and DH’s parents covered the rehearsal dinner in full, and Darling Husband and I paid for our bridal party’s attire, some decor, our rings, legal costs for license etc., bridal party gifts and parent gifts, and we also contributed straight cash to my parents to go toward the overall cost. My parents had always said they would pay for our wedding, and were excited to do so. Like I said, we would save up and then give money to them to do with as they wished in covering costs, and we were extremely careful not to go overboard either with their generosity.

Additionally, as they were paying, we used money we would have spent on wedding items and put it towards other things–mainly student loans–and paid aggressively on those. Our parents felt like that was a fair “trade.” We also paid for our own honeymoon in full, even though that meant waiting 8 months to go. We did it how we could afford it.

So to answer your question/post: no, I don’t think it’s shameful for your parents to pay as long as they’re offering. I think it’s shameful to assume they’d pay, and it’s awful to take advantage. And of course, if your parents were like on disability or other fixed income and you’re making a big salary then YES obviously it would not be okay for them to pay (but that would be an instance of taking advantage). 

I think the problem in the other thread where people were saying “don’t have a wedding you can’t afford” was that, the person–if I’m thinking of the right thread–was literally saving up thousands of dollars to pay off debt, and then was going to spend almost that same amount on a wedding. Obviously, it’s her money her choice, but the vibe I got was less “you shouldn’t have a wedding unless you can pay for every penny right now” but more like, “hey you just spent all that money to get out of debt, why not take the money you’d spend on this wedding that you’re saying you need to save money on anyway, and save that money, opt for a smaller more intimate ceremony, or save half and spend the rest on a trip for you and Darling Husband.” I think that’s the key difference. 

Post # 10
Member
459 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2017

I’ll have to go look for the thread, however I think the general subject little more nuanced.  In my opinion, there’s a difference between expecting someone else to foot the bill for a lavish wedding (which is not a requirement to get married) and accepting an offered gift.   

Post # 11
Member
5107 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: December 2014

BeeLovesMTB :  I’m not saying that you’re pretending to have paid for it and I’m not saying it’s shameful, I wish my parent’s paid for stuff too, I’m just trying to look at it from the side of someone who might look down upon someone whose parents paid for their wedding. People tend to respect people more when they support themselves rather than accepting help, especially for a luxury, it’s just a mentality. 

Post # 12
Member
275 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

I think part of the issue on that specific thread was that the family wanted them to hold off on a wedding they supposedly offered to pay for. This leads me to believe that the parents had issues with the union itself, hence people were advising her that they should pay their own way in that case.

As for the general concept, I don’t think it’s shameful to accept money when the parents are willing and able to contribute. Our families intend to pay for the majority; if the money falls through, we will be able to afford it. I feel guilty about spending a lot of money on the wedding, but it’s not like the family would offer it for another purpose. 

Post # 13
Member
644 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: A restaurant on the beach

I find no shame in accepting a gift. I am fortunate enough to have parents who have done very well for themseleves and who want to give me the gift of a wedding. People who try to make someone feel ashamed for accepting a gift are simply jealous. 

Post # 14
Member
2099 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

I think it’s pretty standard for parents to help out if they can. I’m 42 and if my parents wanted to contribute, I’d take it! I wouldn’t dream of asking, but if they said, “hey, mimivac, here’s a few thousand for your wedding,” I’d thank them and carry on —  I doubt anyone would find that weird or unusual.

Post # 15
Member
3434 posts
Sugar bee

I didn’t read that thread as people saying there is shame in parents paying. That bride was dealing with parents telling them to delay the wedding. Paying for the wedding yourself eliminates the need to listen to others’ opinions. People were telling her to plan a wedding she couldn’t afford so she didn’t have to deal with both sets of parents telling them what to do.

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