(Closed) Spinoff: the no plus-one thing – are you offended if I don't go?

posted 7 years ago in Etiquette
  • poll: Do you care if I RSVP no to your wedding because I'm invited alone (no plus one)
    No, I'm trying to keep my numbers down. : (68 votes)
    19 %
    No, if I didn't invite your bf I don't care to have you there anyway. : (18 votes)
    5 %
    Yes, I'm sorry I can't afford it! : (157 votes)
    45 %
    Yes, I was just waiting to see who would ask cause I can't invite everyone. : (19 votes)
    5 %
    Indifferent to your reason for not coming. : (42 votes)
    12 %
    Other, I'll explain in the comments. : (23 votes)
    7 %
    Yay its hump day! : (24 votes)
    7 %
  • Post # 17
    Member
    549 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: May 2013

    @zippylef:  Yep, if they don’t want to come, that’s their choice. I’m not going to fret too hard about it, unless it’s one of my closest friends. But our friends all have SOMEONE they know to talk to.

    Post # 18
    Member
    2692 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: November 2012

    I understand the no plus ones.  But for me, I allowed it for the most part.  Luckily, I got my numbers back and I am right on budget so that was perfect.  

    If you have no idea that your friend is in a relationship, obviously you’ll just invite the friend.  But in my case, for example, my bm’s sister was invited alone.  i had no idea she was in a relationship.  Apparently it’s serious as they just got engaged.  But even before I found this out, when she asked, I said yes because who wants to go to a wedding alone if you are dating someone.

    Now as for fi’s friend who is not in a relationship or even dating, he did not get the option of a plus one. Also didn’t give fi’s cousin a plus one because him and his girlfriend are addicts and since I HAD to invite him I did,  But I barely know hhis girl so I didn’t invite her.

    Post # 19
    Member
    2692 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: November 2012

    Oh and to answer your question, in the case of my bm’s sister, I would rather have her there WITh her date than to not have her there at all.

    Post # 20
    Member
    2496 posts
    Buzzing bee

    @bella128:  I asked SO about this after reading many posts on the Bee that say no +1 is acceptable for couples not living together, engaged, or married. SO has been to dozens of weddings, and he has always received a +1 no matter what his relationship status.

    He insists that we will do the same for our guests. If we are close enough to invite them, then we trust them to bring suitable +1s. Plus, isn’t it more fun for everyone if they’re allowed to bring dates?

    To answer your question, I would be highly offended if SO was not invited (or vice versa), especially because we are living together. Neither of us would attend. So likewise, I wouldn’t be offended if someone turned down an invite from me like that.

    Post # 21
    Member
    1086 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: October 2013

    Well I’m keeping my numbers down AND allowing them to bring dates. I don’t think it’s really fair when you’re inviting your friends and family and a lot of the people wont know anyone. So all the single friends we have (non families, not married) there is the option for bringing a date. We just cut out the people that didn’t have to be there. I’d rather our few guests be happy than have a lot of people we knew but didn’t care as much about be miserable because they were there alone.

     

    Same thing goes for kids. Kids are invited to our wedding. I mean I have 3 flower girls and 1 ring bearer. How is it fair that some can bring kids and not others? But I’m a bit of a people pleaser and it would make my day much better if others were happy too

    Post # 22
    Member
    2104 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: November 1999

    Before our invitations went out, I asked all of my single friends if they were dating anyone.  If they weren’t, they didn’t get a +1.  Our wedding is small and intimately sized, though, so they’ll know plenty of other people there.  When I had to track down the RSVPs of people who hadn’t answered by the due date, a few of the singles asked to bring a date (none of them are consistently dating anyone).  I declined their requests.  If they don’t want to share in my wedding day over not being able to bring someone I don’t know to my wedding, then so be it.  I’m completely fine with that.

    ETA: Everyone and their “+1” got invited by name, so there were no random guests invited for our wedding.

    Post # 23
    Member
    1623 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: July 2012

    I did not give +1s to single people, with the exception of my bridal party and the 1 out-of-towner who wasn’t going to know anyone else.  But at $200/person I was not going to let someone who knew other people at the wedding bring a date who they were not in a relationship with.  To me, it is unreasonable.  I DID try to make sure that I set up tables such that there wasn’t a “singles” table but also so that I didn’t have a table where everyone was part of a couple except for 1 person.  So yeah, sometimes I see posts where people say the bride is completely disregarding the guests’ comfort and I think “grrr! no! I tried hard, I just wasn’t willing to spend an extra couple thousand dollars for strangers!”

    Obviously, in your situation, you’d have gotten an invite according to how I did it.  I let anyone in a relationship bring their partner (if they had one by the time invites were sent).

     

    Post # 24
    Member
    143 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: January 2013

    @RexManningDay:  I’m on the same page as you guys – we didn’t give +1s, we invited any SOs that we know of, and are going to play it by ear for any of our single friends. If they are in a serious enough relationship to travel together (ours is a destination wedding), then I’m OK with it. But I didn’t want people feeling like they had ot go find a date. 

    Post # 26
    Member
    1659 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: July 2012

    Our single friends didn’t get “plus ones” to bring a “date”, but anyone in a relationship had their SO invited with their name printed on the invitation. (like “Dan Theman and Christie Christensen” not “Dan Theman and Guest”).

    I guess it’s a way of keeping numbers down, but I think you’re assuming people want numbers down because of cost.  For us, cost wasn’t an issue, but we just didn’t want random people at the wedding.  In the instance that you mentioned, you weren’t a random person, so I would think that they did have space or cost restraints.

    To answer your question: if I invite a friend and not their SO and had a good reason, it’s up to them…I would hope that they’d want to be at my wedding because they’re my friend, but if not, then I did what I could.

     

    Post # 27
    Member
    6255 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: August 2013 - The Liberty House

    We are invinting almost EVERYONE with a date, whether we know the date or not. I think the only people invited with no dates are my cousins who are under 21 (coming with their families) and my FI’s grandma.

    Post # 28
    Member
    3697 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: May 2012

    Yay it’s hump day!

    I considered every invite to be two people.  Yes I would rather invite “some random” than another person if it meant asking a friend to travel alone.  My singlest friends did not bring dates, but were more than welcome to bring someone to keep them company.  My cousins did bring their SO’s and I was so glad to get to know them. 

    Post # 29
    Member
    379 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: July 2013

    I’m inviting everyone with a date but my take is..

     

    People have to keep their numbers low for lots of reasons. It’s not always about judging the seriousness of your relationship, sometimes it’s just not economical to pay an extra $100+ for a stranger’s dinner, especially if all your friends would then have to get plus ones.

    My opinion is yeah it sucks and everyone should get to bring a date, but at the end of the day it’s a few hours of your life and being without your SO won’t kill you. If you care about that friend that much, you wouldn’t miss her wedding over something like that. If I were the bride I’d be upset that a friend cared more about making a point (“I’m not going if I can’t bring a date!”) than being there for me on my big day.

    Post # 30
    Member
    6354 posts
    Bee Keeper

    I don’t understand the “no +1” phenomenon either. I would also never single-out my single friends to do this to only them, talk about rubbing it in. It’s just a freaking wedding is all, I’m sure my friends won’t be reminded of their singletude enough already!

    I really, really don’t get how it can be seen as polite. If the +1s are getting cut due to budget, the bride and groom are trying to fit too many guests in their budget and need to choose only more immediate people and their +1s, not treat their guests like chesspieces. “You’re in… but not you…but you two are both in…but not you…” =/ As much as guests want to be there because they value the couple, the couple hopefully also values the guests, and treats them that way. It’s never come up yet, but I’d never go to a wedding with no +1 invite. (Well, now that I’m engaged, I think Fiance should be invited by name, but you know what I mean.)

    Post # 31
    Member
    2103 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: April 2011

    I was invited to a wedding without my husband. I took zero offense. It’s a co-worker and she’s never met my husband. His feelings certainly weren’t hurt. I was happy to be there on her day. There were plenty of other coworkers there with me, so I wasn’t alone.

    The topic ‘Spinoff: the no plus-one thing – are you offended if I don't go?’ is closed to new replies.

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