Post # 47
I don’t know anyone really well that waited, but I have seen a few people I went to high school with start dating and get married in under a year. One couple dated 2 years before they got married, the others waited all of 3 months before they got married and they only waited 3 months because she turned 18. If she’d been 18 when they got together, they would have married sooner. They went to church with my brother and said that they were just too tempted to have sex with each other. According to my brother they have split up.
Post # 48
I think that people who reserve full physical intimacy for marriage are also more likely to reserve other types of intimacy for marriage– emotional, financial, spiritual, etc. They likely see marriage as the first step in making a lifetime commitment, whereas I see marriage as the last step. For me, a couple should know each other 100% and share their full selves with each other before making a lifetime legal commitment to each other, and that takes time. Though of course I also think there is such a thing as waiting too long to get married.
Post # 49
I do think those who waiting to be married tend to get married younger and faster. But I don’t think sex is always the motivating factor. I think certain relegions and people probably are a big part of encouraging getting married and being husband and wife over boyfriend and girlfriend.
Post # 50
@bmo88: I’ve felt that’s true because why else does it seem that it’s always super Christian couples who marry so much younger than everyone else? Everyone I’ve known who got married really young (like 6 different girls, friends of a friend so I don’t fully know their situations) are all heavily involved in church and were definitely waiting til marriage. I can’t imagine not knowing about that part of your partner before marrying but to each his own.
Post # 51
This is a really interesting idea that I haven’t thought of before. My husband and I waited to have sex until we were married, and we were together for almost 2 years before getting married. This is (I think) a very short time among many, but a long time among our community. We didn’t make specific plans to become intimate in the ways that you listed (emotionally, financially, spiritually) but we did and I think that it did make transitioning to marriage much easier. I do imagine that it would be harder to begin integrating those things and find out that you have serious disagreements after marriage. For us with the exception of living together and having sex our relationship is very similar now to how it was before we were married. We spent all of our time together, cooked meals, did chores, traveled, made financial decisions, attended church and family functions, made important decisions etc. We know another couple who waited and waited longer to get married than planned because of family issues. They purposeful used that extra time to make all the transitions that they could.
We also had very clear discussoins about sex. Of course neither of us had much experience but we were clear about how often we guessed we’d like to have sex (and were fairly accurate it turns out) and the types of things we were interested in and un/comfortable with. I think this helped us a lot. My guess is that some people who are waiting to have sex think it will be too tempting to talk about it, or that there is something immoral about discussing sex, which can lead to a lack of communication.
I definitely think that waiting to have sex encourages people to get married more quickly than they might otherwise. I agree with a PP that this can be good or bad. I know of some poeple who had very rocky relationships but ploughed on ahead and got married. One told me specifically that the reason they were getting married when they were was because they didn’t want to slip up and have sex outside of marriage, though they were planning on getting married anyway. On the other hand I know many other couples who were sure they wanted to marry one another, and felt that they and their relationship were ready, so they got married.
Another thing to consider is social norms. Like many PP have mentioned a lot of people are waiting for religious reasons, so most poeple they know did something similar and after a while this becomes what you expect to happen in your relationship. I think a lot of these couples also have a slightly different idea about how they want their marriage to be. It seems like a lot of couples wait to get married until they are established in their careers, ready to buy a house etc. but in our community this is not the norm at all. I expected to start out married life very humbly, which we did. We were college graduates and made sure that we could support ourselves on our own, but we had a very simple wedding (with help from our parents, which is also the norm for us) and lived on very little. But, that is what our parents did, as well as most of our friends, so it didn’t seem like an issue.
Post # 52
Yes, I think abstaining encourages couples to get married more quickly. And as someone said earlier, I also think having sex while dating encourages couples to get married more slowly.
When a couple abstains from sex, the line between dating and marriage is more bright. They likely also don’t live together, share finances and do other things that blur the line between a marriage and any other committed romantic relationship. Therefore, there is more motivation (if not urgency) to actually marry in order to markedly change the status of the relationship. I’ve heard many, many people (incl. Bees) say things like “we’re just like a married couple without the paper.” If that’s the case, then I can understand why that couple would not see any particular benefit to marrying quickly.
My husband and I waited, but we are also mature adults and are not ruled by our hormones and sexual desires (not saying teenagers and young twenty-somethings can’t be mature, but let’s face it. It’s not the same). Did we want to have sex? yes. Was it the motivating factor behind us to getting married? Didn’t even crack the top 3.
Post # 53
DH was 27 and I was 23 when we got married and we were both virgins. We dated for 2 weeks shy of a year before getting engaged and got married 4 months later. It was not a huge motivation for us. Sure it was there, but it wasn’t the main thing we were focused on by any means. We had a quick timeline because of work schedules and family events, not because we wanted to have sex.
Post # 54
Biologically, not all women are able to orgasm, period. It’s not a huge % but it’s there. There are some women who would not be able to no matter who they are with, others would take years to, again, no matter who they were with. I don’t think you should be putting what can be a largely biological issue and struggle for some into such a narrow box.
Also, the religious idea behind waiting to have sex for marriage is not “wait just for the heck of it, because not having sex till marriage is the only thing that matters,” but rather, ideally, it’s supposed to be “get to know each other fully, taking as much time as you need (but not more), without the physical pleasure of sex being a motivating factor in getting married or not breaking up with someone when you should.” I think the physical attraction and desire for sex is there so that one party isn’t dragging their heals, and also to build self control and let two people grow together.
Post # 55
Maybe not everyone, but I definitely do think it has an impact on a LOT of couples who “wait”.
Personally, I am morally against “saving it for marriage”. I think it’s essential to know how a person lives and to be comfortable with every aspect of their lifestyle before marriage – sex is one of the biggest things. Otherwise, you get situations like the religious bee here who married her husband after dating him and being abstinent for 2 YEARS before finding out during their honeymoon that he can only pass bowels in a diaper (and it’s not for a physical health reason). Or, you know, what if you find out post-marriage that your partner has kinks that you find absolutely abhorrent? And your religion forbids/strongly advises against divorce – what happens then?
Post # 57
@bmo88: we waited til we were engaged and that didnt speed him up at all with the proposal. That took 3 1/2 years
Post # 58
I was simply giving an example of what could be a direct result of incompatibility. As with everything, there are always exceptions and not everyone will be unable to O based on incompatibility. I was not speaking in absolute terms.
I would just like to know what I am getting into before I get there. Again, in my personal opinion, there is no point in waiting.
Post # 59
My experience of this is sad – I know three couples who waited. All married within 2 years of meeting. Sadly, are we’re divorced/split within 3 years…
Most other married couples that didn’t wait took 4-10 years to marry. All are still married.
Post # 60
- Wedding: May 2014 - Madison, WI
I had two friends who waited …one (met and married her husband within 1 year) hated her wedding night, hates sex, and I don’t know if she’s ever done it again since their first time two years ago. She always thought it was “icky” and after getting married told me she hated it, she has also talked about getting divorced. My other friend had a horrible first time but they worked on it and eventually it got better for them, a lot better. That being said about 10 years and 2 kids later (she married at 18) they are divorced.
At one point in my life I planned on waiting since I was younger at the time I’m glad I felt that way back then. However, once I got older I decided not to wait anymore. In my experience that chemistry is not always something you can make work with practice and time. I was with my college boyfriend for three years, it never really got good. Then with my Fiance who has only ever been with me – yes it started out a little awkward due to his inexperience but the chemistry was there! Now it’s amazing. 🙂