(Closed) SPINOFF: What if your guy was bi?

posted 7 years ago in Intimacy
  • poll: How would you react?

    I'd be totally ok with it, nothing would change.

    It might change things a bit, but we'd work through it

    A lot would change, I don't know if it would still work.

    Everything would change, we could not work through it

    Other

  • Post # 137
    Member
    996 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: July 2011

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    @Bebealways:  “At least some people in this thread come straight out and admit they’re miserable, myopic bigots who only want to date/marry other miserable myopic bigots.” 

     

     

     

    Why do you feel it’s necessary to personally insult anyone with a differing opinion than yours? Calling people who believe differently than you “miserable myopic bigots” seems pretty petty and not very tolerant of you,..no? You are arguing in favor of TOLERANCE but only if it’s what you support and instead bash/name call anyone else with a different view/opinion. You are arguing in favor of something you apparently don’t have. It’s pretty hypocritcal of you quite honestly.  

     

    I would not stay in my marriage should my husband one day tell me he was bi-sexual. It’s a personal choice that would be mine and doesn’t make me miserable, racist, or close minded despite what you so ignorantly assume about anyone who wouldn’t stay with their partner after learning this information. You are also incorrect to claim that people cant support the LGBT community while believing the way I/many do.

     

    Just because you aren’t OK with something in your marriage, doesn’t mean you are a radical bigot and suddenly turn into an advocate against gay/bisexuals. It simply boils down to having your own wants in a marriage and what each person is comfortable with in their lives together. It would be different if I said that I would try to change my husband or “pray away the gay” etc. I understand that being gay/lesbian is not a choice so let’s not get that confused here.

    Example: I’m not a fan of threesomes or anything like that but I support OTHER people doing whatever they please in THEIR OWN marriage. I would NOT be OK with having a threesome in MY OWN marriage but am fine with other’s doing what’s right for them. Just like many other women who support a womans right to choose in terms of abortion. While they support that choice, some woman would not be comfortable getting an abortion in THEIR OWN relationship. That doesn’t make them bad people. To each their own.

     

    If anyone is being radical, it’s you.

     

    Post # 140
    Member
    403 posts
    Helper bee

    Just so I’m clear. Say a gay woman is married to another gay woman for 5 years and one day goes to her wife and says “Here’s the thing. I am also attracted to men. This does not change my attraction towards you, but I thought you should know.” 

    Sure, her wife may view this as a great thing in their relationship and maybe her partner would never act on said attraction to another man. Who knows, maybe it adds a fun new dimension to their sex life. But then again, she may not be ok with it. Is that horrible and biphobic? I see it as a matter of the parameters of her relationship no longer fitting what she signed on for. Maybe she doesn’t want a bi partner who could see themselves being with a man. Maybe she finds the idea of sleeping with guys utterly unappealing and wants a partner who shares those views? I don’t know that I would immediately conclude that she’s a bigot. It’s her marriage and it has to fit what she is comfortable with. 

    It’s one thing to be a bigot douchebag and say “Being gay is unnatural.” It’s quite another to say “Be bi or gay or transgender! Be with the person you love and be happy, but you and your partner should be on the same page about what you want.”

    Post # 141
    Member
    7976 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: July 2013 - UK

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    @atacrossroads:  In your scenario, I think that the wife sounds painfully insecure, and needs to work on her insecurities through counselling. If she was my friend, and she left her partner because of that, without even trying or realising that her insecurity is the real problem here, I would certainly tell her so. Probably quite bluntly.

    I think it’s really unfair for one partner to turn their insecurities against the other and pretend that they are the problem. They are also punishing their partner for being honest. The message is: if you are honest about who you really are, I will leave you.

    I have a huge problem with that message.

    Post # 142
    Member
    403 posts
    Helper bee

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    @Rachel631:  But you’re missing the point. We all have insecurities. If we didn’t, divorce rates probably wouldn’t be at 60%. Couples break up because of insecurities all the time, so why in this case is it attributed to being a bigot? I think it’s a fair question that no one is really answering. I don’t have a dog in this fight. If you go back to my first post I wouldn’t give a shit if my boyfriend was bi. I just think the extreme POVs on both sides are interesting. 

    And By The Way, yes please be honest with me about who you are. BEFORE WE ARE MARRIED. Somehow I think people wouldn’t be blaming insecurity if after 5 years the wife says “Surprise! I’m bipolar!”

    Post # 143
    Member
    7976 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: July 2013 - UK

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    @atacrossroads:  Well… I didn’t use the word “bigot”. But I don’t think that projecting one’s own insecurities onto a partner is fair, no matter what those insecurities are. I think it’s dishonest and reeks of game playing. For example, if you read some of my other posts, I’m always appalled by women who are so insecure that they won’t let their partner spend time with female work collegues, or give female friends of friends lifts home in their car etc etc.

    There are always bees who will say “oooohhh…. by giving her a lift home, he is really disrespecting you”. NO, ladies. YOU are the one with a problem. I very much doubt that work collegue is so overwhelmingly attractive that your SO will have no choice but to pull over onto the hard shoulder and have her nosh him off. Do they think she has a magic vagina, or something?

    The same principles apply here. It’s the person who reacts negatively to their SO’s bisexuality who has the problem! Let’s not cloud the issue.

    The reason such strong responses are coming out here is because LGBT rights are a huge political flashpoint, so they are clouding the underlying issue. But I still think the underlying issue is one of painful, cringeworthy insecurity… and ignorance too. There… I said it! People assuming that bisexual people will want to experiment sexually, will want threesomes, will fantasise about others during sex… all that stuff. It’s all stuff which could have come right from an anti-LGBT propaganda publication. I’m simply AMAZED that people still believe all this stuff! It’s like I’ve been transported back to the 1970s.

    Post # 144
    Member
    403 posts
    Helper bee

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    @Rachel631:  Oh ok, so it’s “ignorance.” Good to know!

    Post # 145
    Member
    7976 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: July 2013 - UK

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    @atacrossroads:  Well…

    “People assuming that bisexual people will want to experiment sexually, will want threesomes, will fantasise about others during sex… all that stuff. It’s all stuff which could have come right from an anti-LGBT propaganda publication.”

    I mean… sarcasm aside… I think I have a valid point (see above). It really could have come from an anti-LGBT publication!

    EDIT: I should also say that I am also wincing at the people who say “I wouldn’t care because then we could have a threesome!” I mean, they are clearly labouring under exactly the same misinformation as those who wouldn’t be OK with it for exactly the same reason! I read some of these comments, and I just think…

    – take fist

    – insert fist into mouth whilst making the wincy face

    – bite down

    Post # 146
    Member
    430 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: September 2014

    If my Fiance came out to me as bi I’d be as understanding and open as I can, however I’d want to give him time to be sure that he actually wanted to be in a heterosexual monogamous relationship, since that’s what we’ve signed on for so far.  The only way I could see our relationship ending was if he felt he needed something other than that.  While fantasy/etc. would be fine with me, I would not be open to anything other than a heterosexual monogamous relationship.

    Post # 147
    Member
    403 posts
    Helper bee

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    @Rachel631:  So the couples who do incorporate those elements of bisexuality into their private bedroom are what, perpetuating a stereotype? I’m still not seeing how a couple defines the parameters of their private relationship is debate worthy. And i’m starting to see that I never will. 

    Post # 148
    Member
    223 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: August 2014

    I choose “Everything would change, we could not work through it ” only because I was thinking in away like he himself was just realizing he was bi-sexual. If I and he  knew he was bi-sexual going into our relationship it would be different and I wouldn’t care because I would feel like he explored that side of himself already and choose me out of everyone,  I know Fiance has made out with a man before our relationship ,and also had a 2m1f threesome and that stuff doesn’t bother me at all.

    Post # 149
    Member
    7976 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: July 2013 - UK

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    @atacrossroads:  No, not really… in the same way you can still be a feminist and shave your legs, you can still have a threesome and oppose far right propaganda. It’s the automatic assumption that bothers me.

    It’s like… you know Chasing Amy? Where Holden gets freaked out when he finds out that Alyssa is bisexual and immediately tries to arrange a threesome with his male best friend “so that they will be on the same level”? And then Alyssa (quite rightly, IMO) gets really pissed off and tells him that she thought she had signed up to a monogamous relationship, and that she can’t believe he is treating her this way?

    I just can’t believe the way people are automatically assuming. It’s really problematic that they have these stereotypes about bisexual people.

    Post # 150
    Member
    403 posts
    Helper bee

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    @Rachel631:  Some people signed up for a straight partner. That’s life. People vary.

    Post # 151
    Member
    10635 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: January 2011

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    @Rachel631:  People assuming that bisexual people will want to experiment sexually, will want threesomes, will fantasise about others during sex… all that stuff.

    I agree with that.  I also think that some people honestly have a preference to be with someone who falls within a particular range of the spectrum though, and that’s what I think is ok.
     
    We agree it’s ok to be attracted to someone within a particular range on the gender spectrum, right?  Why can’t it be the same with the sexuality spectrum?
    I’m not just boiling this down to heterosexuals want to be with heterosexuals either, which also seems narrow-minded to me.

    The topic ‘SPINOFF: What if your guy was bi?’ is closed to new replies.

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