(Closed) SPINOFF: What if your guy was bi?

posted 7 years ago in Intimacy
  • poll: How would you react?

    I'd be totally ok with it, nothing would change.

    It might change things a bit, but we'd work through it

    A lot would change, I don't know if it would still work.

    Everything would change, we could not work through it

    Other

  • Post # 152
    Member
    7976 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: July 2013 - UK

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    @atacrossroads:  Yikes. In that case, I can only hope that the partners of these women (should they have these feelings) have the good sense to conceal truths from them which have no bearing on their day to day lives together.

    Saying “I didn’t sign up for this, even though it may well have no lasting impact on our day to day lives whatsoever” is basically like someone going for one of those DNA tests with their partner which tells you your genetic origins, finding out that their partner has 77% Sub-Saharan African DNA, and saying “nope, I didn’t sign up for a black partner. Bye bye.”

    Now, if someone’s partner turned around and said “I want to change our lives in the following significant way…” I can understand their partner saying “I didn’t sign up for this”. But nothing has to change after a confession like this. I find the automatic assumption that it will to be very painful to listen to.

    Post # 153
    Member
    7976 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: July 2013 - UK

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    @AB Bride:  For me, the difference is this… we don’t choose who we are attracted to. So maybe you think Asian men are really hot? That’s fine. Maybe you are attracted to manly men? Fine too!

    But in this scenario then you are already attracted to your partner. It’s not like you say “meh, I’ve never been with a bisexual man because I just don’t think they’re as hot”. You have already, by definition, been attracted to, and begun a relationship with, a man who is bisexual, for OP’s question to be relevant.

    This means it isn’t a question of being attracted to someone… it’s a more disturbing question involving values and value judgements which people are imposing.

    Post # 154
    Member
    10635 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: January 2011

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    @Rachel631:  It’s being attracted to someone who misrepresented themselves.  That’s why I compared it to someone’s religion earlier.

    If couples never had discussion about it, that’s one thing.  If someone’s sexuality changed or they just realized an aspect of it, that would be something else.  To actually lie about their fanatasies, desires, etc. is misrepresenting who they are though.

    Post # 155
    Member
    403 posts
    Helper bee

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    @Rachel631:  Exactly. After being together for so long I could understand why someone might be like “Why are you telling me this now? Is it because something is missing in our relationship?”

    So what if it’s insecurity? People are human. 

    Post # 156
    Member
    7976 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: July 2013 - UK

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    @AB Bride:  Well… your scenarios have different implications.

    – If your partner has lied, the issue is one of honesty, not sexuality. You will then have to question why they lied. Were they insecure and untrusting in your relationship? If so, did they have cause to be? Have they lied about anything else? But that’s not a sexuality issue per se.

    – If it is something they have just realised, you have to wonder what else they might realise down the road. However, marriage is a journey, and you will have unexpected outcomes along the way. Leaving someone on the basis of a future scenario that may never happen (are they secretly actually gay?) seems at best to be premature, and at worst to indicate a set of rather disturbing prejudices.

    Post # 157
    Member
    7976 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: July 2013 - UK

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    @atacrossroads:  Absolutely. People are human. But that doesn’t mean that insecurity is a good thing, or that it should be encouraged, or that people should project their insecurity onto another person and say “it’s your fault I’m insecure!”.

    A little self-awareness is almost always a good thing.

    Post # 158
    Member
    10635 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: January 2011

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    @Rachel631:  I brought up the lying issue already.  I think it’s more than that though.  Would someone actually be equally attracted to this person if they hand’t misrepresented themselves?  For some, that answer would be no.

    The same goes for religion, some people want a spouse who belongs (or doesn’t belong) to a specific religion.  Their beliefs might change over time.  To actually misprepresent one’s religion to a SO is different than having their beliefs change.

    Post # 159
    Member
    403 posts
    Helper bee

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    @Rachel631:  Rachel I’m not getting anywhere with you because you refuse to just accept that sometimes feelings are just feelings. I don’t know where else I can really take this conversation in light of that fact. Feelings don’t mean you hate anyone or are reacting to generations of homophobia through osmosis. They’re feelings. Feelings are complicated and vary in relationships. You’re attaching a lot of ways to define them in scenarios that may or may not apply. Can we agree to disagree? 

    Post # 160
    Member
    9916 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: June 2013

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    @Rachel631:  It is unfair to disallow people’s insecurity.  If my husband told me he was bi, I would freak out — because why the hell is he telling me NOW, after seven years together, when he knows I AM BI, and could have TOTALLY shared with me at any point?  It would change things because I would not understand why he kept the information from me, and would wonder what had changed that he felt it time to tell.  That has to make sense to you.  

     

    AND AGAIN: To all the people who are perpetuating the stereotype that bisexual people love threesomes and are super into casual sex, can you please stop?  It’s insulting to me. 

    Post # 161
    Member
    7976 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: July 2013 - UK

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    @atacrossroads:  “Can we agree to disagree?” Sure we can Smile

    I’ll confess, I’m not much of a one for instincts and feelings. I like to analyse things to the Nth degree before I speak or act! I suppose… I have never really understood feelings? Either that or I don’t really believe in them, because I have a job which requires me to examine and dissect how social and cultural conditioning works, and how people are subtly programmed to think and feel in a certain way.

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    @AB Bride:  I think the main issue is that things like sexuality and religion are complex and often linked to problems with social pressure and shame… maybe you (hypothetical you!) were raised Catholic, for example, and you used to genuinely believe, but as you got older you realised that you did not. You still went to church because you found the ritual comforting, and also because you could not admit to yourself that you no longer believed. Or maybe because you thought you could believe again one day?

    You still called yourself Catholic. Why not? You were still practising. You married a fellow Catholic. Eventually, you realised that the ritual was empty without the belief. You no longer wanted to go to church, and you decided to finally accept that the belief was gone and was not going to come back. You told your partner. Partner was angry at what they saw as misrepresentation… but was it really misrepresentation?

    I mean, don’t get me wrong, if DH came out as bisexual then I would want to know how long he had had these feelings for, and why he hadn’t told me sooner. But social constraints like shame can be very binding, and I’m generally quite sympathetic to things like that.

    I mean, it’s not like DH would just say “actually, I’m bi” and then I would say “meh” and go back to watching TV. I would want to know the answers to all sorts of questions. But I would try to ask them gently, and I would hope that I would accept the answers in the same spirit, rather than assuming that this meant the worst.

    Post # 162
    Member
    7976 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: July 2013 - UK

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    @peachacid:  It does make perfect sense to me. But I don’t think that’s insecurity… that’s an honesty and trust issue!

    Post # 163
    Member
    10635 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: January 2011

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    @Rachel631:  It’s misrepresentation when the couple talks about God, asks each other about about doubts, etc. and none of that comes up with those conversations.

    I’ve asked DH about what he fantasizes about, what he finds attractive, etc.

    Post # 164
    Member
    7976 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: July 2013 - UK

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    @AB Bride:  Well, I agree with you there. The only caveat I would give would be if one partner says “I could never be with someone who had doubts about their faith! Do you have doubts?”

    In that case, I could totally understand if the other partner, out of love and a desire to stay in the relationship, said “err…. nope! So glad you feel that way! Me too!!!!!!”

    In that case the couple also needs to explore why one partner is so quick to rush to judgement and reject the person they claim to love.

    That’s not to say that I don’t have a few deal breakers myself… if DH decided to join a far right political party, for example, I would struggle to stay in the relationship. But that’s because he would be perpetrating what I see as an unethical ideology, which would damage my own moral integrity by association… that’s not because I would stop loving him, or because it would necessarily affect our home life together.

    EDIT: You might also be interested to know that, although DH and I have never hidden our religious beliefs from each other, we only found out that we have both had a “religious experience” after many years together. It’s because that’s just not the type of thing you talk about in our social circle. Going to church… meh… it’s OK. But having an actual experience? That makes you a nutjob wierdo. I get why people don’t want to talk about certain things. Taboos are powerful.

    Post # 165
    Member
    839 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: October 2014

    @HonoraryNerd:  Well…my Fiance is bi and so am I so I feel like this question should be easy. But it isn’t. If FH went into the relationship thinking he was straight, and came out to me as bi then I would accept him 100% just as he does my sexual orientation. 

    But I don’t know what we’d do if he wanted to explore his newfound sexualiy on his own through an open relationship. While I respect open relationships and think they’re great for the right people, it’s not the relationship model for me. I would be down for threesomes with guys (and girls) as we have actually done in the past. But I feel that we should be exloring our sexuality together, like we explore together in other areas of our lives. 

    Aside from probably exploring this new side of him and finding out how it fits into our relationship sexually and emotionally, I don’t think things would change for us. I can understand, especially for straight bees, why your SO coming out as bi might be really hard. Im sure it would bring up a lot of insecurities and doubts, but it wouldn’t mean that your FH would love you any less or that your relationship would have to change. I can tell you right now that just because he’s attracted to other men doesn’t mean you’re not enough for him. 

    Post # 166
    Member
    9916 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: June 2013

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    @pandorasbox:  One of the main reasons people are so judgemental of bisexual people is that they view the claim of bisexuality as a starting off point for homosexuality.  Someone else mentioned this as well.  So, yes, while someone who is 18 or 19 might first say they are bi and then explore that and find they are more into same-sex relations than opposite-sex, I don’t think that’s true for everyone.  Some people are truly attracted to both sexes.  

     

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    @letigre:  The idea that the person who newly discovered him/herself to be bi would have to explore that sexuality is interesting.  I think you’re right — someone who realizes that about him/herself would explore or would want to.  So there are really two questions at play here: 1. If your husband told you, “I’ve always been bisexual, and I just wanted you to know,” what would you do?  and 2. If your husband told you, “I am just realizing now that I am bisexual, and I just wanted you to know,” what would you do?  The latter question is the one I assume the majority of people would have the problem with — WHY are you just now realizing?  However, the former question shouldn’t be a big deal.

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