(Closed) SPINOFF: What if your guy was bi?

posted 7 years ago in Intimacy
  • poll: How would you react?

    I'd be totally ok with it, nothing would change.

    It might change things a bit, but we'd work through it

    A lot would change, I don't know if it would still work.

    Everything would change, we could not work through it

    Other

  • Post # 167
    Member
    8482 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: April 2014

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    @Future_Mrs_Dr_I:  Its not the fact that you wouldnt want to date someone who was bi, it was the way you said it.

    Post # 168
    Member
    4494 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: October 2013

    I’m going to be honest and say that I’m not sure what I would do. My first thought would be why didn’t he tell me earlier? My second thought would be, why does he feel compelled to tell me now?? I would assume its because he was having some type of urge or desire to be with a man, because otherwise if he hid it all these years then why not continue to do so? He didn’t trust me before, but he does now? I feel like there must be some reason he would have decided to admit it at this point and I think that reason would dictate my reaction.

    If its because he has some desires to actually be with a man then I would be pissed, just as if he told me he wanted to literally be with another woman. If he wanted to bring another man into our relationship then I would be gone, just like I would be if he wanted to bring another woman into it.

    If its because he didn’t trust me in the first 13 years of our relationship then yes, I’d still be pissed. I would wonder what else he hasn’t trusted me with. So yeah, I may not have an issue with the bisexuality itself, but I would have an issue with him hiding it all this time.

    Another thing that came to mind are all the, “are you okay with allowing your guy to hang out with another woman one-on-one?” threads. So many posters say no, he shouldn’t be going out/to dinner/to events with a woman friend alone. So… in this case what happens? He can’t go out with any friends? Personally I’m fine with my DH having female friends so it wouldn’t make much difference, but this topic just made me think of those threads and how so many women don’t think their SOs should be out with other females.

    I won’t say that our marriage would definitely end, but I think it would cause problems. I know a few women that were married for 15+ years and their DHs came out as being gay (obviously that is much different than this scenario for so many reasons) and it just destroyed their entire lives. I do think that if you are going to MARRY someone you need to be honest about your sexuality up front. I think its completely unfair to bring that up years into a relationship.

    Post # 169
    Member
    332 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: July 2014

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    @adoc86:  I won’t say that our marriage would definitely end, but I think it would cause problems. I know a few women that were married for 15+ years and their DHs came out as being gay (obviously that is much different than this scenario for so many reasons) and it just destroyed their entire lives. I do think that if you are going to MARRY someone you need to be honest about your sexuality up front. I think its completely unfair to bring that up years into a relationship.

    This, exactly!  To me that’s an issue that should be addressed when the relationship starts getting serious.  I would be upset if my husband kept something like that from me for 8 whole years.

    Post # 170
    Member
    853 posts
    Busy bee

    I like the Bee but this thread reminds me of something that I’ve seen happen many times before. Why is it that we always say it’s okay for people to make decisions that suit their life and their bedrooms but then when that decision is more conservative, or less politically correct, we feel the need to tell that poster that they’re ‘close-minded’, ‘ignorant’, ‘don’t love their partner’ or some variation of this? It seems freedom of choice is only condoned when that choice is the *liberal* one (for lack of a better word).

    I’ve seen it so many times before. It’s great if your partner is bisexual and you accept it and more power to you for exploring your sexuality but oh no, how dare you prefer someone who is straight. And it’s great that you can decide who and how many people to sleep with and yay for being sexually adventurous but how dare you decide that being with one person only is fine. And religion is a personal choice and you feel free to express this how you see fit but just by the way, xyz religion is a fairytale and there is no proof of God etc. etc.

    Sorry for the rant but there’s a definite double standard. Remember, your life, your choices but it seems what that really means is only certain choices or you’re prejudiced, ignorant or a bigot. 😉

    Post # 171
    Member
    7976 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: July 2013 - UK

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    @Arshim:  I think you actually make a valid and excellent point…. especially as one of the bees who hovers around the religion boards a lot.

    However… the thing about coming out as bi is that nothing has to change. OK, so if you are bi AND you have lied, or if you are bi AND you want to stop being monogamous, that’s a problem. But both of those require the word “and”.

    If it’s just a matter of “OK, so they’ve just told me something that wouldn’t have any influence on how we live our life together at all, but it would immediately be a deal breaker, regardless” then that is something which warrants exploring.

    I should also say that I did use “ignorant”, but that was aimed at people who associate bisexuality with promiscuity, or unusual sexual practises… this does not apply to everyone who would have an issue with bisexuality, obviously.

    The way this differs from some of the other examples you mention is that there is no clear link between the choice and the reason behind it… the only reason which automatically springs to mind is that the poster has been socially conditioned to associate powerfully negative things with bisexuality, and I find it odd that they wouldn’t want to examine their motivations and interrogate them.

    Post # 172
    Member
    3208 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: April 2015

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    @peachacid:  You’re right. If it was the former, I’d realize that he has always been this person and I’d come accept it.

    The OP asks what we would do in our own situations, which is why I think the blanket judgment on this thread needs to be turned down. My Fiance and I both come from families where there would never have been issues with this — no closet, so to speak. It’s just unfathomable that he would keep something like this from me when we very regularly go to drag shows/have many gay friends/the topic has come up before, etc. 

    Post # 173
    Member
    853 posts
    Busy bee

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    @Rachel631:  I understand what you’re saying and the fact that you made a point to say that nothing would change, does influence things IMO. As things stand, I would prefer to date a straight partner but if we were already together when he realized this, then no, I wouldn’t just leave my SO, provided that nothing changes in the dynamic of our relationship.

    At the same time though, I can see how others may not be comfortable with this and may not want to stay in such a relationship. I don’t think that makes them bigoted or ignorant. They’re not saying that being bi or gay is wrong, just that it wouldnt work for them on such an intimate level and that should be okay too, I would think.

    Post # 174
    Member
    7976 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: July 2013 - UK

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    @Arshim:  Hmmm…. are you making that pesky “feelings” argument again?

    If I get feelings which (upon reflection) I find illogical and possibly damaging to my relationships, I like to squish them like a bug.

    We English have got that kind of squishing down to a fine art. We should win medals for it.

    ASIDE: I wonder if one reason women’s bisexuality is OK, but men’s isn’t, is because we are all expected to worship at the temple of the great god named penis? So women can’t really be lesbian or bisexual, because we all know they love cock far too much. They must just be doing it so that men can fantasise over them, right? But a bisexual man? Well, the lure of that cock must just be far too strong. He’s not bisexual… he must be gay! Run away, children! Flee to the hills! The lure of the great god penis is simply too powerful!

    Post # 176
    Member
    3208 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: April 2015

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    @Rachel631:  I have a job which requires me to examine and dissect how social and cultural conditioning works, and how people are subtly programmed to think and feel in a certain way.

    I think performativity is actually central to this discussion. I understand that I perform a certain role and my Fiance performs a certain role, and that our similarities her have brought us together.  Since the OP asks what we would do in our own relationships, there is just no way to add enough detail to justify one’s answer.

    For me, I started dating my Fiance at 17, and we have truly grown up together. For him to now say he is bisexual would be growing sideways (and in light of our earlier Butler fangirling, I think maybe I mean sideways in the way Kathryn Stockton would use the term). Even if nothing in our daily life changes, for me, everything would change. I would not be able to grow sideways with him. It would be a fundamentally intimate disconnect.

    There is also the tension between ivory tower “sexuality is fluid” and ground level “I was born this way”. Each of these avenues would propose different  complications in my relationship which I think I’ve outlined in previous posts.

    Post # 177
    Member
    7976 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: July 2013 - UK

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    @atacrossroads:  Surprised My last post was supposed to be funny (or at least wryly amusing).

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    @letigre:  “There is also the tension between ivory tower “sexuality is fluid” and ground level “I was born this way”. “

    Well, that’s true. I get really pissed off at some of the things people come out with at work… especially within a discipline which is supposed to be grounded in people’s actual, lived experience.

    Post # 178
    Member
    3051 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: February 2015

    I can’t comment too much bc I’m with a woman but if she told me she was bi all of a sudden, we’d be fine but I’d be shocked haha If I was with a man (I’m bi) and he came out as bi…idk. I’d maybe discuss us trying out different sexual experiences with other people (kinda one of my own fantasies haha) but I don’t think I could be with a bi man forever as my usual type is VERY manly man.

    ETA: I didn’t read the whole 5 pages of this thread so I’m only answering the OP. Idk what kinda drama is going

    ETA again: after skimming a couple pages and mostly reading the bold and capitalized print, I’m not insinuating ALL bisexual people want threesomes, nor am I trying to perpetuate a stereotype by saying that I have fantasies about them. Mine stem from my lack of sexual experience in general. Just putting this out there so I’m not attacked or some shit

     

    Post # 180
    Member
    1798 posts
    Buzzing bee

    If I went into the relationship thinking my SO was straight and it turned out later that he was bi it would be a lot different than if I went into a relationship knowing that he was bi already. Honestly, I’m not sure what I would do in this type of situation. I’d like to say that I could be open to it because I really am all for gay marriage and everything, but I also say I’m pro-choice, yet I know I could never get an abortion. I’m not sure that if in my personal relationship I could handle being with a bisexual man. I’ve thought about this before, and even though I’m secure in my relationshp with my SO, he could be looking at or interested in other women and leave me for one, but if he were bisexual than he could be looking/interested in other men as well. There’s also the fact that sexually he may want something that I couldn’t necessarily provide. I trust my SO 100%, but my SO and I don’t put ourselves into situations where things could take a wrong turn. Neither of us would hang out at home alone with someone of the opposite sex. I would feel like if my SO were bi that he would feel like he wouldn’t be allowed to hang out with anyone…LOL. IDK, I’ve never been in the situation! 

    Post # 181
    Member
    781 posts
    Busy bee

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    @allyfally:  so now it’s a PC thing?? I stated mine and my SO’s opinion, without personally attacking anyone. Can you say the same of yourself? 

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