(Closed) SPINOFF: What if your guy was bi?

posted 7 years ago in Intimacy
  • poll: How would you react?

    I'd be totally ok with it, nothing would change.

    It might change things a bit, but we'd work through it

    A lot would change, I don't know if it would still work.

    Everything would change, we could not work through it

    Other

  • Post # 197
    Member
    4654 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: August 2013

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    @PinkMermaid:  I don’t suppose I’ll ever tire of people telling me that I simply must tolerate *their* intolerance.

    Imagine you are in a wonderful relationship. You have so much in common, you connect on a deep level, everything is as great as it could be. After a long time, you trust that this person will love you no matter what – they’ve said it enough times – and you get up the courage to reveal a secret that, while tricky for society, you think will be no problem for this relationship, since it will not actually have any real impact. You gather your will and tell your partner.

    Instead of the calm love and acceptance that you expected, they become distraught. You don’t know how this could be any different than saying you were permanently changing your hair color or getting a nose job – it’s superficial, it doesn’t change anything about who you are or what your relationship has been – but they leave you. They end the best relationship either of you had ever had, that would gone on in peace and happiness maybe forever if you had just kept your stupid mouth shut. No one would have ever known and you could have been happy, but no, you wanted to give your whole self to someone and be completely honest, and this is what happened.

    If a woman came on here with a story like that, I can guarantee you and everyone else would be on her side, comforting her, telling her that HE was the idiot, HE was the jerk, HE was closed-minded… yet somehow when the roles are changed it’s okay to dissolve a good thing over something so superficial. 

    No one would think it was okay to divorce your husband becaus he, say, developed a benign growth on his side. Not so nice to look at, maybe, requires some getting used to, sure, but he’s still healthy and he’s still the same person you married… To dump someone for something like that is so incredibly shallow, it shows you can’t ever have really cared for them at all or you’d be able to work past it. Bisexuality is no different, and yet thanks to this absurd idea that even THINKING sexy thoughts about your own sex is wrong and makes you a bad person, we have lives being broken apart over something that by all rights should be no big deal. 

    Post # 199
    Member
    3088 posts
    Sugar bee

    I would absolutely NOT be okay with it point blank period!

     

    Post # 200
    Member
    7365 posts
    Busy Beekeeper

    Pot meet kettle.

    The sanctimonious irony, that has been shown in this thread, is simply outstanding. 

     

    Post # 201
    Member
    9916 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: June 2013

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    @Bebealways:  +1  No, +1000.

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    @Future_Mrs_Dr_I:  Calling me unnatural is an attack.  I chose not to engage with you because you’re not worth my time, but you did attack.  So at least own up to it.  

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    @pineapplez17:  There are many, many, many people who believe that anyone who is bisexual is by definition unable to be monogamous.  Then there are people who believe that bisexuality is just like being gay — someone just can’t admit it, so they say they’re bi.  THEN there are people who believe that someone who is bisexual cannot actually BE gay becaue if you like to have sex with a man you can’t be with a woman….et cetera et cetera.  I’ve heard it all, to my face and on the Internet.  It’s SO frustrating.

    Post # 202
    Member
    398 posts
    Helper bee

    It’s really even, huh? Crazy.

    I believe my SO is bi. He told me about some things that happened in his youth, and though he cannot or will not admit it to himself, possibly because it really ISN’T true. I have accepted that it could be, an decided shortly after he told me (two years ago) that it doesn’t change much.

    Him being bi doesn’t make us polyamorous. So what does it matter if he occassionally thinks a man is hot, or always does? It’s not going to mean he can date one, because he already chose to be with me 🙂

    Post # 203
    Member
    2852 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: August 2015

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    @peachacid:  oh I totally agree with you. I’m just saying it might be a possibility that someone mentions a threesome because it is something they want to do in their relationship, but can’t if both people are straight, and a bisexual SO might change the situation. Obviously this isn’t for every couple, but for those who might be naturally more adventurous. I know for myself, I would only want to do a threesome if everyone involved was sexually attracted to everyone involved, which isn’t possible because both Fiance and I are straight. I hope I’m not being offensive, that was just my thought of what other Bees could potentially be thinking, not that they necessarily are.

    Post # 204
    Member
    19 posts
    Newbee

    Suuuper late to the game, but oh my god, I inspired a spin-off! I feel like Pinocchio or something. “I’m a real Bee now!”

    I voted, honestly so, that “it might change things a bit, but we’d work through it.” And I recognize the hypocrisy in me–the Bee that came out as bisexual to her Fiance, who accepted it without a doubt–saying so, but I think honesty is the key here. I voted that way because I know I have my own personal fears–that I’m not attractive enough, that I couldn’t give him what he wanted–that would make me feel insecure. That being said, though, it’s obvious in our relationship that he’s 100% secure, and that’s why we would work through it; because I’d realize that any issues, if they existed, would be on my side.

    I also respect the opinion of those who say that it wouldn’t work, because they choose to be in a relationship with a straight person. But, to be honest again, it does terrify me how much many Bees’ relationships seemed to be based on the other person’s sexual preference or identity, rather than their actual pre-existing chemistry. I mean, if my Fiance came out to me about being bi and I found that my sexual attraction to him changed because of it, I would seriously want to delve deeper into who I was, because it would have absolutely nothing to do with him. I mean, that would definitely indicate to me (personally!) that I had some bigotry inside me of that I would have to deal with, because nothing else, at all, would have changed other than the way I saw that person. Not who that person was.

    Post # 205
    Member
    7976 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: July 2013 - UK

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    @mumeishi:  “I would seriously want to delve deeper into who I was, because it would have absolutely nothing to do with him. I mean, that would definitely indicate to me (personally!) that I had some bigotry inside me of that I would have to deal with, because nothing else, at all, would have changed other than the way I saw that person. Not who that person was.”

    As my stepmother would say: “that’s the badger”. Realising that you are the problem… not your SO. A bit of self-awareness. Kudos to you.

    Post # 206
    Member
    996 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: July 2011

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    @Bebealways:  I understand where you are coming from and why you believe the way you do but still, there is no excuse for bashing those without the same beliefs as you. There isn’t an excuse and even if you are tired of supporting “other’s intolerance”, you still can convey your point across much more sincerely without all the finger pointing, insults, and personal attacks.

    Honestly, I can find some valid points in what you just wrote back (second time) but at the same time as much as I’d wish it would be that simple and everyone could just “work though” this kind of thing, the reality is that it isn’t for some people. Why? That’s a complicated answer. As I mentioned before, some may support human rights 100% (as I do) but still be uncomfortable with certain aspects in their marriage.

    I’d totally get that my husband would want to be honest with me 100% but at that same time, I’d feel like he should have told me before we were married. I get that for some they are afraid and all that but at the same time, if you love someone enough and want to commit to them in marriage, you should be transparent with them about something so big such as your sexuality. I’m not saying you need to know EVERYTHING about your partner before you get married, but knowing their sexual orientation seems pretty reasonable to me.

    Also I want to clarify that I understand how hard it is for some people to put themselves out there, but if you want to marry someone…shouldn’t you be totally and completely honest with them to avoid getting married and living a lie? Being honest in the beginning can in some cases prevent a divorce later on with these kinds of things. I also believe that being honest and upfront from the beginning gives a greater chance at possibly being able to work it out because the person finding out wont feel trapped or lied to after they’ve just said their vows which can add negative emotion to an already emotional situation. 

    To put it blunty, if my husband loved ME enough then I’d expect him to have been upfront and honest BEFORE we got married. I’d expect my husband to take marriage seriously and want to let me know about his sexuality before a marriage get’s involved. It would be the right thing to do so both parties know FULLY what they are getting into. I understand that it’s hard to be honest with your sexuality for some people but I’d expect it from a man I was to marry. I’d also expect him to not only be honest, but to WANT to be honest. It’s ridiculous to hide something from someone, marry them, and then after you’ve “sealed the deal”, come out with your true sexuality. Difficult feelings about coming out aside, it’s a cowardly thing to keep from someone and expect it to be no big deal or that “nothing has changed”. You have no way of knowing how much something will matter to someone which is why it’s a good idea to be honest from the beginning (at least when marriage is in the picture).

    EVEN IF my husband was scared to death that I’d not feel the same way about him after he told me (before the wedding) I’d much more appreciate it that he got over his fear about coming out as a bisexual because he loved me enough to be honest despite his fears and the possible consiquence that the wedding might be called off.

    That might even have a deciding factor in me choosing to stay and try my hardest to work it out. I know that I’d be furious to find out after years of being married that this his always been a secret. I’m the kind of person who wants to know the major things in the beginning and keep a marriage based on honesty and trust. Sometimes things don’t work out the way we want them to but that isn’t an excuse to base your marriage on a lie. 

    I know it was a long post and I apologize for that. I just wish that you wouldn’t have called everyone who shares my opinion or even a different opinion a miserable myopic bigot. My feelings don’t come from hatred or with malicious intent at all. They are simply just a different opinion/belief than some.

    Post # 207
    Member
    2369 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: January 2013

    to me, a bi-guy is a gay guy whose not quite ready to come out of the closet. id run.

    Post # 208
    Member
    3120 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: June 2012

    @HonoraryNerd:  really, I don’t know how it would change anything.  He’s attracted to women but knows we are monogamous.  If he were attracted to men as well, he still needs to be monogamous.  

    Post # 209
    Member
    852 posts
    Busy bee

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    @lolot:  Not 100% sure if that was directed at me but I’m not a Conservative and I fail to see how anyone was trying to make a matyr of themselves.

    Please do not make assumptions about me or my intentions. I noted a double standard, that was all. 

     

    Post # 210
    Member
    9124 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: August 2013 - Rocky Mountains USA

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    @Arshim:  alright, sorry to assume.  Your comment just reminded me of a larger trend of conservatives thinking the world is out to get them… the “war on Christmas”, gay marriage threatening “traditional marriage”, etc etc.

    But either way, my point remains.  Plenty of religious judgement in atheist threads, etc.  It goes both ways.

    Post # 211
    Member
    7976 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: July 2013 - UK

    It’s really interesting how this poll has changed. Earlier on, people were much more likely to either be completely accepting or completely unaccepting. There was very little middle ground. Now, not only have a lot more people voted for the more moderate options, but the first option (“I would be OK with it”) is now the least popular by a small margin. Previously, it was the most popular by a small margin. I wonder if some of the comments here have influenced the vote?

    The topic ‘SPINOFF: What if your guy was bi?’ is closed to new replies.

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