(Closed) SPINOFF: What if your guy was bi?

posted 7 years ago in Intimacy
  • poll: How would you react?

    I'd be totally ok with it, nothing would change.

    It might change things a bit, but we'd work through it

    A lot would change, I don't know if it would still work.

    Everything would change, we could not work through it

    Other

  • Post # 17
    Member
    8482 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: April 2014

    View original reply
    @Rachel631:  I was just thinking the exact same thing.

    Post # 18
    Member
    278 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: October 2013

    I WISH my husband was bi. It would make things a lot more fun if we ever decided to have a threesome 😉

    It wouldn’t impact us at all otherwise. He’s married to me, he isn’t suddenly going to cheat on me just because he’s bi. It shows a shocking level on ignorance/bigotry on the part of anyone who feels that he would.

    And to the people who would leave their man if he ever came out as bi to them? You don’t deserve him.

    Post # 19
    Member
    11735 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: November 1999

    I am not going to lie, it would be a bit shocking to hear and would take time to process. But as long as he still loved me and wanted to be with me then I see no reason why anything would change.

    Post # 20
    Member
    918 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: July 2015

    My Fiance is bisexual.  Being an adult in his mid 40s though, he realises that just because he views men the same way he views women doesn’t give him the green light to cheat on me.

    For me, it makes no difference.  Cheating is cheating, I don’t care what is in the person’s pants.

     

    Post # 21
    Member
    5373 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: June 2014

    As long as he’s still committed to me and still loves me, I wouldn’t have a problem with it!

    Post # 22
    Member
    329 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: October 2012

    Hearing something like that NOW, after being together for 5+ years, would be a little confusing and surprising, since I’ve always known DH as a straight man.  But once I got over the surprise, I wouldn’t care.  I mean, we made the choice together to be monogamous.  Who either of us has been attracted to in the past or who might turn our heads when we walk down the street is really a non-issue.

    Now if he came to me and said “I’m bi and I want to go find myself by sleeping with men,” that’s a game-changer.  Like I said, we agreed on monogamy. Either party being bi doesn’t change that.  Monogamy and sexual orientation are two different issues.

    Post # 23
    Member
    4654 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: August 2013

    View original reply
    @Rachel631:  Precisely. I frankly don’t understand the so-common fixation on people’s romantic pasts. If you’re in love with someone, in a monogamous relationship, in which everyone is healthy and loyal and intends to stay that way… what does it matter how many and what sort of consenting relationships they had before? It doesn’t change anything about who they are (from before you knew that) and it doesn’t change their loyalty.  

    I feel like there’s this weird attitude about bisexuality that bisexual people can’t be happily faithful… like being attracted to both sexes somehow means you MUST interact romantically/sexually with BOTH or else you’re not happy or satisfied? When all it really means is that you could feasibly be with either. (Not being satisfied with one person is polyamory and a totally different, unrelated thing. Many poly folks I’ve met are bisexual, most bisexuals I’ve met are not poly.)

    I’ve slept with women in the past, but as my marriage is currently monogamous, I won’t be doing that anytime soon. I don’t have a gaping void in my life where pretty ladies used to be, I’m perfectly contented with DH and he knows it. (If anything I think he’s flattered that I picked him over said pretty ladies hahaha.)

    I could understand getting upset if your SO said they were 100% gay and no longer attracted to you, or suddenly came out as polyamorous and insisted on beginning another side relationship, or something like that. But I really fail to see what exactly actually changes in the case of bisexuality within a monogamous relationship. 

    Post # 24
    Member
    918 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: July 2015

    View original reply
    @Bebealways:  Exactly.  As a woman with a bisexual man, I’d be a liar if I said the ‘oh dear, doesn’t he miss the cock’ thoughts don’t occasionally occur to me…but as he points out to me, he could easily be thinking the same of me.

     

    I knew Fiance was bisexual for 3 years before we became a couple.  He didn’t spring it on me overnight.  I even know most of the men that he was ‘involved’ with.  Sadly, it is most of them – who are all gay – that have had the most problems dealing with the fact that he is now in a committed, monogamous relationship with a woman.  We’ve been together over 4 years now, and he still occasionally gets messages from them on facebook, trying to get him to hook up with them.  It’s extremely disrespectful. 

     

    In my own personal experience, it is straight women and gay men who have the most problems with a bisexual man.  

     

    Post # 25
    Member
    2563 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: October 2014

    I wouldn’t care at all.  As long as he would be happy not being with a man again and only being with me we would be fine.  If he needed a partner that would allow him to be with men and women to be happy he would have to find someone else.

    Post # 26
    Member
    7623 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: June 2013

    View original reply
    @Apple_Blossom:  that was my thought- I would almost feel proud because he chose me over other women AND men!

    I wouldn’t care if DH came out as bi. As long as he didn’t ask for permission to experiment (cheat on me) I would be totally fine with it.

    Post # 27
    Member
    3081 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: August 2012

    From the standpoint of me being supportive of him being gay / straight / bi, I’d have no problem with it at all. From the standpoint of me feeling like it was more likely he would cheat on me, I don’t think that would be a factor either because I trust him no matter what.

    But what MIGHT be an issue is that I might feel a little insecure or nervous that I couldn’t do / be everything he wanted – like I didn’t have all the parts that he found desirable, if that makes sense. I don’t think it would be a deal-breaker (because in that same way, he finds all types of women attractive now, and I don’t have blond hair, I’m not 5’0, I’m not African American, etc. so maybe I already don’t have all the things he finds desirable NOW), but it would definitely be a conversation we’d have to have.  

    Post # 28
    Member
    9680 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper

    I’m going to vote in the poll but keep my comments to myself. I don’t want 7 million PMs that I have to delete and ignore (people have a habit of just never letting things go). 

    Just a reminder that everyone is entitled to their opinion and just because it doesn’t match yours doesn’t give you the right to judge or interrogate them. Who cares how someone else would react? It’s their relationship, not yours. 

    Post # 29
    Member
    7976 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: July 2013 - UK

    View original reply
    @Bebealways:  “I feel like there’s this weird attitude about bisexuality that bisexual people can’t be happily faithful… like being attracted to both sexes somehow means you MUST interact romantically/sexually with BOTH or else you’re not happy or satisfied? When all it really means is that you could feasibly be with either. (Not being satisfied with one person is polyamory and a totally different, unrelated thing. Many poly folks I’ve met are bisexual, most bisexuals I’ve met are not poly.)”

    THIS is the key to the whole thing! I know you’ve read my other posts, and you know that I don’t agree with promiscuity due to my views on the social condition of human beings under capitalism (the “disposable people” hypothesis). I also know that a lot of people will disagree with me on that one (!), so all I will say is this…

    – If DH told me that he wanted to experiment sexually with other people, this could very well be a deal breaker. I don’t care if those people are men, women, intergender, black, white, or green with purple spots… my answer is no.

    – If DH has slept with men or women, had an orgy, enjoyed some sort of weird fetish, or done anything before he met me that he has no desire to do now, I don’t care. I would only care if it was illegal or exploitative (for example, if I found out he had been flying to Thailand to sleep with child prostitutes, that’s a deal breaker as well).

    I just don’t get why people care so much… he’s with you NOW, right? And you get on? And he’s faithful? So what’s your deal?

    Post # 30
    Member
    403 posts
    Helper bee

    If he was bi I wouldn’t bat an eye. He’s choosing to be with me, a woman, but is open to the idea of being with men. 

    Post # 31
    Member
    2777 posts
    Sugar bee

    @HonoraryNerd:  wouldn’t bother me at all. I’d actually be excited because we could have a threesome with another guy

    The topic ‘SPINOFF: What if your guy was bi?’ is closed to new replies.

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