(Closed) SPINOFF: What if your guy was bi?

posted 7 years ago in Intimacy
  • poll: How would you react?

    I'd be totally ok with it, nothing would change.

    It might change things a bit, but we'd work through it

    A lot would change, I don't know if it would still work.

    Everything would change, we could not work through it

    Other

  • Post # 62
    Member
    283 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: June 2015

    View original reply
    @MissSweetiepie:  I cannot wait until the day when people with your sentiments are no longer a factor in any decision-making processes

    Post # 63
    Member
    166 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: August 2013

    My husband being bi in itself wouldn’t bother me. After all he’s in a committed relationship to me, and we know our boundaries regardless of who we might be attracted to outside the marriage.

    However I would be hurt if he’d waited until we after we were married to share this information, and it might make me question whether he was keeping anything else from me. I’d hate feeling like my husband couldn’t trust me with something like this.

    Post # 64
    Member
    3771 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: October 2012

    I’d be a little peeved for multiple reasons. But the main one being that he hid it until AFTER we were married. Which means he didn’t trust me enough with the information. If he was scared to tell me, I would hope by the time I decided to marry him, he would realize that I would stick by him through thick and thin. If he didn’t realize that then that means we shouldn’t have gotten married yet. 

    Post # 65
    Member
    1316 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: May 2014 - NH

    I think so many people don’t even want to comment for fear of being bashed for their religious and personal beliefs on what they’re comfortable with.  My personal opinion is to stop interjecting yourself into someone else’s bedroom and telling them what they should and shouldn’t accept in it.  We all have a variety of differences on what we’re OK with in our own bedroom, from people who are comfortable with extra partners, porn, sex toys, fantasizing, etc.  Instead of hating on others for what they’re not comfortable with in their own bedroom, realize that we all have different preferences. 

    I would still love FH if he told me he was bi, but depending on how it impacts our relationship I can’t say whether or not it could work.  It’s not just about cheating, it would be about making sure he is happy too.  Just because someone doesn’t cheat doesn’t mean they are sexually satisfied or happy.  It’s also about me making sure I am happy and feel like I am with someone who is into me and have no doubts about that.  It’s like the many posts you’ve seen on here where someone is in a relationship, says they won’t cheat, but all they can talk about is their interest in someone else or fantasizing about others.  We all have different views on whether or not that person’s doing something right or wrong.

    It’s not a wrong answer to not know if it will work for either party if there was a growing change in sexual interest, or even to know that it won’t work for you.  To each their own. 

    Post # 66
    Member
    9916 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: June 2013

    View original reply
    @orchidblooms:  You said, “just because someone doesn’t cheat doesn’t mean they are sexually satisfied or happy.”  This goes for straight men as well, though.  AND straight women.  And every kind of man and woman, actually.  

    Post # 67
    Member
    1316 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: May 2014 - NH

    View original reply
    @peachacid:  It definitely does!  I wouldn’t be happy in a relationship where someone wasn’t truly happy with me, and a new change in sexual interest would make me and probably many others question that.  If it was an existing change never shared, and we were in a relationship long term, I would also want to know more about that where others might not care.  I don’t care if others don’t care, because it’s my bedroom, not theirs.  Some people might think I’m an awful person for not caring about porn, strippers, etc…others might think it’s cheating and break up over that.  Their bedroom, their preference.

    Post # 68
    Member
    1030 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: August 2013

    @HonoraryNerd:  Well if he came out saying he was bi and had had realations with men before me, I’d be a bit shocked, but we’d work through that just fine. If it was something that happened during our relationship or if he was expressing desire to sleep/hook up with men now – then i don’t think we could get through it. 

    As long as I was assured that I was still his one and only and he still found me to be the most attractive in his eyes, then it would be alright. 🙂 

    Post # 69
    Member
    1031 posts
    Bumble bee

    My feelings about DH would change, only because in the five years that I have known him he has never shown/vocalized/displayed ANY signs of being attracted to males. DH the is total sterotypical manliest man of all men who were ever men, like luberjack, hunting, fishing, full beard, no fashion sense, buys all his Christmas gifts at Cabela’s kind of man (not that gay men aren’t blah blah blah disclaimer blah). I would honestly feel confused and betrayed, especially now being married for over a year with a baby on the way…. I would feel like he had lied to me this entier time.

    I am also a very accepting person, so I do not know why he would feel the need to lie to me about something like this. It would make me feel like I didn’t know him anymore. I would try and work through it, especially because I’m assuming that it would not change him. You were not allowed to galavanting with other women before, you’re not going galavanting with men either. You chose me and that is final. I would be really confused, and probably need to be left to myself for a few days.

    DH’s ansewer:

    me:  “hey babe! What would you do if I came out to  you as a bisexual?”

    Him: *without taking his eyes off the xbox* “Why? Is that what you’re doing?”

    me: “No I’m talking to the bees about it”

    Him: “I would ask for a threesome like any other man would do”

    ….. and thus prooves my point.

    Post # 70
    Member
    578 posts
    Busy bee

    It would be an issue. If we were already married, then we would work through it, though 

    Post # 71
    Member
    1348 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: October 2013

    I honestly do not know how I would feel. I would imagine it would take some getting used to. I might would have to see a therapist.

    If he had a history prior to us getting married that he hid from me, I would be upset. We both have talked in great detail about our pasts and history because we wanted to (not because we were “hung” up on it). I would feel like crap because he kept something so big from me. I would wonder why he couldn’t trust me enough to tell me. 

    If he was just realizing his sexuality, I suppose I would be even more nervous. It would bring out a lot of my own insecurities. Does he still want me? Should I let him go explore? What prompted him to realize this now? Really, we would have to go to couples therapy to get over it. 

    I wouldn’t leave him. I would be confused. I’m not going to sugar coat it and say I would be butterflies and rainbow kittens. If I came out as Bi-sexual to him, I would believe he would react the same way. 

    That doesn’t mean I love him any less. Really, mostly it’s about my own insecurities and any change is scary to me. Especially when it has to due with the love of my life. 

    Also, I know many many religious people who believe homosexuality is a sin. I’m not here to debate that. I personally do not believe that. However, marriage to them is very religious and sacred. To believe that your husband/wife would be going to Hell would be a game-changer for them. Christians specifically do not want to “yolk” themselves to an unequal partner. So I can see to them how it could be so detrimental to their marriage. 

    I’m not here to judge them. As I would hope they would not judge my relationship with my husband if he did come out as Bi-sexual and I was accepting of it.  

     

    Post # 72
    Member
    10635 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: January 2011

    It would bother me, because trust is important and it would mean that he had been lying to me for years.  If it was something he had just discovered, I would be more ok with it, but I would have quite a few questions.

    As for the poster who find the poll results sad, I support people’s ability to express their sexuality as it fits them best.  That includes who someone is with.  If someone only wants to marry someone who is bisexual and pretty equally attracted to both genders, or only someone who falls towards the heterosexual end, I think that’s ok.  It doesn’t necessarily mean that they don’t support LGBTQ rights, but just that when it coms to their partner they want a specific characteristic.

    Post # 73
    Member
    522 posts
    Busy bee

    My SO and I actually discussed this after the first post regarding it.

    As long as his feelings for me haven’t changed then I don’t care. If he really desired to maybe experiment with other guys that’s a bridge we’d have to cross together.

    Being bisexual wouldn’t change who he is as a person nor why I love him.

    Post # 74
    Member
    5657 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: August 2012

    I voted things might change a little but we’d work through it, because I really don’t know without being in the situation. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with bisexuality for men or women. However if my husband sprung on me that he was attracted to men id probably be a bit shocked. It’s not like i would divorce him or think he was gross etc, but I’d have to decide how  I felt about it. As you said it’s not something we think about as being as normal as women being attracted to women. 

    Post # 75
    Member
    2861 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: June 2014

    I’d be upset. At this point after being together so long for him to come home one day and announce it would mean he had been lying to me. I think that is something that needs to come out during dating to give the other partya chance to decide if that is something they can or can’t live with. It feels… wrong ( for lack of better word) to hide that during dating and then disclose after you are engaged/married.

    I wouldn’t leave and it wouldn’t be a deal breaker for me personally, but I have NO judgement on someone that would leave. That is a very important piece of information- as big as a man not wanting kids, having a large amount of debt, only wanting to live in X city etc. You HAVE to put big things on the table otherwise it’s akin to emotional black mail. ” Oh I will wait until we are serious to disclose something that I think my Fiance won’t like so she will be invested and not leave” and that’s not fair. 

    Post # 76
    Member
    1019 posts
    Bumble bee

    Before I started dating DBF, I found out that he is bisexual. Since he’s committed to me, it doesn’t bother me. DBF may have some fantasies that I may never be able to fulfill, but I know that I please him, so it’s not an issue.

    The topic ‘SPINOFF: What if your guy was bi?’ is closed to new replies.

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