(Closed) Spinoff – When/how did you decide to be CBC?

posted 5 years ago in No Kids
Post # 2
Member
1444 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

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rachel85:  oh wow, what a story!

I feel terrible being the first person to reply since I do want kids eventually, and I didn’t have a big definitive moment about it, just was always pretty sure then fell in love with a wonderful man who wants kids as well.

But I’m curious about something: Why are you doing Essure or something instead of your DH getting a vasectomy? That just seems simpler to me, but I really haven’t looked into that kind of thing.

Post # 4
Member
4509 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

I am sorry you have been through that, and am glad you are taking steps towards permanent protection.

I am CBC. Ironically, I had been told since I was 15 that due to my very severe PCOS that I would find it very hard (not impossible) to conceive. My Mum was devastated, crying, moaning… 15 year old me thought ‘so what?’ I had never really liked children very much, and the thought of nappies and school runs have never appealed. 

I was lucky enough in my very early 30’s to meet a man with a compatible life view. We are now in our late 30’s and very comfortable with our decision. We have 4 nephews and a niece (who are awesome) and lead a relaxed, peaceful life.

Like you, I am not at all afraid of who will look after me in later life. Having worked in aged care I know that you can have 10 children and 24 grandchildren and still have no family visit/ care for you. Will my beloved husband and I miss out on some things in life by not having children? YES of course! Will people who have children miss out on some things my husband and I get to do, the answer is the same, a resounding yes. 

You only get one life, you know? You have to live it how it will serve you best. 🙂

Post # 5
Member
613 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2014 - Historic cinema

I always wanted kids in a huge way…when Iw as a child. I found out at age 16 that I had PCOS and was distraught that I may never have them. Then I thought, well if I can’t, I can’t and started to prepare mentally for that and over time became ok with it.

Then at uni to make money I started doing kids fairy parties. Found out then how annoying kids are and how I have so little patience for them! Age 21, no longer have any desire to be a parent! lol

Also once I found myself in a steady relationship moving toward marriage and we had the important talks, we both decided it’s not good for us. He’s much older, we’re financially not well off to be even thinking about bringing a person into the world, and we both enjoy our busy, varied lives, doing all the things we enjoy. I’m also a performer and don’t want to give that up for a child.

Post # 6
Member
816 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2013 - Mansion House at the MD Zoo

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rachel85:  Thank you for sharing. I really appreciate your honesty about being on the fence and revisiting your decision, I think a lot of CBC people feel pressured to be all, well I never wanted kids. I know I do. (Also I really like your wording of ‘opted out of the pregnancy.’ It truly is a choice everyone must make for themselves.)

My story: I always swore I didn’t want kids, never liked babysitting, didn’t like spending time with them. I worked in a church nursery for a while in high school and, while it was better than attending church, it still wasn’t fun and I just looked forward to the days ending.  Fastforward to my 20s, I dated a guy who had kids for a while but was adamant that I didn’t want my own. Always went the route of, well, pre-existing kids are ok for the right person, but not for me. Broke up with him, met my DH, he was very much on the fence about kids.  His ex had–to use your words–opted out of a pregnancy when they first started dating but he was open to it later. I was 90% sure I was CBC for life. We fall in love, get married, blah blah blah, life is great. Life is so great, in fact, that we’re both 100% sure that we don’t want kids, now or ever. We really like our life the way it is now–we can travel, go out, *cough* spend all day on the couch watching Netflix while hungover *cough*. I also could not imagine being pregnant–the idea skeeves me out. I’ve worked pretty hard for this body, and it’s not all that fantastic but it definitely wouldn’t be improved by getting pregnant. 🙂

Every once in a while I have moments of what if, but neither of us wants to actually alter our lives for kids. We hang out with the children of our friends on occasion, and I can honestly say that kids in time-limited doses are about all I ever want. I do like to borrow babies to cuddle, but I also like to cuddle our pets so….. Anyway, we’re positive we’re not having kids. I joke with my friends with 4+ kids (I do know multiple people with a ton of kids… weird) that they have kids to spare so they can just assign one to us for purposes of picking our nursing home and inheriting our shit when we’re old. 🙂

We’ve also talked and are in agreement that we would not be willing to be the guardians for his sisters’ kids (which don’t currently exist but both sisters want kids) if anything happened to them. I suspect that one of his sisters would want us to–their baby sister is kind of flakey and irresponsible (and lazy!) and her partner doesn’t have siblings who would be able/appropriate to take on kids. This may make for some serious awkwardness down the line, and of course we hope that it would be a moot point anyway, but it’s something we’ve discussed and given a lot of thought to. I’m kind of curious whether anyone else has run into this or thought about it. (sorry if this is thread-jacking, and ignore if it is)

Post # 8
Member
5187 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: February 2013

When I was younger I never cared much about having kids. As a teen my neurologist told me it would be a bad idea, due to my medication, but it didn’t upset me because I wan’t thinking long term. No one wants to be a teen mom anyway. Now I’m 30 and married. I don’t quite suffer from baby fever, but if my health permitted we probably would be casually TTC. The age issue gets to me. Even if I was perfectly healthy I’d give up after 35. I’m 100% supportive of couples who are CBC but I wish I had the option to make that choice in the first place.

Post # 9
Member
613 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2014 - Historic cinema

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rachel85:  Yes, I’m glad I found out early because like most little girls, you’re programmed from an early age that you will grow up, get married and have babies. Everyone does it so you will too and you take it for granted. Having my fertility questioned meant I actually took stock of how I actually felt about having children and I was able to decided that actually, I wasn’t missing out at all because really it wasn’t what I wanted afterall, just what I thought I should want.

Aside from the annoying side effects, I love that PCOS gave me a reason to go on the Pill without having to confess to my very Catholic mum that I wasn’t quite the good girl she thought I was, and that with PCOS it’s that much harder to get knocked up so it’s like a bonus layer of birth control!! :p

Post # 11
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3277 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

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rachel85:  

I have heard about many terrible side effects from Essure. Be careful:

https://www.lifesitenews.com/news/essure-sterilization-device-continues-to-maim-women-500-new-complaints-last

My husband graciously volunteered to have a vasectomy because no doctor would give me a tubal ligation. I was told that I was too young and I would want children eventually. Most vasectomy failures come from not testing semen after the procedure at regular intervals; couples often just go by the time guidelines given to flush out motile sperm. My hubby had a high sperm count, so it took many months for the urologist to say that he was infertile. Recanalization is extremely rare. 

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rachel85:  

I have had many experiences which led to my decision.

First of all, I come from a family with four children. My parents’ marriage was mostly traditional which meant that my mother did the lion’s share of childrearing even though she also worked full time. I saw how angry and stressed out my mother was. She deeply resented her children and referred to us as “parasites”. My mother often talked about all the things she could do if she didn’t have children. I think that she took out her anger on her kids with abuse because of how frustrated and overworked she was. My childhood certainly made an impression on me and I know my mother would have been happier if she didn’t have children. When women say that being a mother is wonderful and worth all the stress, I wonder if they are lying because of the example I saw growing up. 

I notice that many working mothers have the same inequalities in their marriages when it comes to raising children; the wives do all the housework and looking after kids while the husbands do dick all. I do not want that kind of marriage. My husband is great with children who are 3 and up. He is absolutely clueless about babies. 

I once saw a graphic birth video when I was 15. I was disgusted by it and I continue to be horrified by pregnancy and childbirth to this day. I do not like the idea of not being able to control what happens to my body; I have no desire to be splayed open and vulnerable in front of doctors. I have a lot of control issues when it comes to my body due to sexual and physical abuse. Lastly, I do not want to gain pregnancy weight or possibly need stitches because of childbirth. The physical realities of becoming a mother sicken me. 

Working as a nanny and a special needs worker clinched the CBC choice for me. I was in charge of a screaming infant who made me cry with her hours of wailing. I also had to look after several children during some summers when my cousins came to visit and I lost one special needs child that I worked with. One of the families I worked for had very rude and disruptive kids. When I would ride the train home after my shifts as a nanny, I would silently as myself if I wanted to listen to screaming infants or deal with defiant kids. The answer was NO. I have no desire to listen to babies cry or the constant din of children. My husband and I relish our freedom and our clean home. After growing up in a loud household, I cherish the orderly quiet. 

My last reason for not having children is the effect of having children on a marriage. I have read that marital satisfaction takes a hit when children are born and couples never regain that marital satisfaction until the kids are gone. All I see are couples who have no time for each other because of their children. I have also noticed that having kids can be detrimental to a couple’s sex life. I love the way my husband and I can go on a date or getaway at a moment’s notice. We can be intimate without worrying about being interrupted or having to stifle our noises. We can be a lot more spontaneous with our love life than couples who have to find babysitters or send the kids to their grandparents. 

I love well behaved children and we are the proud aunt and uncle to four nieces. All of our nieces are sweet and intelligent girls and we love spoiling them. We also love to send them back to their parents.  I am so glad that I found a man who thinks the same way as I do. 

Post # 13
Member
1710 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I always thought I wanted kids (mainly because that’s what ppl do, get married, have kids), but as I got older I realized that having kids is not for me. I worked in daycare and now at a school and it makes you realize not all kids are nice and well behaved! In fact there are a fair few that aren’t. I’m exhausted at the end of the day as it is and can’t imagine coming home to my own children and not having any free time. After a loud day I love coming home to a nice quiet house. I also love sleeping in on weekends and not having to run kids around to sports, etc.

Post # 15
Member
75 posts
Worker bee

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rachel85: this is my worst nightmare – getting pregnant on the pill despite no missed pills! Apparently some healthcare sites say you can be 24 hours late on a pill and still be covered, ie no backup contraction method needed. others are more specific, like if you are late or miss a pill in the first week, you need backup for 7 days after and if you miss or are late in the third week you are supposed to start the next pack immediately with no break.

I’ve only forgoften a pill once (8th pill) and realized 24 hours later so I doubled up and abstained from sex for a week even though according to the instructions, a late pill in week 2 was fine and no precautions needed. I was freaking paranoid the rest of the month cos I had sex with my husband the day before the missed pill and sperm can live for a couple of days (we did not use condoms). I had spotting 5 days after the late pill and was terrified that it was implantation bleeding. Period came nearly 12 hours later than usual (haha I know, cray cray) and I was a wreck. Was never so happy to see blood.

I’m on a 35 dose so I hope this never happens, and after that late pill scare I have learned my lesson. 

I’m childefree because I dislike kids, simple as that. I can’t tolerate the sound of kids screaming and crying and since babies are capable of doing little more than that for the first few years, uh, no. I’d rather get a puppy. Thankfully husband doesnt want want kids too, so it’s great. This woild have been a dealbreaker for me. I’d love to permanently disable my ablility to reproduce, but am wary of Essure as there’s still some controversy about it. Too bad no one will perform a hysterectomy on a childless 31 year old woman!

 

 

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