Post # 1
When it comes to dealing with FIL’s? I ask this because a few nights ago, I was telling hubs about something I read on here, and we both are in agreement that we could have never married someone who didn’t get along and were accepted into the family. We spend a lot of time with our families (we all live within 45 mins of each other, our parents live int he same neighborhood about 15 mins from us) so we couldn’t imagine being with someone who caused tension in the family (for whatever reason). We are very lucky that we all are one big happy family, and get along really, really well together. I mean, we lived with my Father-In-Law for 4 years, and he’s like my second dad. And when my mom talks about her kids, she says she has 2 sons (one being my hubs).
So, my question is, would you be able to marry someone where you don’t get along with the ILs, for whatever reason? If so, why? Is it because there is distance and you won’t see them often? What would be your point where you would walk away from the relationship.
Just curious how others think when it comes to these dynamics, since I know not many would leave a person they love because of their family.
Post # 3
@MrsSl82be: I don’t always get along with my Mother-In-Law, but I have distanced myself from her quite a bit (moved) and it’s gotten better. We’re not going to be going out for a spa day any time soon, but her controlling behavior is not enough to drive Darling Husband and I apart. I’m the mother of her grand-kids and we both know to be pleasant if for that reason alone, even if it’s fake.
If my in-laws for whatever reason treated my child poorly, or treated me badly and my husband was not in my corner (as in, until the situation changed, he is not putting himself into any situations with them where I am not included), I would divorce him. My allegiance is to my family yes, but my child and dignity are not worth putting in jeopardy for a relationship. That is just where I draw the line. My child comes first no matter what. And if my husband made it clear that it’s not really very important to hold either of those things sacred, I’m gone.
Post # 4
@KatyElle: So you have an understanding with her, can be cordial, but your line is drawn if it affects your child negatively? That actually sounds like a really good compromise, especially since you probably don’t see her all that much. And I totally agree, if I had children and they were affected negatively at all by them (whether they were their grandparents or step) I would be out the door so fast!!
Post # 5
Nope, I dont think I would. I don’t know why anyone would want to marry into such animocity. Then again, I have a fantastic relationship with my IL’s and I don’t know what it’s like to be on the other side.
I’m very lucky that my IL’s are great people. We’ve gotten along fabulously since we first started dating and our relationship has only progressed from there. My Mother-In-Law loves the crap out of me and she always tells me how I’m the daughter she never had. My Father-In-Law is a man of few words but I know he loves me and he’s happy that I’m his daughter now. Darling Husband gets along great with my mom, too. It just makes it so much easier when everyone is friendly with each other. There’s nothing worse than hating your IL’s since it almost always affects your relationship with your other half in some way.
Post # 6
It’s no secret that I have issues with Future Mother-In-Law. FI’s parents aren’t together and I get along great with his father and stepmother. I usually just keep my distance when it comes to Future Mother-In-Law. I feel that because she’s not my mother I shouldn’t be the one to address her in certain aspects so I usually bother him until he takes a stance on something.
I cant imagine not being with someone because of any parental feuds. I understand thru marraige one inherits a family but they dont have to always be around.
Post # 7
@MrsSl82be: We got into a very bad argument about 3 years ago. I told her exactly how I felt, she told me she didn’t want things to get ruined for DD’s sake. I accepted it for what it is (“I want a relationship with your Dirty Delete but we’re not going to be best friends”), I decided I could live with it, and shortly after that we moved away. My husband fully supported the decision, and I did not ask him to choose between us, but he chose our family. It has been SO much better with the occasional visits instead of every day. I can totally be cordial, not everyone is meant to get along.
But the MOST important thing is, she adores our daughter and is a wonderful grandparent. She loves her and would do anything for her. If she treated my child and I badly/refused to have us around, and my husband’s attitude was “Oh well, that’s just her way, I guess I’ll just go have Thanksgiving without you guys, bye!” he’d come home from that dinner to an empty house and my attorney’s phone number. If we are not a united front in all matters, we are not meant to be. I have gone to bat for him MANY times for him with my own father, and in the end my father decided that it was better for him to get along and be nice than never see our family.
Post # 8
No way would I be able to marry someone that didn’t get along with my parents/siblings/family. I really enjoy my family and I can’t imagine spending the rest of my life with someone that doesn’t enjoy them or vice versa.
The same token, I’d never marry someone who’s family I didn’t get along with. I can’t imagine spending any of my time, which is valuable, with people i cant stand. That doesn’t mean that the relationships are always rainbows and butterfly’s just like in my own family. However; we all really like each other, love our family and want the best for everyone, and as a family try to help each other along the way.
My mom’s mother didn’t like my dad, well truth be told she didn’t like anyone, including my mother, but my oldest brother. It’s a shame when you have to cut toxic people out of your life and they are you’re own family. I always feel terrible for bee’s that have to do that. I’m thankful that I have a stable, caring family and could rely on them for their opions.
Post # 9
I’m not sure if I’d be able to tolerate a seriously difficult relationship with in-laws.
I think it depends on how close they lived and how my husband dealt with the situation.
I absolutely would NOT tolerate a husband who put his parents or siblings before me and our children. That’s for sure!
Post # 10
@KatyElle: now see, that’s a really good compromise, and it seems to work well. I think the key thing here is: you and your husband are on the same page, and she treats your daughter great
@MASPA: I think parental feuds are different from them actually not getting along with you. If his parents openly hated you (for whatever reason) would you still stay in that relationship? Would it be different if you saw that your Fiance was not really “taking your side” against his parents?
@HisIrishPrincess: my dad chose us over his family many years ago, and never regretted it. THey are just very disturbed, toxic people, and we are better off not knowing them. And my husband’s mother is no longer in the picture, because she is a terrible alcoholic and continues to choose drinking over her family. Its sad, but you have to do what’s best for the family as a whole
Post # 11
I have a similar situation to katyelle’s, except that unfortunately my Mother-In-Law doesn’t care enough to put her animosity aside for the sake of her first born grandchild (our son.) Put it this way, our son doesn’t even know who she is. We didn’t realize how unsupportive she was until we got engaged and started planning the wedding.
We had a lot of drama, they didn’t come to the wedding and in the end, my Darling Husband has chosen myself and our son because his own mother obviously doesn’t support him for her own reasons. It really sucks not to have family support from that side, but we have tried to reach out to her, asked her to see her grandson on numerous occasions, and all she has resorted to is mailing gifts to the house for our son on holidays. (Which I now send back with a note saying that it would mean more to our child to see him in person; she only lives 20 minutes away.)
Bottom line is, it’s not DH’s fault that his mother did not support us or our marriage. She has her own issues with control, not being able to let go of control and not being able to let go of her first born son, and I still don’t think she has come to terms with him being a man and a father. We honestly considered splitting because she was driving a wedge into our relationship so badly, but how would that be fair to us or our son? It’s definitely not the ideal situation, and we’d love to have everyone be one big happy family, or even one big civil family, but she is unable to move forward and accept things so it is what it is.
I have a quote on our living room wall “It’s not about the family you came from, but the family you are going to have.” And there are pictures of myself and my Darling Husband and DS above the quote. This is our family now.
Post # 12
ETA: when I said I have a similar situation to KatyElle’s, I’m going by what she wrote as it sounded similar to things I’ve experienced with my Mother-In-Law.
Post # 13
I don’t think I could marry anyone that their family didn’t get along with me or I with them. I LOVE my family – and I grew up knowing EVERY SINGLE MEMBER. It’s weird to NOT have that for me. My SO doesn’t see his cousins that much and doesn’t know some of his family members but that’s okay – they all don’t even live in the same country! But the ones that he does know, I’ve meet and they LOVE me and I LOVE them – I’m even allowed to call his parents mom and dad and I call his siblings my siblings. If it WASN’T that way, it would feel so weird and I wouldn’t be so excited about trying to figure out when/if he will propose.
Post # 14
I think that if FI’s parents hated me, I could deal with that, but if they hated me AND he wanted to maintain a close relationship with them, as in go over to their house weekly for dinner, and expect us to hang out all the time, then I would probably end the relationship. I wouldn’t mind that they don’t like me but if my Fiance wasn’t on my side and was subjecting me to them, then that’s where I’d draw the line.
Post # 15
See, my problem is the opposite. BF’s family loves me and has been bugging him to propose since they met me! It’s my family that’s the issue. Boyfriend or Best Friend is 13 years older than me and when we first started dating I was 18 and decided that we didn’t want to tell anyone just until I moved out of my parents’ house and became more “adult” in my parents’ eyes.
So a year after this I come home and can’t stand lying to my family as they’re getting increasingly nosy and annoying about where I’m staying, what I’m doing and basically ridiculous requests. So I come out and tell my dad. He didn’t flip out like I thought he would but he’s mad. Still mad and it’s been 8 months since I told him and he gets mad if I bring Boyfriend or Best Friend with me to family events (not outwardly but he bitches behind my back and when he’s at home) and such.
Boyfriend or Best Friend and I knew our situation before we even started dating but we knew there was nothing that would keep us apart. I’m not super close with my family in the first place. I used to be but whenever I’m there all they do is bitch at me or ask me for money.
So are we still going to get married? Yes. We’ve done everything my dad has requested, I’ve refrained from bringing Boyfriend or Best Friend to events and such but he STILL is acting like a child and being stupid about it. At this point there is nothing we can do. If he wants to act like a child that’s his business. Soon he’ll realize that this “issue” is not going to just go away and that he needs to realize he should just be happy for me.
Post # 16
I don’t like my In-laws but am marrying my SO, he is nothing like them, so I am willing to put up with them for him. We don’t hate each other, we just have different opinions about life.